¶ Opening Chat
- Henry is eating a bacon sandwich as the Beans are recording "very early".
- Ben hasn't shifted the mucus plugs on his chest yet (they solidify and can come out of one of 3 orifices, sometimes the Bean Machine), also hasn't sloughed off his outer casing yet. Mucus can also be used as grease. There is complexity and beauty to the "crystalline polysaccharide weft" of Ben's mucus.
- They are recording "entertainment industry early" meaning half of the workforce is already working hard. It's already tomorrow for bakers, possibly leisure / leather time.
- Henry hasn't woken up in the right order, his face looks like a Picasso painting or unsolved Rubik's cube, needs to get to the blue phase.
- Ben in his Goya "Horrors of War" sketches phase - prostrate (prostate? that is in its Dali phase) bodies.
- Mike looking vital, pert and fresh "a perfect little gorgeous little Vermeer", "Mike with the Pearl Earring", perfect colouring, beautiful lighting, pouring milk from an earthenware jug into the pail of a delighted, ribald monk. The monk Edgwin knows to keep quiet during the recording. There is also a maiden through a lattice window doing the dance of the seven veils, she is a chastity escort to make sure nothing untoward happens between Mike and Edgwin during the recording.
- Henry goes back to his bacon sandwich, getting up early justifies a bacon sandwich or full English - thinking of the people who make the country work - builders, engineers, signal men and the single woman (Henry: "all the signal ladies, all the signal ladies" Ben: "so put your flags up" to the tune of Single Ladies by Beyoncé).
- Henry asks for 2 ketchups when he gets a bacon roll, anecdote part of brain not woken up yet. Ben tells an "anecdote" of having fish and chips and asking for 12 ketchups.
- Audiences should listen to Beans as soon as they wake up.
- Henry's Costa bacon roll was "loveless". He has brought Costa to the studio as it can be enjoyed "on the road and in one of over 2000 restaurants" Mike: "and they are restaurants". "Costa: it does the minimum".
- Croissant in an evidence bag, name of the victim on the back ("it just says society"). Taking it outside of the considered ambience of a Costa is like a vampire going out in broad daylight ("screaming dust").
- For breakfast, Ben has had Weetabix with Grape Nuts. Mike has had hog on a spit (Edgwin caught the hog).
- Grape Nuts are a cereal anomaly, don't eat them solo, "it's much like doing LSD, you need to surround yourself by people you trust who will help you through the trip". Ben has had a bad nut before and thought he was milk ("you're neither grape nor nut!") Henry Widdicombe registered the Twitter handle @grapenuts and ran the account for a while.
- Ben has a memory of a cereal - wheat flakes, packet had an olde man on it, "gossamer thin". "Gossamer thin" only really used in novels. What is gossamer?
- Novelists using other words for "said" (mouth-farted, word-burped) and "walked" (padded).
- People described as having grey eyes in novels - Henry doesn't think they exist. Henry pictures Ben as a cyclops, Mike has a compound eye in a palm. Henry has "the dead eyes of a shark", "nightmare eyes", "Honjamin".
- John's Bean Machine jingle is played. Henry "remembers" dancing on a stage topless in Ibiza, at the I-BEETh-A Agricultural / Threshing show, all the compost on Henry. 90s dance music is just noise, "why can't we just put the Carpenters on?".
- Birds suddenly appear due to the bird seed in pockets. Let's give a pill to a heron.
- Ben requests that if listeners remember the cereal to get in touch - old vs olde man (not the Quaker man or the hench Scottish Oats man). "Tasty Wheaty Colonial Bastards".
¶ Topic Chat
- Discussion about Sting's accent and pervy songs. Henry does a Geordie accent and a Sting accent ("Don't Stand So Close to Me"). Maybe you have to stand very close to a Geordie to activate the Sting voice.
- Ben finds "Another Brick in The Wall (Part 2)" by Pink Floyd cringy because of the sentiment. Don't think for yourself and you could live in a huge house in the Cotswolds with 50 tax-break Alsatians (they belong to the Cayman Islands).
- Ben has recently been to a Planetarium to watch a show about "The Dark Side Of The Moon". Pink Floyd were alternative thinkers - no such thing as a Floyd - Keith Floyd was pink from sunburn and alcohol.
- In hindsight some teachers were barely holding it together, more empathy for teachers now.
