¶ Opening Chat
- Henry did a Christmas gig in a military encampment (possibly for ISIS?). The beans show concern for the army’s lack of appetite for surreal whimsey. Mostly squaddies and some “top brass” but all identified Henry as the enemy. Always make sure you have a clear exit route and a troupe of decoy Henrys.
- At the Hackney Empire Comedy Competition the only way out was to run the gauntlet through the whole audience. No exit from the military gig – unless you could Great Escape it?
- Mike did a gig for the RAF in Anglesey as a student. Arrived to find the trainees listening to the Top Gun soundtrack in their flying onesies. It didn’t occur to Mike's group that the song about the Queen Mum might be improper until one of them set off the fire alarm to end the gig.
- The beans discuss the cultural difference between the Army, Navy and RAF (and space force?). Maybe Cyber warfare? Are nerdy computer people a more suitable audience for the beans?
- Last time Henry was caught doing morning admin and he hasn’t coaxed out his nasal hair (not a nostril hair). Mike has a forehead hair and Ben has a thigh hair. They get very long before they are noticed. Will hair still grow after death? Definitely not after cremation!
- Henry notices the long hair of others which is why Ben always wears the long-trousered wetsuit. Henry looks fab in the hot pants version and the moray eel scarf.
¶ Topic Chat
- Have you ever been in a forest properly? – all say yes.
- If you look off the path, its mad in there. Crones and centaurs. Stay on the path!
- Henry says that you can always see through the forest to the visitor centre or the Tesco. He wants the real wilderness but not to be lost.
- They discus an American TV series about being naked and left in a forest. Lots of insects trying to hide in your arse as if it’s a 4* hotel. Naked and Afraid on Discovery. They are allowed one helpful item. They discuss what they would choose. PJs? A Grisham? Kitchen roll? An inflatable Chair?
- They discuss sharing their items. This ends in Mike writing his own Grisham according to tried and tested formula including the page 237 death, lying on the bonnet of cars to watch planes and eating peaches on the porch.
- In Grisham, everyone is sweaty but looks great. You have to watch the film first so that you can imagine Mathew McConaughey throughout. Pop ups happen throughout the movie to ensure that the audience knows that everyone is still sweaty (especially the overweight comical Mayor constantly plagued by flies).
- In 19th Century novels, physical attributes have a moral equivalence (e.g. the knobbly mean forehead). Its all about the sweat and scholarships.
- What should be Henry's first Grisham? One with a good movie. How are they measured? In units of Grisham or like flour, milk or breads? Could be measured in grams or lengths but not in books. The beans agree that the measuring of flour is the best analogy.
- Mike cuts out the middle Grisham and writes his own book while sitting in his inflatable chair and is in nirvana.
¶ Emails
- 44:30 - Time email section starts
- John emails regarding pest control. Henry gives an update on his rat/mouse problem/opportunity. They have created a rat kingdom and exiled the humans with no risk of execution. John shares his partner’s aunt’s experience of a kitchen rat. She called an exterminator and showed him traps and poison before being asked to remove her dog from the room. After trying to shoot the rat with an air rifle and then fashioning a spear with a knife and a broom, he was unsuccessful. Eaten days later by an elderly shih-tzu. Ben does an impression of Alan Bennett.
- Cut to a telephone conversation between Ben and Mike where Ben apologies for his low-standard impression. Mike reassures him that the podcast is on his last legs anyway. Ben calls Henry with another apology. Henry agrees that Ben “screwed the pooch” and has cast a long shadow. They decide not to cut it out so it can serve as a warning. Then we go back to the original recording and immediately hear Henry do an Alan Bennett impression. We cut again to Ben calling Henry again about his “dogshit” Alan Bennett impression and calls him a bastard. Henry says he has signed his own gibbet warrant and apologise to the listener. Then does another AB impression.
- HP decided that his infestation was squirrels because of quality of sound and seeing squirrels in the shower. It seemed they were holding some kind of squirrel Olympics in the roof and then going back to an athlete’s village to “rut with other buff squirrels”. The Olympics have finished now, and they have all gone. Will the next one be 4 years later in the Middle East?
¶ Jingles
- Bean Machine (23.51)
- Emails (44.30)
- Pompidou (50.11)
- Speeded-up Pomidou jingle (53.39)
- Patreon (58.23)
¶ Sean Bean Lounge Activity
Tropical Glass-Blowing Roulette
¶ Theme Tune
Cooper: banging on various pots and pans from his kitchen
¶ Notable Quotes
- A humour Chinook.
- And, unfortunately, you were unable to call in an air strike … of humour.
- So, when you were putting on the Queen Mother outfit/costume, was anything going through your mind?
- And you can never return to the Island of Anglesey ever again.
- Hats off to any part of my body which keeps growing after my cremation.
- Henry’s got the wetsuit hot pants.
- Come hither, I’m not a crone.
- And the beady eyes of a centaur staring at you throughout.
- The Mushroom Faeries are naked, look at them. They’re proud!
- Because in the same way that you are terrified of the forest and are looking to find a small dark cave to hide in, the insects are in exactly the same situation.
- I’m going to imagine my own Grisham.
- She was Magna Cum Laude at the top law university in North Carolina, Florida.
- The Rinky Donk Attorney
- They get hit on by some right wallies in a bar somewhere, and Charlamagne nuts one of them.
- She’s whip smart! You understand?
- Why, my own mother was flattened by some beech planks out of a Panamanian twin engine.
- Glass of peach juice on the porch?
- Nectarine juice! Why, you wanna get yourself to Kentucky with your nectarine juice, this is peach country, here!
- Have I just effectively signed my own gibbet warrant?