- Hamma hamma hey! Welcome to Chatvatar! Mike vetoes it and 3BS returns – Ben is dressed as a Sexy Monk! Monkish innuendo and mention of Derek Jacobi as Cadfael. Mike and Ben don't know about illuminated manuscripts until Henry, well, illuminates them. Has there ever been a sexy monk in films? Sean Connery in The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco - as a renegade, detective monk taking on the Vatican. A young Christian Slater is his sidekick.
- Did Mike go and see Avatar 2? 'No Sir'. He feels he ought to but best not to ruin his tour shows with Avatar chat.
- Further objectification of Ben - Henry thinks he looks like a department store Santa. He is actually wearing a gigantic, velour, knee-length hoody (Oodie?) which is the go-to garment of 2023. Verdict: 'It's too warm.'
- Mike has spent the last week performing in Soho - he is now part of the fabric of that part of London. A Christine Keeler figure rubbing shoulders with Michael Portillo, some Hungarian arms dealers and the cast of Kinky Boots. And Nigel Havers. And one of the Patricks (Kielty, Marber or Stewart). And lots of pistachios. And the Routledges. And the critics. Ben wants it put out that he dresses like a sexy monk, based on St Michael's Mount.
- The eateries of Soho are gentrified now but did Henry know the area when it was darkly delicious? Yes, it wasn't a place that you went to but that you woke up in. Often on a sofa with Francis Bacon and Patrick Kielty. None of the Beans have been to the original Pizza Express with a Jazz Bar underneath. Or the original Zizzi's which has a hardcore techno club underneath. Mike really pisses off Henry by confusing Pizza Hut and Pizza Express. He sees many restaurants as interchangeable - ASK, McDonalds, Harvester. All near to his local Shell garage. Harvester theme nights have salad buffet, carvery and EastEnders. And a bowling alley.
- Explanation of what Harvesters are. The concept of harvest. Of Albion. Only things that have been recently harvested - which in Feb is just pickled veg and old biscuits. A Meagre Times family buffet. No tiramisu though. Maybe that wave has passed? White Bean puree wave has superseded avocados now. We are now Post-Avocado. HP predicts that Cappuccinos are back in now, along with cow's milk (rather than breast milk.)
- HP doubts his West Country accent. He has accent-lag after 12 seconds which Mike thinks is a helpful warning light.
- Henry likes various milks - Ben is a Soy Boy - Mike likes Oat. BP says oat milk is the most environmentally friendly as they don’t have to be flown in to the UK. Grown in Hertfordshire, flown to California and back to UK just to dry them out.
- Harvey sent this one, though it's really Harley, as apologised to on the next episode.
- Henry’s Scottish accent is good because he lived there, Ben’s is from children’s tv and Mike’s from Braveheart. Ben watched it last year and loved it. Suggestion that Mel Gibson fathered a long line of English kings. With Helen Hunt as his Queen. Ben watched Castaway and The Terminal when he was ill last week (Hanks movie marathon). Is the Catherine Zeta Jones character based on HP? Henry saw Mehran Nasseri at Charles de Gaulle airport. Would Nigel Havers play Henry in a film? Appreciation for Helen Hunt. Henry liked the Wilson bit. Still no Wilson sequels! (All 8)
- Have the beans seen the Loch Ness Monster? Ben and Mike have not been to the Loch. Henry finds it evocative that Loch Ness is so deep that it is bottomless and goes on forever. (Absolute tripe).
- Ben has been to Europe’s deepest lake - Lake Ohrid in Macedonia - Intercepto Bollock! Ben explains it is not that deep but is old. And cold.
- They have a real Nessie in the form of a prehistoric trout. (43:10 BP laments, ‘Are any of my memories real?!’)
- Henry thinks Ben is just pitching film ideas to Jason Statham
- The trout is a natural wonder and should be protected but every cafe there serves them.
- Ben used to believe the LN monster did exist. ‘It’s not impossible.’ Henry undermines it by saying that rather than getting a species you only get one, giant animal - The Massive Parrot and the Wyoming Megafrog.
- Ben wonders what if there was a breeding pair of monsters, The Family Ness - (a classic cartoon with a great song.) All Loch Ness sightings have been absolute bollocks. Ben doesn’t think it exists. Mike thinks that if it does it is in Area 51 under lock and key. What, no Scottish accents?! The urge rises in Henry…. ‘Oh Nessie, you’ll have a wee dram?!’
- No nice emails this week, only bollockings.
- London (16.30)
- Provincial Dad (19.10)
- Bean Machine Clown Core theme by Charlie Nevett (despite not being happy about the mix) ‘A pretty radical remix’ (31.03)
- Emails (50:45)
- Listener Bollocking of the week (51:35)
- Patreon (1:00.26)
- Listener Bollocking of the Week from Jeff to Henry about Avatar! Henry goes to get his box of mini shredded wheats - to show the beans the offer on the back of the pack to win an Avatar ‘prize’ of a QR code to grow a Pandora’s garden plant! Henry mentions David Cameron instead of James. Imagines the QR code really just shows James Cameron pleading kids to give him money! Jeff explains that the captain of the whaling ship did have a reason to kill the whalians. (Ben also spotted this but ‘kept his bollock.’) Henry accepts the Bollock BUT he thinks that when a character wants to live forever it doesn’t count. ‘We should put down our bollocks and walk away from them.’ Reflecto Bollock.
- Massive thunder storm where Ben is in Cardiff. Mike sees the lightning over Zoom.
- Sean Bean lounge this week is Woodwork Night in Soho with beautiful guitar music underneath the honourable mentions
- Dom sent in a theme tune of generic grungy rock style
- I wouldn’t mind him getting his hands round more than those rosary beads, that sexy monk, do you know what I mean?
- I wouldn’t mind a walk round his cloisters.
- I tell you what, good luck keeping me silent with him tonight.
- I tell you what, he can draw a complex vine system around my capital J anytime he wants.
- I like to call him Friar Fuck.
- Is that a potential Wozniak vehicle?
- The Vatican are busting my ass!
- I’m trying to drink a cup of mead, here!
- We haven’t finished objectifying Ben, have we, yet?
- An off-duty department store Santa.
- Henry, as a Londoner, someone who grew up in London, do you remember a time when Soho was truly darkly delicious?
- Mike, have you ever been … how fuck … I’m sorry … how parochial are you mate? Have you never been to a Pizza Express? There’s no salad bar in Pizza Express!
- Have you ever not been to a Harvester.
- It’s the concept of Albion!
- I’m sorry, sir and madam, but this year we are lying fallow. It is for the long term good of the harvest.
- It has been a meagre harvest, sir, we are sorry, but at the same time it is your fault.
- Cow or wet nurse?
- Wilson 7: The Rebootening
- Intercepto-bollock!
- Pre-emptive self-bollock!