¶ Opening Chat
- Mike has been in Ireland, did he drink "the black stuff" (spiced tar / Guinness)? He had an offer of such but had some social cowardice when a barman invited him to drink some "creamy, creamy Guinness". Instead he hid and had a cup of tea. "Saying creamy twice like that to a guest, it's not right".
- Mike had a lovely time in County Wicklow and enjoyed the gig, though it wasn't "creamy, creamy".
- Henry talks about coffee shops in London – he wants cow milk in his daily zeitgeist cappuccino. Mike says it needs to be called a "frothy coffee down these parts".
- Discussion about having this conversation before, like a Beckett play - often the same but different, bleak and "similarly indeterminable". You could have been watching "Rambo 5: Waiting for Rambo", written by Beckett as his boiler had broken. The stage is littered in bullets, one of Rambo's feet (usually left) sticking out. It's Stallone's left foot, he gets a lot of admin done whilst staying in the pile of bullets. Ben says the milk feels like a warm pair of slippers going on, one of the slippers is fungal and the one they put on Stallone overnight during his run at the National.
- Mike tells of working in pubs as a teenager. He worked in a little village pub and also at The Forte Post House Hotel (Trust House Forte) on a roundabout.
- The chefs were incredibly hairy and one of the tasks was to remove the hair from the plates ("essentially, shave the omelettes"). Considered dying the hair green and calling it chives.
- Food was cold / hairy / gross, customers would be very disappointed and give "hearty bollockings". This experience has helped Mike with gigging – Mike's audience are usually covered in hair.
- Henry at 18 was in a wine bar, drinking cinzano and lemonade and listening to smooth jazz.
- If Mike's village got hold of a little ice cream tub with the spoon in the lid, it would blow their minds. They usually use cow pats as lids, and to get a spoon in there you'd have to feed it to the cow.
- Village life involves everyone interchangeable jobs - Susan milking the beer pig, butcher's dog running the post office, Clive has shingles so can only be the speed bump at the entrance of the village. "Coz that's what we do, we muddle on through".
- Big cities do not have the "muddling through agenda". If Henry was asked to mash up pig and haddock loins in a butchers to make a surf and turf stew for the village fête, and then help Isabella with the threshing, it's not going to happen.
- Back to the roundabout hotel - the bloke who played Lou Carpenter in Neighbours during his "peak Lou powers" (Tom Oliver) would frequent the bar. Henry calls him "old crag face" ("is that harsh?").
- Ben suggests Lou was leaving his keycard with various ladies ("room 63 love"), Henry suggests Lou's technique was going to the Poste House, having "the black stuff", "hairy lasagne", "hirsute carbonara", "pubic trifle" to prepare them for seeing his incredibly hairy body.
- Chance he is hairless - worked on the Pacific nuclear testing base on Christmas Island, now radioactive and completely hairless and he is attracting the hair from the hairy chefs.
- Was the actor who played Lou Carpenter Australian? No. Was he acting? Were his memories erased as a consequence of working on Christmas Island, and are factory settings an Australian man?
- Ben describes Lou Carpenter to international listeners as like JR Ewing (PJ Stetson, Billy Bob Alamo).
¶ Topic Chat
- Mike's favourite ice cream is mint choc chip, which is "so 80's".
- Pavlovian response to the ice cream van (evil clown van).
- Mike used to visit his grandmother in Kenfig Hill and go to Porthcawl and have a banana sundae at Fulgoni's, instead of a flake it's a pack of cigarettes, on a bed of cockles, seagull might chase the cockles and then that is your protein. You might find a seagull beak in a toilet bowl.
- Henry likes going to his local garage and buying a Magnum from the "specific Magnum fridge".
- Ben is the voluntary brand ambassador/non-profit influencer for Magnum.
- Praise for Magnum's marketing team, choc ice on a "slightly wider than expected" stick with premium labelling, wrappers feel expensive, names like "double gold caramel billionaire" and oligarch vibes.
- Ben talks of not being able to get Magnum ice cream as a kid, but as an adult could buy as many as he wanted.
- Buying a Magnum is buying a lifestyle, try to experience the "clunk" and experience you get in the advert (like getting your arm severed by a BMW door).
- You have to wait for the Magnum (edible Ferrari) to get a little bit warm in the sun, and also turn some heads ("think you're special just because I'm eating a Zoom?"), but some lands on your trousers and shoes. Ben avoids this with experience, Mike eats it over a silver wine bucket.
- Ice cream shops thrive on the High Street (all with similar names).