- Mike's class unified to drive their tutor to distraction, for example building enormous pyramids of chairs and then denying they could see anything.
- This teacher probably had his own problems - Nissan Micra on last legs, no replies from the weekly letters to Cyndi Lauper, getting mail bombed by T'Pau.
- Henry had a history teacher "Dr Beige" (Dr Brown) who everyone loved.
- Mike's math teacher "Mr Hyundai" would never get angry even if his arse got covered in chalk or they were playing Jack-O-Lanterns on his eyeballs (scooping out eyeballs and replacing with candles).
- If Henry was teaching a class he would be dead by the end of the day. He would be safest as an art teacher.
- Likening being a teacher to experiences as a stand-up; losing control of a room, being described as unbookable, having a bottle of Kronenberg 1664 thrown at your head.
- Teacher has no green room, they should have an off-stage wings. Ben would have "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N'Roses, "it's your maths teacher ... Benjamin Partridge!", he comes out dressed as an eagle in costume on a mini Hyundai on a high-wire.
- Class bollockings had little to do with behaviour, all about the mood of the teacher.
- Cyndi Lauper has got back to the teacher with a cease and desist, T'Pau have moved next door and are posting letters directly through the wall.
- All teachers listening are good teachers "except for one of you".
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- George from Nottingham. Shopping centre not named after Robin Hood, it's called the Victoria Centre. Nottingham is the home of Boots (do they just have a big Boots?), Arboretum in Nottingham is the inspiration for Neverland in J.M Barrie's Peter Pan. An arboretum is a zoo for trees (are all trees in a zoo?). Richard Littlejohn carries someone across a river.
- Nick is watching "Lovesick" and recognises the voice of the doctor who says the line "the left index finger was put in the anus of your boyfriend", which Nick played over and over again until he realised the "well-built, bearded, handsome doctor" was Mike. He found this unsettling. Mike says the role he auditioned for was "handsome doctor"– in the credits it just said doctor.
- Discussion about how to say the line, you don't want to lean too hard into it and "breathe the scene". Always stress the word "index" (Mike will crowbar the word index into any dialogue), not "anus" as it has its own stress. Mike coaches Henry to say the line ("throw the anus away"), he stresses the word "finger" and gets applause. Ben goes for "early Alec Guinness" and scene-stealing. Mike does the correct reading of the line (vocal trills preceding) - Mike can unthink very easily.
¶ Jingles
- Bean Machine (John from Bremencaster's 90s Warehouse Party Version) (19.59)
- Emails (42.17)
- Listener Bollocking of the Week (46.26)
- Reflecto-bollock (47.58)
- Patreon (54.12)
¶ Bollockings
- "Wozniak Bollock-fest 2023 Headline Act" from ? (name not given). Beans released a non-episode about not working on the fifth Wednesday. Later that day, Mike was performing his solo stand-up gig at work, not upholding the Bean treaty of not working on a fifth Wednesday. In Mike's defence what he does can't be seen as "work". It's not work, it's his passion, that's how it definitely feels driving from Exeter to Glasgow for a gig.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- The Root Veg Disco
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Graham/ Graeme - James Bond Soundtrack. Mike is driving a Lotus Esprit rocking a safari jacket and beige slacks. Henry is the eye candy, thanking him for saving him from Sperbs (will use his lukewarm banter only for good). A giant metal crab rises from the sand, controlled by Sperbs' top henchman, Bonjamin.
¶ Notable Quotes
- It’s entertainment industry early.
- Showbiz has a different dawn.
- I can see from that monk’s red cheeks that he’s a ribald monk.
- It would be great if Beyoncé did “all the signal women”, maybe for a rail strike or something: “So put your flags up!”
- Last week I had fish and chips and I asked for 12 ketchups.
- Costa, it does the minimum!
- YOU’RE NEITHER GRAPE NOR NUT!
- I can tell you right now for a fact, for a cold stony hard, cold hard fact, I don’t know what gossamer is. What is it? I know it’s as thin as everything in a novel.
- In fact, I’m going to say it, grey eyes don’t exist.
- You meant an olde man. I thought you just meant an old man.
- We’ve all been described at various stages of our careers as unbookable.
- So it’s some trees. I mean all trees are in a zoo for trees, aren’t they?
- As soon as anus appears in a line of dialogue, that’s all anyone’s thinking about.
- Throw the anus away.