¶ Opening Chat
- How have the Beans accounted for their time recently? Ben's not-so-humble brag of having made delicious mega-ribs.
- 'Mixing + heat = cooking' except in the case of salads? A huge debate still raging in France. 'Is salad cooking or not? Emulsifying is heating by any other name. Making dressing pre-dates the invention of fire.
- Exploration of ranch dressing - made of gunrights, hooves, hot chaps, and a travelling preacherman called Billy Bob Ranch Pete Doc Com - 'Ordained to Kill'. Is ranch salmon-coloured and wobbly? Sweet? Like matt white emulsion? Pepto-Bismol? Can you drop it off the Eiffel Tower and it kill a man?
- Ben's declaration that salad is cooking because you use cooking utensils.
- Ongoing court case of Rennes 69: The People of Rennes vs Guilleme, a 15 ft tall Beef Tomato/ Parakeet. Qu'est-ce que je suis? * French lorry drivers are on the side of the parakeet, meaning holiday ferries can't dock and have to circle around the British Isles.
- Deep philosophical ideas about salad - 'Salad is all about intent'. Creation of a Ghost Salad.
- NB: Ben's ribs were excellent.
¶ Topic Chat
- Jen sends in as a possible topic a dream she had had where she took Mike Wozniak to Disney World and he became angry when she tried to dress him up as an Olde Worlde Ruffian.
- The real ruffians are those in designer clothes, with silk worms still spinning their underpants whilst being worn.
- 'There is nothing softer to an arse than itself' and 'An arse cannot sit on itself'. That was the challenge to Italian tailors (1744): 'A buttock cannot sit on itself.'
- Hieronymus Bosch depicting a vision of Hell where a rich person tries to sit on their own arse - Sisyphean.
- BP says it feels like an idiom BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! Mike: 'That we need each other and each other's arse'.
- Other sayings include 'All of us are in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars ' (Gary Lineker).
- To punch through, an aphorism needs merch. They spin off into TV shows including Antiques Roadshow and EastEnders.
- Continued wrestling with what YCSOYOA means - with Carol taking a starring role. BP: 'I've just realised what the problem is: you CAN sit on your own arse!' Henry and Mike get heated that he has totally missed the point: 'You can't sit ON your own arse, you can sit WITH your arse.'
- Send it out into the world and it will find its way in the world (hopefully not by the far right Bulgarian Iron Guard).
- BP goes to introduce the topic, Mike: 'I thought that was the topic'. BP: 'WHAT?!' No, he had read it out on the way into the Bean Machine. 'How did we get on to arses...?'
- Pompidou: Review of last week's show, 'Rats!' where the format had been abandonned due to a flustered Henry who doesn't think they should talk about it 'when we're in the middle of a fucking shitshow right now.' – you don't talk about Pompeii if you are still on the Titanic. 'We have to cleave hard to the format so we are not just three dickheads talking'.
- Has TBS jumped the shark?! Has that phrase itself jumped the sha (HP can't finish it).
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Eleri emails in from Diamond Harbour, New Zealand. Mike thinks it sounds like a great setting for a soap opera and makes up a theme tune for it: 'Diamonds in their eyes, And diamonds in the sea. Come with us and meet the families, Of Diamond Harbour!'
- Eleri had wanted to know what the Beans' favourite desserts would be and guesses that Henry would have an Orange Creme Brulee (he thinks he would have the classic version), Mike would have Apple Strudel (yes please) and that Ben would have a cheeseboard (yes but mainly a Tiramisu Tower!)
- Eleri recommends Hokey Pokey ice cream and Lemon Puhoi Valley yoghurt. We discover that Henry is a yoghurt sceptic: 'What the hell is yoghurt?' Henry puts out a plea for emails about the Second Great Tiramisu Era so that he can map it. (Gregg Wallace is a super-spreader).
¶ Jingles
- Bean Machine (25.00)
- Pompidou (37.57)
- Email JIngle (44.45)
- Debut of Mike singing Diamond Harbour (51.22)
- Reprise of Diamond Harbour with production by BP (57 mins)
- Patreon (57:20)
¶ Bollockings
- Myriad predicted bollockings from musicians explaining there is such a thing as an F flat BUT NONE OF THEM HAVE PLAYED AN F FLAT ON A BASSOON (OR BIG OBOE) (COR ANGLAIS) so they are null and void. Reflecto-bollock. (Meanwhile, Henry: 'I have absolutely no idea about anything we are talking about.')
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Early Christmas Dolphin Pageant
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Liam, a new listener, sends in a Stadium Synth Pop R & B style version.
¶ Notable Quotes
- Are you thinking a single mega rib?
- The butcher’s dozen.
- He’s ordained to kill!
- By the power vested in me – die!
- What is Pepto-Bismol? What is Sanatogen Tonic Wine?
- Qu’est-ce que je suis?
- Is France a huge beef tomato?
- Liberté, fraternité, tomateiqué, Parakeet-iqué
- He’s huge! He’s red! He’s got a big green head. Guillaume!
- Cos the real ruffians are the people in the designer suits, am I right?
- An arse can’t sit on itself, that was the challenge put down in front of Italian tailors in 1744.
- Well, you can’t sit on your own arse.
- How did we get onto arses, though?
- I just wanna put a line in the sand that says that can’t keep happening. We have to cleave hard to this format.
- This podcast more than anything else is about education.
- Diamonds in their eyes, and diamonds in the sea / Come with us and meet the families / Of Diamond Harbour
- You’re no brother to me! But you are … a mother to me!
- You think this is a tiramisu? Look a bit closer, it’s a tiramisusan – it’s your wife!
- I’m very much a yoghurt sceptic.