¶ Opening Chat
- Henry thinks Ben sounds "bad", Mike thinks he sounds "smooooth Partridge".
- Ben gives a Classic FM style introduction for Schubert and claims there is no F flat.
- Whilst Henry tries to fix his internet connection, Mike anticipates future F flat-related bollockings which Ben says he will only accept if played on a bassoon or a big oboe.
- Henry is flustered, his front torso is sweating and will have a band of sweat like a Belted Galloway - either the cow or the MP.
- More calming Classic FM introductions from Ben; Henry attempts it but does not believe it.
- Mike introduces rock and roll drivetime which consists of back-to-back Van Halen and conservatory adverts.
- Henry introduces "Hailing a Van Double Van Man Van Halen Van Challenge" but gets distracted by what breed of cat Andrew Lloyd Webber has. Henry feels he doesn't fit with a radio career. Mike suggests Jazz radio - Henry sacked before the weather.
- No travel news in a jazz world: "throw those car keys down the neck of a goose and stroll, baby".
- Henry's audio problems are not fixed (is it paranoia?), hubris from Henry by upgrading his operating system.
- Henry feels stressed due to a pest control issue (house crabs?), either rats or mice, could be an infestation of Flatley. Probably wearing shoes (so either horse or human).
- Henry's sound issues fixed by pressing one button.
- They discuss how to judge when to come in following the end of a classical piece. Henry demonstrates this in the style of Radio 3. If there is too much dead air on Radio 3, they lanch the nukes.
- They discuss Mike's holiday reading by Bill Clinton and James Patterson. Mike loved it as there is no real threat in the book and the plot is summed up in the last 5 pages. Henry doesn't know who Patterson is ("Pattinson?" "Close Enough").
- They discuss the hypothetical titles of Frank McCheese novels.
- They discuss the contributions Bill Clinton made to the story.
- Henry has been speaking to pest control about options. South African Keith (Ben also called a South African Keith when they had a pest problem and Keith had a spoon to pick up dead mice).
- Henry's Keith was respectful of the pests (he is going to hide as bait in the attic, spikes in the downstairs flat). All three Beans do terrible accents. Henry says that his accents deteriorate after 20 seconds.
- Keith says that a mouse can get through the hole in a Bic pen (mice are liquid).
- A wall is like a rat superhighway (Henry's accent goes Cypriot).
- Bluebell is no good at dealing with mice.
- Keith will bury mice with military honours.
- A second pest control man has suggested blocking the holes with chicken wire. He leaves raisins around the house. They suggest he goes with "big spoon Keith".
¶ Topic Chat
- Mike explains the bean machine got too lukewarm so there is no topic to discuss. The Beans will turn Ben on and off again to fix it for next week.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Thanks to everyone who came to the live show - exciting to meet Jaz the polar scientist. Gifts from Jaz and Purple Strawberry. Beans received a crab bell which Mike is looking after.
- Interrupted by Henry drinking a fly with his coffee. Henry took the fly out of his mouth: "I can see its wing and its body and its complex body". Henry is clearly distressed by this and throws the fly out of the window.
- They discuss that there has been a "duck heavy time". Ducks are in the zeitgeist, as is tiramisu. Ben is back into tiramisu too due to Franco Manca, and eating cheap tiramisus (in his car). Mike admits that all he is thinking about now is tiramisu (Devon is behind the times with trends).
- Vic is living with fiancé in South of England and finding people not being friendly. London and Kent not friendly. If rambling and you dont get a "hello", are you riding your Harley on a bridleway, wearing offensive slogans on a t-shirt or playing loud music through a ghetto blaster.
- MMH asks what was in Henry's bag at the live show. Henry now has mystique - should he keep the mystique like Enya (not Sinead O'Connor) or reveal what was in the bag (maybe the bag contents are very exciting). Henry gives a riddle - he had brought 3 pastries as a treat for Ben and Mike (almond croissant, cinnamon roll, Breton pastry). The Beans ate a bit but not too much, Henry did think he might need them during the live show in case his sugar dipped. Also had a shirt in the bag incase he got cold.
- Bethan - showed her mum a picture of Henry who declared he looks a bit like Jason Statham - "don't assume because of my voice and vibe that I'm not hard". Henry talks about his readiness to fight but gets distracted by seeing a mouse outside the window.
¶ Jingles
- Crab Bell (9.30)
- Bluebell (34.01)
- Bean Machine Malfunction / Pompidou Bean Emergency (40.15)
- Emails (41.33)
- Patreon (57.39)
¶ Bollockings
- Mini-bollocking from Llama to Mike for saying keeping birds "isn't on" - her cockatiel lives a life of luxury.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Centenary of the 1922 Sean Bean Steam Boat Painting Competition
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Llama - Chip Tune style
¶ Notable Quotes
- You’re going to look like a Belted Galloway. That’s a bit of a deep reference for cattle fans out there.
- Schubert died after eating mercury and shitting himself to death. Here’s his Fifth Symphony in F Flat. (There’s no such thing as F Flat).
- Most of our listeners tend to be in ivory towers, as we know.
- Somewhere right now, they’re throwing their bassoon out the window in absolute fury.
- I think Classic FM is in my future.
- Ok it’s Rock and Roll Drive Time, everybody, and we’re looking forward to two and a half hours back-to-back Van Halen and conservatory adverts, let’s go!
- Are you hailin’ another van that’s driving a van that’s listening to Van Halen, call in now!
- That was blind Mervin Dervin, with the Two Tone Rag Boys.
- Just throw those car keys down the neck of a goose, and stroll, baby.
- I knew it was hubris to update my operating system, I shouldn’t have done it.
- Debussy’s penis had almost completely fallen off, when he wrote that, which is what makes it so remarkable.
- Well, he behaved like a widower, didn’t he, Clinton, throughout his marriage.
- Blood Tide Rising Again / The Million Horizon Rising / The Arctic Red Dawn Breakfast Protocol / Hovering Tomato Attack / The Pondering Mystery of Debussy’s Penis
- Mavis Wigglethrope’s Awfully Strange and Funny Murder and Scones Event
- How big is this spoon? Does he live in it?
- A rat can get through the end of a big pen!
- Mice are essentially liquid.
- I’ve just … I’ve just … I’ve drunk a fly!
- I think you’ve got to manage your bins a bit better Henry. / My bin admin is very poor, I’m not gonna lie.
- I’m never gonna forget that. It’s right there! Ughhhh! I can see it’s wing and its body and its complex body.
- In a weird way, I’d much rather I’d have swallowed it, because I never would have known.
- If you’re interested in stuff bubbling up from the zeitgeist, just something to look out for: Tiramisu. It’s back, I can feel it.