¶ Opening Chat
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The beans pay a heartfelt tribute to the tragic passing of their friend and fellow comedian, Gareth Richards (see http://www.garethrichards.net/ to check out his work).
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Mike is puzzled by software popups so Henry asks Ben to do the Annual Internal Tech Oscars/Helpdesk.
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Mike has two creamy new leads so he's coming through loud and creamy.
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Henry wins the Tech Dunce hat for the 3rd year running – the hat is soldered on.
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Ben wonders about the dunce hat: was it a thing? – needed to identify the runt who eats the food from the third tier of the dinner pyramid.
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First Tier: Father/Patriarch along with assistants (undisgraced uncles, mistress, Irish wolfhound, baker's dozen of bastards).
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Second Tier: golden child (good at violin, decent Duke of Edinburgh, dab hand with hockey stick, access to gong for dinner plate/hat/frisbee/Shetland pony watering/wheeling around to show off to other children as it plays Jack O' Lanterns with them).
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Secondary Second Tier: artsy daughter (beautiful singing voice, can't be persuaded to do law degree (chagrin of parents), menacing boyfriend on motorbike, entrepreneurial, has GoFundMe'd his own 'zine – secreted in your copy of Auto Trader, started Reddit page – Kawasaki Dreams with Japanese cartoon porn vibes – Henry toots his manga horn – strong pagination like the Argos catalogue – woman wrapped in tentacles: is it the artsy daughter?).
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Third Tier/Dunce Tier/The Trough: subsist on onion skins.
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First bil (billion – abbreviated per Succession) idea from Ben: horror movie premise – regular guy Henry Paker (Henry: how fast does he speak?) but played by Chalamet (too good looking?) – works in a cubicle – drab life with tones of biscuit: custard cream shirt/bourbon tie/Ritz crackers if tie-in can be made with Ritz (Chalamet won't write to them cos all his money goes into genetic search for horse link).
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Next morning: Mike as evil goblin at end of bed (goblin laugh attempts mean that the laugh needs doing in ADR) shows main character has explosive strapped to his chest.
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The goblin outlines the film's premise: 1hr to find a slow worm. This is defined for Henry as a legless lizard (not a snake like Mike thinks (bollocking avoided)).
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Henry Googles slow worms but that wouldn't wash in the film – need IRL slow worm.
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Henry's approach: reason with the conservation terrorist goblin – Reasoning With The Goblin prog rock album title (Henry sings the title track) or go to Chris Packham via Henry's celeb contacts (who are Ben and Mike).
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Packham described for the non-UK listener: champion of the squirrel, hedgehog hero, peregrine prefect, vole and weasel ambassador, he will leap in front of any shotgun.
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Are there any American naturalists? – slick voiceover of buffalo instead or Grizzly Ice Truck Slalom Roadrunner or Racoon to the Moon Challenge 5.
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In the UK it's a small camera in a box looking at blue tits – suggestive names: tit warbler, fat dick, cock warbler, vicar's chuff, (bleeeeep).
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Australian naturalists' danger of death is equivalent to a woodwork teacher with lost fingers.
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You can find Packham in the New Forest – Henry already has the dynamite stuck to his chest (not frankfurters).
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Henry accuses Ben's film idea of being paper-thin.
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Henry can track down Bill Oddie (to the nearest tree) – his plaintive song or mating song – watch out for his barbed penis! Oddie is a mix of Packham and Michael Palin (US equivalent: Eddie Murphy birdwatching).
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Film archetypes: (1) The Call (20 mins in) / inciting incident is the goblin on the bed ("Riddle or nuts, Henry Paker!") – fetch me a jumbo bag of the cashews you get on an aeroplane.
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There's an odd couple vibe with painful mating and blood-curdling screams – a litter of 40 Oddie fetuses in Henry's belly – Oddie shows the way to Packham (A35) – the Oddie fetuses join in with the "Reason with the Goblin" song as a Greek chorus.
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Is Packham a facade like in the Wizard of Oz? – Henry pictures Packham as a conglomeration of woodland creatures and Mike explains the creatures have been secretly assassinating slow worms to create environmental anxiety – a false flag operation.
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Henry starts birthing the Oddies (Oddies Ex Machina) and has done a switcheroo on the plastic explosive, strapping it to Bill Oddie or a TB-addled beaver – threads falling apart at the end as is often the way.
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Mike is the goblin but Henry needs to talk rights before signing on: refuse salary but take percentage of toys as Ben did on R4's "The News Quiz" (Sandi Toksvig dolls) – call for script doctors to help with the 3rd act.
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry's dad doesn't take anaesthetic, neither does Ben (for anything, and his dad for fillings) but Henry goes full general and he explains that pain is the body's internet.
- David Foster Wallace article about lobster pain – they don't associate pain with distress – light on dashboard system – Henry's dad has a lobster mindset.
- Lobster fact I: they're immortal (unless decapitated by a sword) – lobsters don't get ill – there is no lobster old age – like an old folk tale where you meet an ancient old lady who gives you a crab's foot to live forever, wake up in morning: you're a lobster, you're disgusting, you can't reach the cash machine (being a lobster is an illness) – your GP would send you packing and tell you to delete the NHS app from your phone cos you'll live forever.
- Lobster fact II: lobster doesn't actually taste nice, it's a luxury food because of scarcity (they don't keep well) so considered posh for internal Americans.
- Ben told to picture a grotty old ox kidney at the top of a high staircase with Gladiators on it, holding foam sticks, slick with oil, and with various gun turrets – now Ben wants the lobster (just try and stop him).