- Ice cream is used as a structure to the day, or as an (empty) threat to withdraw ice cream privileges. Ice cream is "the cold tasty glue that holds families together".
- Henry has an idea that will make his first "double billion" - plan to reduce queuing. Ben and Mike have already had this idea too - Ben's idea of an ice cream parlour of cured meats - "Frozen Meat Dreams". Waffle cone or fistfull of mince? Frozen minces (slaughtered when frozen). Free lamb's eyeball on top.
- Henry's idea is that everything is "Ready Scooped" as too many options (like Pret a Manger did with sandwiches, put onions in). Ben disagrees ("horrifying") as part of the appeal is the scooping. Henry just wants touch screen locked cubicles (touch screen is too intimate as you are touching it).
- Henry likes to enjoy ice cream "passagiata" (is that ice cream and passata?). Henry explains that it is when you eat a meal in a crumbling, crime ridden Italian Town and then enjoy an ice cream strolling around. Ben's version is sitting on the sofa watching The Apprentice ("Apprenticeggiata"), the Magnum stick adheres to his t-shirt, which he is reminded of when he gets up to brush his teeth. Stanley Tucci does similar most weeknights.
- Ice cream - "what a substance".
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Jazz the Polar Scientist. Henry remembers Mike's way of remembering which is Arctic and which is Antarctic. Jazz says Arctic comes from the Greek "Arctos" meaning bear, Ursa Major points North (looks like a decent pan, or is that The Plough?). Antartic "anti-bear". Orion used to keep a saucepan dangling off his belt. Orion might have to put another hole in the belt as the Universe expands. "There's no Timpsons in space". Henry can no longer remember which is the North Pole and which is the South.
- Stuart - 9 second video clip of a near-miss in his car, when Henry is saying "catch the bouquet of turds". You don't want this to be the last words you hear, the only worse thing is being cut out of a wreckage by a fireman and the stereo is stuck on "bouquet of turds" on repeat. That will be read out at the inquest, begging the fireman to finish you off.
- Anna-Marie from Cardiff - Ben knows her. Has a New Year's resolution to listen to the podcast. Just listened to Lizards, where the Beans spoke about the Emily Maitlis film "The Maitlis Chronicles", which is now being made. Gillian Anderson is playing Maitlis. Who will play Prince Andrew? Poisoned chalice or Golden Globes? Michael Sheen? Mike Wozniak? Can't remove his moustache for insurance purposes, stick a green snood on it, dye his sweat green. Maitlis turns down Pizza Express dough balls before the interview "looks like your dough's cooked, Andrew". Rumour that Mike has never been to a Pizza Express (not true), advertising Maddie imagining an advertising campaign where Mike tries a Pizza Express for the first time. Would be a tear-jerking viral video like ones of a post-operative baby hearing their first sounds.
¶ Jingles
- Bean Machine (19.54)
- Emails (39.10)
- Patreon (49.47)
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual Indoor Entirely Shaved Celebrity Race (Denzel Washington wouldn't be shaved, Keith Richards couldn't be shaved and Dolly Parton shouldn't be shaved).
¶ Listener Theme Tune
-
Chris Marsh - Bladerunner / Vangelis inspired creation. Some hard "g" word play from Ben and Mike which confuses Henry. Bonjamin and Honjamin (Hongamin?) play chess by letter.
-
Plug for Machynlleth Comedy Festival live show at midday ("comedy time") in a deconsecrated church as safe from Sperbs, there may be a live reconsecration and the release of an osprey. Wolves have been released now in preparation. Who will win - the wolves, the osprey or the third mystery horned (but shouldn't be) beast?
¶ Notable Quotes
- Well, perhaps after your gig you can come and enjoy a pint of creamy creamy Guinness?
- Never say creamy twice.
- Frothy coffee you’ve got to say down these parts. Otherwise, they don’t know what you’re talking about.
- The one that was written by Beckett. People forget that one – Rambo 5: Waiting for Rambo.
- The spoon is within the lid! It’s both a lid and spoon!
- A diving seagull, when it’s in dive formation is very easily swallowed, actually, even by an eight-year-old boy.
- Think you’re different from me, you think you’re special just because I’m eating a Zoom?
- Frozen Meat Dreams
- And do you want that in a waffle cone, or in a fistfull of mince?
- I’m just going to go with, one ball of chocolate, raspberry ripple, and then some venison heart, please.
- Ready Scooped
- Your claims are baseless, Andrew. Romana-base-less.
- I’m seeing the whole world through oregano-nose glasses.