¶ Opening Chat
Ben has a top tip for podcasts (courtesy of a woman who writes for the New York times) which is to say the name of the podcast and their names multiple times throughout.
Henry questions this and says "Three Bean Salad featuring Henry Paker, Mike Wozniak and Ben Partridge".
Ben questions the dynamics given the order of names. Henry says its better than "Three Bean Salad starring Henry Paker, featuring Mike Wozniak, and introducing Ben Patridge".
Discussions about if this is insulting to the listener as they know they are listening/going to Nandos. Mike is feeling insulted by being in the middle seat of the line up.
They discuss "introducing" in title credits and that it is a good thing.
Ben mentions Timothee Chalamet. Mike saw him as Henry (Henry reports that was actually him). Henry saw a photo of him in Tesco (he has his own brand of pork pies: "Chalameaty"). Chalamet (Mike has been saying Charlemagne) is the name of a very loyal chestnut horse, who would run himself to death and be retired to a mincer ("STOP THE MINCER").
They discuss Chalamet's mesmerising appearance; Henry captivated by his jaw line. Chalamet might look weird in real life. Henry discusses technical stuff about 3D shapes becoming 2D on film to Ben ("Mike is industry" so doesn't need such explanations) by talking about cameras bringing your ears in line with your nose. Chalamet must therefore have a flat face like a flat fish. Horses must therefore look awful on camera so never seen in profile.
¶ Topic Chat
Ben and Henry's finest sandwiches have previously been discussed. Henry sings a "Three Bean Salad" song (which includes his name a lot) and sponsorship from Chalamet's Pies, inviting people to take the Chalamet test (which is smoother? Chalamet's chin or parmesan spaghetti pie, though it may be the chin of a smooth, smooth local boy). Mike's has not, and we still don't hear about it, as Henry talks about Mike carrying sandwiches with him; there will be a (very crinkled) tin foil wrapped generic 1970s homemade sandwich. Mike sometimes uses a beeswax wrap now (bees are arrogant and it is a conspiracy they make honey). They discuss reusing tin foil and Ben suggests that a beeswax wrap would explode in a car crash.
Henry says Mike's sandwiches will be austere but comforting and wholesome. Cheese or tomato (not both) or a variety of meal pastes and an apple.
Mike explains he was sick of service station mayonnaise based sandwiches and this is why he is "Mr Packed Lunch".
Ben is evangelical about the Boots meal deal - all about getting the best value - Ben says he would never get fruit in a meal deal. If you want to make the money, the metal tin of travel sweets / squits inducing Smints are best value (alongside your Gammon and Salmon sandwich). Ben also includes the scrap value of the tins.
They explain what the Boots meal deal is and Henry finds the weirdest thing about it is getting sushi and an anal douche at the same time.
Ben discusses the Boots sushi-style conveyor belt that includes sushi, gels, body butters, creams, scrapers, topical lamb, and paella shampoo.
Condensation on a packaged sandwich is not good.
Henry ate pizza with a cigarette butt in during a school trip to Italy. Supposedly because they must have hated him ("the little shrill bastard"). They also pissed in his diet coke. Henry also recalls that the tiramisu was not as expected. It goes through several horrible iterations as the chat progresses; tiramipube, tiramipoo, tiratmipoo, tossratmipube dusted with dehydrated crow powder (which Henry was told was parmesan which is a beaked cheese).
One of Henry's first jobs was in a legal arbitration centre. The Beans discuss the suitability of Henry for such a job and his lack of legal knowledge and the fact he has previously eaten a disgusting tiramisu.
Henry's jobs were to organise tables (which he would sometimes get wrong) around crash mats, a trampette and a tennis ball machine (justice balls, which people would have to catch in their mouths and put into the bucket of truth).
Henry and his colleague would bring (not full) jugs of water and Pret A Manger sandwiches on a trolley (they'd have to adlib and "vibe" this). Going to Pret when it was new made Henry feel like cock of the walk, and other phrases with cock in them (whether they originally had the word cock in them or not). They would eat the leftover sandwiches though they lost their lustre as they were free and the Pret A Manger magic had gone.
¶ Emails
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Iris (the Icelandic person who doesn't live in Iceland). Experiment using "you can't sit on your own arse" with colleagues. C1 and C2 didn't reply, but C3 who was awaiting samples asked what she meant by the proverb. Iris ended up lying that it was an old Icelandic proverb. Henry is wary of C2; C3 reminds Mike of Ben. Henry likes their attitude to the samples.
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Eleri from Diamond Harbour, New Zealand. They discuss the old episodes of Diamond Harbour, Susan being played by multiple actresses (she was a live diver harpooning diamonds). Most characters (63%) are in comas and we see the coma dreams. Eleri says thank you for the song and The Beans assume it is now a town anthem. Tiramisu second wave also in New Zealand.
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Bailey and Michael from Oregon. They listen to the podcast during their evening routines, and haven't made love during the podcast but have had to pause the podcast to avoid Henry's "insipid giggle". Henry is somewhat offended to be called an "anti-aphrodisiac" and Henry admits he doesn't have a comeback ("yeah, what could be more romantic than me talking about a tiramisu made of pubes?"). They send regards to Pam, Bluebell and "whatever slab of meat Ben is preparing". PS. Something seductive about Mike's phrasing of "it's time to pay the ferryman" in the Patreon jingle (Henry is not happy with this), but it is Ben not Mike saying the line. They've been getting turned on by the wrong Bean"; "it's all BP who is getting those juices flowing".
¶ Jingles
- 10.24 - Bean Machine
- 17.25 - Crab Bell
- 44.19 - Diamond Harbour
- 52.35 - Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
- "Starring Henry Paker, featuring Mike Wozniak… and guest starring AGAIN, Ben Partridge"
- "And introducing, Timothée Chalamet"
- "Has he brought out his own range of pork pies? Chalomeaty!"
- "Chalamet, my Prince, my sweet, sweet, Prince! Chalamet with my golden sword!"
- "Oh, Chalamet would run across mountain, o’er meadow, and field and ford, to rescue you, wouldn’t he? Or to bring you word, of the King. And would run himself to death"
- "Retire him to the mincer!"
- "I was absolutely mesmerised by his jaw"
- "That’s why I’m Mr Packed Lunch"
- "If you want to make the money: metal tin of travel sweets"
- "There’s something very wholesome and very Mike about it"
- "Are you factoring in the scrap value of the metal tin, into this?"
- "But he is very good at the computer game Abe’s Oddessy, if that helps"
- "Sorry, I’m just imagining you putting the phrase “Organising Tables” in your CV, when applying for another job"
- "Organisational Skills (Tables)"
- "You’re the antithesis of an oyster, Henry, is what they’re saying. You specifically"
- "What could be more romantic than me talking about a tiramasu made of pubes?"
- "You do see [slabs of meat] as your pets, don’t you?"
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
The hotly anticipated Annual Sean Bean Lounge International Plug Adapter and Meat Remoulades Derby.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Trombones, trombones, trombones version by Andrew.