¶ Opening Chat
- Who are the TBS listenership? Generally seated? Ambulant breastfeeders? Extreme German Clubbers?
- Bremen clubs never close - LIVE IT! BE IT! FEEL IT!
- Berghain, Berlin: Any proper club is accessed by a rat-infested alley and guarded by an 8-foot bald man. Unpredictable door policy of Berghain in the 1990s - Cool guy with tattoos turned away in favour of portly, boatshoe-wearing American (true cool).
- Henry's Riddles! (First-time riddler) - 'What am I? I'm asleep but travelling at over 120mph'
- Sphinx as a composite of eagle, lion and griffin so what does it eat? Food to suit which end of digestive tract?
- Ben suggests Henry use a Mystical Voice for riddling.
- Riddle's answer: 'Sleeper Train' leaves them all a bit disheartened.
- Henry had been too excited to sleep on the train.
- He had hoped for a Poirot aesthetic: velour and brass, cocktails and bellboys - but in the 70s some tosser got rid of everything and beiged the trains, turning them into a nicotine-stained MI5 corridor.
- Sleeper trains now have a 70s futuristic Dr Who vibe in Sexy Mode / Disco Groove - Choo! Choo!
¶ Topic Chat
- Mike doesn't suit hats. His head is the shape of a pencil sharpener.
- Henry is the most accomplished hat-wearer; used to wear a trilby but has recently experimented with baseball caps.
- Mike describes his own head as being like 'Kryten from Red Dwarf after a 5 year wasting disease' or like an oblique letter A, performed by someone doing the YMCA dance - Henry and Ben imagine Mike in a Pork Pie hat and decide he looks 'an absolute tosser'.
- Henry's problem with his fashion sense: 10 years ago he wore classic menswear but now feels like an actual old codger.
- Ben hasn't bought clothes for 3 years and has none that fit and looks to Henry for a total rebrand: 'A New Ben!'
- Henry suggests going to Bruges C&A.
- Ben feels that Mike never has to think about his clothes whereas Henry says that actually takes the most thought and Mike is styled by a team from New York, Milan, Oslo and Orlando (Canada), YSL, John Chanel, Coco de Mer, Quackalackadoodoo, Jimmy Choo, Dorothy Perkins, John Lewis and Mark Spencer.
- Mike has 'stage wear' of mundane tshirt, free trousers and shoes in the style of Futuristic Minstrel or Leather Pasty whereas, off stage, he wears a white feather boa, cowboy boots, snakeskin jacket, 18 wristwatches (covering all the timezones) and 2 Doberman puppies.
- Ben's previous look = 'Found Clothes' from handouts and bins. He would love 'Austrian Prince', preferably with silk sailor suit: 'Big time Dauphin vibes with Tricorn please'.
- Henry sees the Ben prince as a second son, wet-lipped and giggling - ordered last 6 piano teachers to kill themselves by piano - 97-year-old Portugese princess livid with him - imaginary friend Olaf - bejewelled and weaponised codpiece - shoes maybe a buckled moccasin and the hat would be a stack of tricorns containing a dip in each corner and a top layer of tacos.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Helen asks a favour as she is training for the Loch Ness Marathon and wants encouragement from the Beans - 'Don't wrap yourself in foil/ Don't think about your nipples'
- Mike's brother-in-law had a nipple issue - does he have a glass one now? Snow globes?
- Ranulph Fiennes' advice would be 'Plod on' - and have family money behind you.
- Mike advises Helen not to accept an energy snack you've never seen before as he did and was struck down with diarrhoea mid-marathon.
¶ Jingles
- Live It! Feel It! Be It! (20:30)
- Bean Machine (20:50)
- Emails (43:00)
- Patreon (57:54)
¶ Bollockings
- Quite a lot of bollockings - 'Last week was high-octane bollock fuel'.
- Becky from Bremen bollocks Henry for having said 'Humans are the only animal that stands on 2 feet' - she suggests Henry hasn't seen birds. Reflecto-bollock by Henry who says birds don't have feet, only 'talons on fleshy sticks.' Ben wonders if birds are animals - Mike suggests Ben thinks they are from the Spirit World. Henry talks through Ben's bird-feeding routine.
- Ben made a separate email folder for the massive bollocking for Henry regarding how birds reproduce without genitals. Rebecca writes in: 'Look at duck dicks!' and Josie from Oxford's explanation of duck penises renders Henry speechless. 30 emails on the subject of a cloacal kiss. Peter reminds the Beans that his brother had seen two pigeons having sex outside Windsor Castle. Verdict: 'Watch this Bollock.'
- Emails about folding paper and HP's claim of 8 and MW's claim of 7 both being wrong, the world record being 13, using toilet paper. Is loo roll paper? Reflecto-Bollock.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual Fish Soup Gymkhana
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Conor (of Santana fame) has a French Gypsy Jazz theme: 'To spare Henry further torture I have not used any guitars. I am of course kidding. Get Fucked Henry!'
¶ Notable Quotes
- Extreme German clubbers, which is a big part of our base audience, isn’t it?
- Well in Bremen the clubs never close, do they?
- Live it, be it, feel it, live it, be it, breathe it!
- Any proper club is accessed via a rat-infested alley and then into the bowels of a disused factory.
- You’d think you’d be the coolest person ever, you’d have wraparound shades, spiky hair.
- I’m gonna level with you, this is my first time riddling.
- I think the whole lot of them got done, cos when I woke up in Euston there was no-one else around.
- I think I might have been chalk circled, as well: chalk silhouetted.
- You’ll be able to wheel your telephone around, as simply as you wheel your toaster around.
- Futuristic Sexy Cannibal Train / Choo choo! / Woo woo! / Boop Boop!
- Report to the Pubetron 4000, for your robogrooming!
- New Carlisle, the home of vitamin meat paste! Don’t go in the wrong door in that factory.
- My head is basically the shape of a pencil sharpener.
- Will I ever eat a beef tomato?
- I think we should travel to the Continent, where they still have C&As.
- Can I just float Austrian Prince?
- Late-stage neuro-syphillis.
- He’s ordered his last 6 piano teachers to kill themselves, by piano.
- They’re augurs of destiny, otherwise how could they be airborne, it’s impossible!
- Go look at a duck dick.
- This is known as a cloacal kiss.
- Should have Radcliffe’d it, with hindsight, but it was a built-up area, there weren’t any bushes.
- And if you see the Marathon Goblin, inform the organisers. There is a protocol, they know what to do.