¶ Opening Chat
Ben thinks of Henry every morning, his first waking thought. Henry's duvet set is on Mike's to-do list; it has welted rubber and woodchip filling. Customers are sealed in by a partner/consultant; safe and secure as Hannibal Lecter (had to drop from the infomercials). It was an expensive coup getting Hopkins, but can't insure him for night-time adder attacks, people swallow them in the night.
Once Henry told Ben that he starts the morning with 2, not 10 per anecdotal augmentation, pints of water. Room temperature for ease - cold hard science not odd medical belief. Thames Water is the water of choice, straight from the bilge pump. Water that's been through 10,000 digestive tracts minimum, or through Henry VIII's arsehole. British Empire's claim to rival Genghis Khan's gene fact.
Ben has started drinking 1 pint of water to cue up the 9:30am torrential piss. Henry recommends getting a second pint down to create a piss backlog: imagine a hoover bag with piss (but Ben is a Dyson household so tornado of piss. Henry needs to know which bit of the Dyson Ben is pissing into (the extension for hoovering hard floors). Anti-clockwise piss typhoon (extraordinary during Northern Lights (Aurora Pissialis). You can see your ancestors, business symbiosis with ABBA Voyage. Dehydrating effect being in a woodchip duvet; like being a broken iPhone in a bowl of rice. Bye-bye kidneys, hello iOS 15. Mike questions the bag full of piss science even though it has Hard Maths behind it. Henry starts boy with finger in dam analogy (a spigot image no one wants to see) more in hope than expectation (hoping it would speak to him en route).
Henry's problem with claggy pipes is 98% of the editing job of the podcast. Tragically still has to be done by hand. Question is not whether you're thirsty now, it's whether you'll be thirsty in 2hrs.
Ben's philosophy: if you're pissing, it's a sign you've drunk too much. He uses the full absorption method. Why carry your kidneys around otherwise? Like pasta cooked one by one. Piss should be deep autumnal russet, sepia bathroom because of dark vapour, teased-out piss, emergency only.
Ben says if you defecate, you've eaten too much; like jumping in a lifeboat every day. Not as bad as a national tragedy, but a sign of western excess.
The Science Behind the Banter section (heavy-duty correspondence section).
Walter and Jaz the scientist listeners.
Ben lives on ham sandwiches and travel sweets, sewn into the Bean Machine so different digestive needs.
The Paker Method comes with free Bluebell robe and slipper set. It is rubberised, relaxing, ceiling-mounted with suction pucks and chains hanging, like a one-string hammock, completely pouched in, like a ghastly mutated sleeping bat/swag bag/wasps' nest. Wasp/adder (from duvet) battle using advanced military tactics.
Ben clears throat (should have had second pint).
Henry is the Niagra Man (people propose at the foot of his shins). Will come to you for £7.50 but a bit touristy (lot of hawkers and a Starbucks, counterfeit rubberised duvets made of used cling film).
Ben worries non-UK listeners won't know what an adder is; it's a snake that measures zero on the poison scale and will immobilise a small (wallet) dog for about 5 minutes.
¶ Topic Chat
Ben smoothly reminds the listener of the format before announcing the topic because he worries about the new listener (like walking into a shit pub). Henry tells people they should start at the beginning. We need Iris to test on C2/C3. The podcast developed organically like a hedge/mouldy jam.
Ben thanks Mike/Henry graciously (Henry not so much); podcasting so fresh that Adnan from Serial is now free.
Clarkson voice reminds Henry of rodent tale; Henry recaps and a listener corresponds to say Henry's South African accent was good but Rhodesian army mention (from Mike) was anachronistic. Keith has gone off-continent. Henry went with different company; Alan's second visit was yesterday, always on about 'bloody health and safety', even though he works with poison. Conversational tick while miming walking along a tightrope; eggshells are with the more expensive package, thin ice is the platinum/delux version, Alan has to watch a Health & Safety video (according to the court).
Rats and mice delighted with Alan's work (none of the poison has been taken) but dead fawn (Chalamet) is in the lounge. Good for head-mounting service. Alan used same metaphor/fact about the mouse fitting into a pen that Keith used, saying: "it's as easy as stuffing a mice down a pen" rather than "it's easier for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven than it is for a mouse to get up a biro". Henry concerned about poison everywhere. Alan divides animals into "can get up a pen"/"can't get up a pen".
Discussion on the new Attenborough series: tense bit when baby rhino has to reach its mother who's on the other end of the pen.
Henry concerned about Bluebell being poisoned because certain animals can collapse their ribcages (may be a mouse in any pen right now, they can get up but can't get back down) and these can also eat their own weight in stuff (so can eat enough poison). Bluebell and Henry couldn't eat that much even though he loves a challenge. The Mice are stronger than ever. Pens are the link to the topic (write mail with them).
Ben hasn't written a letter in a decade. He is bad at cards:
Dear Mike,
Happy Birthday
From Ben
His partner will embellish with tides of gladness.
