¶ Opening Chat
- Mike is having mic problems. He uses books by Madhur Jaffrey and Michael Connelly to help out.
- Ben misreads Connelly's book as 'The Unicorn Lawyer' - they get on to writing thrillers (The Something Something) and could they write one that would stand up? Henry: 'It's not hard! Anyone can write one of those massive bestsellers.'
- Mike not so sure. Have to make it a page-turner, either by using commercial incentives or plot mechanisms ('Is that Michael J Fox/ Elton John/ Steven Seagal?') Unwieldy.
- Could illustrate it or BYO Notebook - Have a stab at a Mills and Boon? Ben and Henry's noms de plume are Rosemary Fuck and Deborah Boobs. Discussion about Hairy Doctor's Hands.
- ArachnoBoner/ 9-legged tarantula. Henry is concerned as to whether they have a line that they cross:'Would we play it to my mother?' Mike wouldn't.
- Henry told his mum not to listen to the pod but she went rogue. She had thought he worked for Goldman Sachs and had five Ulfs, as well as steering Germany through the financial crisis.
- Is one lens of Ben's glasses steamed up? Yes, because the Bean Machine produces steam on the left hand side and liquid on the right.
- Ben often gets graffitied but hires ex-Commandoes to guard the Bean Machine. They tear up the Geneva Convention in front of the teenage vandals.
- Ben has been on TikTok but is bewildered. His friend Gareth had recommended it but Ben's algorithms only show him videos of planes in distress.
- Mention of Chinese spy balloon and Nigel Havers, (as in 'The Havers Paradox'.) Their Rommel App ultimately failed.
¶ Topic Chat
- Henry needs a mnemonic so he can remember which pole is which - Mike helps by telling him to imagine ants holding heavy things, like the weight of the world on them. That helps.
- Could there be a Left Pole?! Email from Alistair about Henry's learning Left and Right where Mike had felt that you could rely on Up and Down. Alistair explains that Down in correct - Mike and Henry doubt the efficacy of pointing, Henry feeling that Spiderman thread would help to clarify things. Alistair explains 'The Old Hedgehog Debacle.'
- Ben: 'Why don't we fly over the top of the Arctic?' He flew to LA over snow in Canada. Mike saw the Grand Canyon.
- Henry doesn't like a window seat now as prefers a toilet and a twin rather than to marvel at the natural world (like Milton Keynes.)
- His inner child still wants to see out of the window. 9 year old, moustachioed Mike was part of the aviation team and was invited into the cockpit. (Of course).
- Henry used to be scared of flying but isn't anymore.
- Ben used to get excited about airports but doesn't anymore. Partly because he no longer cosplays being an international nozzle salesman. You will eventually be able to nozzle the music of The Beatles into your ears. 'Say yezzle to the nozzle.'
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- In main topic chat re Up and Down.
- Email for Henry from John in Devon: 'Henry is summoning real owls'. (Unexpected). Henry loves this until John lowers the tone and so summons John a land shark instead.
¶ Jingles
- Lewd Content Warning (9:30)
- Bean Machine (20:00)
- Neil (topic submitter version – 20:50)
- Email jingle from Nathaniel of Bremedinburgh (41:40). Ben wants to discourage people from making their own versions and asks them to pay tribute to his.
¶ Bollockings
- 30 emails about triangles. One from Dr Harry Reynolds about the triangulation of the child in the cinema seat being a right angled triangle (not equilateral).
- Henry pushes back: 1) 'Im not confused, I'm creative.' and 2) He thinks it assumes the child is of equal in measurements. (She wasn't)
- Arts or Sciences greater? A Mathematician wrote Alice in Wonderland. The Arts encompass science as you can't make a diagram of Duran Duran. Mike and Ben both refer to the child as an isosceles triangle.
- Ben received a 'Pre-bollocking Reflecto-shield' from another Ben who said the right-angled triangles could only be guaranteed in the plane - not if children were scattered over the surface of the globe. Henry: 'I was about to say this!' (Right) Verdict: Reflecto-Bollock! Suck it!
- This may have resulted in the radicalisation of Dr Reynolds into the arms of the Sons of Sperbs.
¶ Notable Quotes
- The Magnesium Dossier
- The Notebook Protocol
- Oh, you’re Deborah Boobs! Ah, I loved ‘Slippery Amalfi Banging 3’.
- A medically qualified tarantula
- Ulf, Ulf, Ulfie, Ulfina, Zwolf and Boolf
- I went orienteering with Boolf! Who was that?
- Wait a minute! These are gullibility tablets!
- Some sort of freak steam event
- The Teflon Plaintiff, by Mike Wozniak
- So, aviation near misses and the £80 Grinch, that’s what really does it for you?
- Because I said it with the total certainty of a white, middle-aged, provincial man.
- Quiet! I want a Twix, and a shit. That’s what I want to get out of this journey.
- Henry, can you just read your Beano, please? Mummy’s trying to sleep!
- Have a Chewit and relax.
- Say yeszzle to the nozzle!
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Australian Stars of Stage and Screen Toblerone Feast (Glitz, Glamour and Ganache)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Conor (of famous, massive, chill electronic band, 53 Thieves) – Dedicated to Mike and Ben, it is a guitar-heavy, choral orchestra, heavy slide guitar, gospel, jazz/ blues version.