¶ Opening Chat
- Henry is having technical issues, calling the technical bods (Ben) "twats".
- They do the number off and both Ben and Mike say 4, and it's a cursed episode.
- Mike at the Oscars chat, he was disappointed, but always the chance of a lifetime achievement award.
- Mike has his portable red carpet, dressed by Marks and Spencer (but nobody seemed interested in that).
- Mike can film himself interviewing himself on the red carpet, he can play a number of deceased reporters.
- Most media interactions (monetisation of IP, got to keep it flowing so the salmon of renumeration can swim up it and spawn) are just backdrops.
- Aston Villa are sponsoring Chelsea.
- Mike puts up the sponsors he's hoping for and they can pay / sue him if they want.
- Last night the backdrop was "McKinneries Artisanal Shrapnel", hoping someone will misread the invoice Mike sends and pay him as an admin error - subscription / ransom model.
- Podcast editing might be a springboard into hacking the CIA.
- Henry has been watching David Attenborough documentary about the British Isles; Henry's love for jingoism and squirrels brought together.
- Henry has been noticing more nature outside. Brain drain of the best animals to London.
- Noticing squirrels more is a sign of getting older. Imagine an aviary of squirrels. Ben has put out bird feeders (entered the squirrel phase of life), attracting tonnes of magpies which he now resents.
- Is plentitude a word?
- The squirrels outside Henry's window are putting on an incredible West End show (zero ambition in Exeter squirrels). Could they do Starlight Express or Phantom?
- Henry went on safari (he won't hide his light under a bushel but is trying to wean himself off safari anecdotes and on to rhubarb crumble vapes).
- Henry having an elephant shower. Do elephants have hooves?
- The joy and awe of seeing a giraffe on the first trip (sofa covers), Henry wrote the poem "Telescopic Llama".
- Big five in the UK: squirrel, badger, robin, hedgehog, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
- African big five: lion, rhino, leopard, buffalo (are you sure?), elephant.
- On day 2 you no longer care about giraffes (fucked up cow).
- Ben wants a peacock, emu and cassowary in his garden.
¶ Topic Chat
- Why do pirates walk the plank rather than just shove them off the side? Pirates make everything a bit naughtier.
- Mike explains keelhauling ("human ham scoring").
- Mike explains privateers.
- Sir Francis Drake discovered Potato Island and brought the potato back to England (he landed on a giant sea potato).
- Henry describes the terrifying moment opening a cupboard in his childhood home and seeing potatoes with "alien growths" and "grotesque cave flowers".
- Maybe if you've been frightened by a potato you shouldn't be a pirate?
- Discussion on how you become a pirate (you got bopped on the head by an early careers advisor). Wealthy parents would make their children's heads shinier so they are more boppable.
- Skull and crossbones flag is too on the nose, nowadays more likely to be seen on a 6-year-old child.
- Triumphant rebranding of pirates (murderers, poor hygiene, no pension plan, dyed in the wool arseholes) to fancy dress. Dinosaurs (lizard men) also rebranded in a similar way. T-Rex preceded the ape.
- Henry has worn an eye patch on a party on a barge this weekend. Sounds like a "delicious London sex party".
- Henry sent a picture of going to the theatre to see Medea (he never actually saw it).
- Henry has bought a triple-welted chicken leather jerkin from Amazon.
- Does Henry actually live in Nottingham and just watches Only Fools and Horses?
- Henry says the last thing he read was a M&M, Ben makes a Bond (M) joke Henry doesn't understand.
- Henry says half of an m is an n, the others disagree. Henry spells the letters, i.e. m is "emm" and the Beans talk about this for an unfathomably long time.
- Back to the barge party in Little Venice (better than actual Venice) which had a "light maritime theme".
- Ben was once in the pub talking to someone in "marine insurance", halfway through they had to leave as a ship had been taken by Somalian pirates.
- Henry talks about his experiences on dates and how this was a similar technique for girls to make excuses and leave.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Jingles
- Flightless Bird Zone (22.32)
- Bean Machine (23.08)
- The Glamorous London Life of Henry Paker (37.18)
- Emails (47.54)
- Listener Bollocking of the Week (49.02)
- Bollock Back (51.35)
- Patreon (skate-punk version) (1.01.35)
¶ Emails
- Choice - geometry and triangles or absolute nonsense and shite? Most listeners are PhD listeners who will write long emails with italics.
- Dr Harry Reynolds has emailed saying his PhD has been rescinded.
- Lesley in Alaska, who has a son with the Onion birthmark. "Cormack the Onion Child" is 18 months old, training daily, listens to the podcast weekly, first words were "oh crumbs".
- Three Bean Parenting segment suggested, including Tide Times to help with teething and Henry being reduced to tears trying to explain how to use a breast pump
¶ Bollockings
- Megan in Australia - bollockings for the Australian Stars of Stage and Screen Toblerone night. Russell Crowe is not Australian (but is an Australian citizen). Sometimes a bollock is so large you don't see it until the pubic hairs are tickling your chin / poking through your eyeballs. Mike reflecto-bollocks this bit. Ben checks, Crowe has been denied Australian citizenship twice, but Mike has decided to grant this.
- Nobody has watched Neighbours in Australia since Kylie left, but they are still Australian, parallels to "Shropshire Boys", Nigel Havers is our Minogue. It's a small, feeble squirrel bollock. Reflecto-bollocked.
- Wagga Wagga is pronounced Wogga Wogga. Mike accepts this.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Charlie's skate-punk Patreon jingle, with Janet on vocals.
- Hide and seek seafood roulette.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Mimi's "Mr Sandman-influenced" acapella version
¶ Notable Quotes
- The Henry Paker Cinematic Universe
- North African Surveillance Drone Corp, Mercenaries R Us, Mercenaries R U
- Finally, my love of jingoism and squirrels, my two passions, combined in one glorious thing.
- Cos Ben, you’re someone who’s entered the beginnings of the squirrel phase of life, aren’t you? / Yes, my death becomes ever nearer.
- MAGPIE! MAGPIE! MAGPIE!
- One for sorrow. Two for sorrow. Three for sorrow. Four for sorrow.
- The Scarcity vs Plentitude Animal Emotional Reaction Ratio
- Be the best squirrel you can be, you’re not lolling about in Exeter, just sort of wasting your life away, frankly, let’s face it, those squirrels.
- Suspension of disbelief, isn’t it? / And of squirrels.
- The red sun rising over sweet, sweet Africa, is one of the most humbling experiences I’ve ever had.
- To have your armpits lathered by an elephant’s hoof, is a life-changing experience.
- Don’t think I’ve been terrified by a potato, no, but there for the grace of god go I.
- You actually spend most of your time watching reruns of Only Fools and Horses from your flat in Nottingham.
- Havers, of course, is our Minogue.
- Cormac the Onion Child
- Yeah, he’s going to be in a skidoo before you know it.