Henry has a "good out" - illustration skills. Henry stayed at Mike's parents' house in 2009 and sent "Thank you" note after staying in Mike's sister's old bedroom (full of spooky old toys, warped and rusted), clown (nailed to) ceiling to get over fear (cold turkey/hot turkey method). Mallet and stakes and clown dead since 80s, clown skull still smiling through burlap sack, shoes pruned off, blood stalactites, clown death final doleful honk. Life monitor plays circus music and popcorn falls out the clown's arse.
Henry's card framed and in hallway of Mike's parents (who don't keep Mike's cards or drawings):
Dear Mr & Mrs Wozniak,
Happy Birthday
Faithfully,
MJ WozniakP.S. Please ensure your will and associated papers are in order
P.P.S. I do need to talk to you about Power of Attorney
Henry stayed at Ben's house and Ben's parents still talk about his ham-eating ability. Henry's ham eating makes every ham seem like a Christmas ham (using cloves). Different parts of a ham: the ham, the other bit of ham, the main ham, ham surface, the underham, the ham core, the ham magma, satellite hams (bits on floor and in hair). Ben's mum made the ham and was flattered by Henry getting off with the ham, like in the corner of a school disco. Henry is a parent whisperer (oleagenous); can spot the weak spot and fill with parent love-bombing. Henry does a read on what the parents' disppointments are in their actual son (e.g. with Mike: paucity of emotional resonance in cards and mail). Ben has no weakness (apart from evil twin Bonjamin) to his parents until seeing his mother around the Trojan Ham.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
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Someone politely said they were sick of the same old jingles so Ben makes new email jingle (spent 3 hours on it but doesn't reckon it's any good. Mike reassures. Henry reckons he should move to Berlin and reinvent/contact Brian Eno, get some Madonna-style muscly arms. Eno would disrupt The Beans' process, Ben hemmed in by lack of ability. Ben suggests the listener does a version of the Bean Machine/Email/tentpole jingles ("get the worms to do it for us").
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Mike doffs cap to Grindletoons' animation; HP understands why it's so good because he really gets it (as an illustrator)
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BP will only accept that there is an F flat if someone plays it on a bassoon or big oboe. Ashley has done a version of theme tune in key of (or is it?) F flat; Ben doesn't accept it because Ashley sent a tune and not just the note. Henry and Mike tell Bonjamin to get back in his bonjabox.
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Christopher Bailey asked his friend to play the bassoon F flat (also the bean theme tune). Bollocking Accepted. Bassoon is halfway between a trumpet, a recorder, and a Nespresso machine (that was the brief when the Baron of Munster demanded it be built).
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Hannah with an arsephorism update: she works in a London museum where benches are printed with arses (the National Maritime Arse Museum in Greenwich?). Regularly asked "Why are these museum seats covered in pictures of bare arses?", now has a ready-made reply. doesn't want to encourage a Pompidou discount but Ben offers a 15% discount anyway.
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Jerome has adapted the aphorism to "You can't not sit on your own arse."
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Samuel will be spending time with the 10 prize-winning poets (Pam Ayres, Benjamin Zepahaniah, Simon Armitage, Jeanette Winterson, Bob Dylan), will try to get the saying into some poetry collection and thereby the OED.
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Warren used software to do audio word count on Sandwiches episode. Split was Ben: 331, Mike: 211, Henry: 4738. The Beans find this hilarious; an order of magnitude more (not comparing like with like). Henry thinks the algorithm can't distinguish between voices, but if Mike and Ben were left to themselves the podcast would just be tide information, companionable silence, tide newsflashes, fun stories delivered succinctly and with a minimum of fuss, then back to tide data.
¶ Jingles
- 05:18 - Digestive Tract Talk
- 06:22 - The Regal Zone
- 20:38 - Pompidou
- 23:18 - Bean Machine
- 24:24 - Kerrigan's Mustard
- 46:13 - New email jingle (could be from your son)
- 56:30 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
See emails for bollocking-adjacent F flat chat.
¶ Notable Quotes
- "It’s lukewarm science"
- "Straight from the bilge pump of one of the Thames’ coffin barges"
- "I’m not the first guy drinking this water. This water has been through ten thousand digestive tracts, minimum"
- "So why am I pissing into a Dyson"
- "My philosophy, before I started the Henry Paker Method, was that if you’re pissing, that’s a sign that you’ve drunk too much"
- "The Science Behind the Banter"
- "If you are from Australia, think about your most poisonous snake. And then times it by ten! / Then divide it by 150"
- "Spreading hot mould on their bread once a week"
- "I think you’re supposed to say something about Ben there"
- "Oh yeah, don’t mention it, errr, Ben"
- "Oh, another story that you’ve had to have listened to a previous podcast to understand?
- "My beautiful fawn! Chalamet!"
- "It’s as easy as stuffing a mouse down a pen"
- "Welcome to: Animals That Can Get Up a Pen, with me David Attenborough"
- "Get the worms to do it for us"
- "There aren’t ten poets, are there?"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Swan Disco
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Ben reads out loads of options this week: Mike picks Flightless Birds (because in-jokes) from James who finished A-Levels, and entered a delusional state. Samples of various flightless birds (cassowaries are nature's bass boosters). James would like 999 goose beaks (this forgotten in-joke proves they've gone up their own beaks/biro).