- Ben ate lobster at a wedding in Boston, fun experience, all the accoutrements (Financial Times, warrant for arrest for financial crimes) – small bowl with water and lemon puts downer on Ben's day if someone jokes about it being 'cold lemon soup' so Henry of course makes the joke.
- Lobster as shorthand for massive wealth whereas it's actually a big sea woodlouse.
- Mike has had lobster a couple of times (course he has) and liked the taste (or tricked himself into thinking he did).
- Lobsters and crabs surely would not get on because they have so much in common, like being introduced to Rob who also eats magpies (just like Ben!) – crab annoyed that he has more meat and lobster doesn't have a carapace.
- Ben's hot take: natural teeth (not bad teeth) are, in a world of straight Hollywood teeth, quite sexy.
- There are different levels of bad teeth: one that a priest could hide in, one that goes through the cheek, one protruding for keeping receipts on or toasting marshmallows.
- Old film stars (e.g. Nigel Havers) have more sexy teeth cos they're not perfect squares in a row.
- European teeth have space to slide a Mars bar between them (nice party trick) but how far to push 'natural'? BP's level: 70s TV star (David Jason).
- If Henry went to LA and set up a bunch of meetings with a series of dentists, waiters, admin officials of a forklift truck training facility, the reason they would be lunch meetings is so the execs can see Henry's teeth – one exec is booking him into a horse dentist while asking him to bite into some putty and eating a raw carrot.
- Henry's front tooth is trying to get on top of the next one, which rules him out of leading-man, The Rock-style roles but can get him syphilitic Medieval peasant roles.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Jingles
- Reason with the Goblin (26:58)
- Bean Machine (31:03)
- Kerrigan's Mustard (31:44)
- Emails 'Alan Sugar' remix from Mike (different Mike) (beans define Alan Sugar as 'our Donald Trump' – HP reminds the listener to look around them at the brand names: Amstrad) (47:35) – beans are amazed at the amount of sifting Mike has had to do
- Bollock Back (51:00)
- Listener Rebuttal/Counter-Claim of the Week (53:00)
- Patreon (59:17)
¶ Emails
- Douglas, a mariner, is scared of modern pirates and will play the episode to any pirate who stumbles aboard – he calls Henry's list of Big 5 UK animals 'bullshit'. Douglas's list is based on his time skippering a marine tourism boat: sea eagle, red deer, orca, grey seal, Dutch tourist. Henry questions the red deer being fully amphibious – Ben assumes the wildlife sea-borne safari off the Isle of Sky will make the Pompidou discount available to listeners. Henry commits to a joke about glass bottoms (boats/figurines of ladies) that proves he is a podcaster in crisis. Henry wonders what Douglas's question was – there wasn't one, but Douglas is now buoyed up to face the pirates.
¶ Bollockings
- Richard from Bremen is about to bollock the beans for asking a question about walking the plank but the beans remind him they merely asked the question. There's an important legal reason for walking the plank similar to the 'why are you hitting yourself' defense. Ben doesn't want to live in a world where asking a question gets a bollocking – the beans are bollocking Richard but also thanking him for the interesting info and contribution to the content – reminds Henry of the story of smugglers killing someone by all attaching strings to the musket trigger – all of them got hanged and jibbeted.
- Carl from Barry (the painter and friend of the beans) raises Henry's bollock hackles – Henry previously meekly accepted his bollock about Leonardo Da Vinci – he offers a 'respectful, multi- but could be wrong rebuttal/counter-claim' – a bollock by any other name... Carl grew up in Tavistock, West Devon, where his school was near a Francis Drake statue and they knew 3 things about him: (1) circumnavigating the globe on the Golden Hind; (2) defeating the Spanish Armada after cooly finishing a game of bowls; and (3) looking terrific in tights. Drake did not bring back the potato (that was Sir Walter Raleigh) but instead brought back the coconut as a gift for Queen Elizabeth. Ben was the one who mentioned the potato thing but this rebuttal/counter-claim was sent in Henry's direction. Henry is interested in the fact Drake brought a coconut which he considers rubbish because desserts/chocolate snacks featuring coconut divide people – this is the beginnings of Brexit. Queen Elizabeth I's Thai green curries just weren't working before he brought the coconut over: Bollocking Accepted.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Flaming Marine Safari (26 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Mary Ellen from a small island off the west coast of Canada loved the French email theme and was feeling competitive so made a Brazilian version of the theme despite not knowing Portuguese.
¶ Notable Quotes
- I should be coming through loud and creamy.
- The herd needs to identify its runt.
- Chagrin!!
- You’re trying to tarnish him as a wastrel, but he’s actually quite entrepreneurial, in fact he’s managed to Go Fund Me his own ‘zine.
- You love Kawasaki Dreams, it’s a great zine!
- I’ve had another idea for how we could collectively make our first bill.
- Reason, reason with the goblin / I try to reason with the goblin in the night.
- It’s either that or it’s Grizzly Ice Truck Slalom Roadrunner!
- Hello and welcome, we’ve hid a small camera inside a box and we can see some baby blue tits. Enjoy yourself.
- Riddle or nuts! Riddle or nuts, Henry Paker!
- The Oddies Ex Machina
- It’s not just that we’ve got two listeners, Neil and Phillip Kerrigan?
- Problem in right pincer! Problem in right pincer!
- I’d much rather being chatting to some scallops.
- My bollock hackles are raised instantly.