¶ Opening Chat
- Mike's parents had cleared out some of his old things and he found a badge from the visitor centre at Sellafield Nuclear Power Plant (would it take a Pompidou discount now?) The mantra at the time had been, 'It's completely safe', in the wake of the Chernobyl disaster in 1986. Craig Mazin's 'Chernobyl' on HBO now merged with memories of the actual event.
- Mike's visitor experience included free samples and wearing an atom suit. The word 'gantry' is mentioned 7 times. Ben suggests that a toilet should empty directly into the reactor, creating the Sellafield Turd Monster!
- As a child, Ben went to a Power Station near Bristol and also Big Pit (Wales' premier attraction) featuring gummy, albino leopards, ex-miners and communal showers.
- Ben had also been to his parents' house this week and found his Certificate of Achievement for completing a Business Dynamics Course. They muse on how Ben has made the podcast a profitable and efficient business model which now has 100 international franchises, including Argentina, Mexico and El Salvador. Mike and Henry are contractors and have to take part in the Roadshow which Ben runs. Mike is regularly hurled off the Angel of the North as part of the training sessions. You can only leave the franchise on the day of Ben's daughter's wedding. As he currently has no children the others suggest he should beware of jinx ninjas. What's the difference between Samurai and Ninjas?
- 'Over to Mike' - Samurai were knights and ninjas were warriors who didn't fit into the feudal system - riff on Mike being at a BBQ and boring everyone there.
- The franchise kit includes outfits of Henry and Mike, Henry's being made from masks of Sven-Göran Eriksson.
- Ben pays the franchisees in healthcare vouchers to be used at his virtual hospital in Aldershot. For his own broken arm, he went to a Virtual Fracture Clinic, which was basically an email. His arm now bends 20–30 degrees and retracts into him like a deckchair on a windy day.
¶ Topic Chat
- Mike wonders if the essence of fear is The Unknown. Henry hasn't been to Canada so is that a frightening place? Ben knows what tigers can do so isn't fearful.
- Henry is scared of insects. In his family, his brother Bobfrey (name changed to protect the actual middle child) was scared of spiders and Henry was the flute player so was not allowed to claim he was also scared of insects.
- He once holidayed in Marrakech and tells the tale of the cockroach on the gossamer-thin tissue - 'Walking in a horribly horrible way.' It created a lightshow like a debutante (with maroon carapace) at the top of a staircase. In his mind, there is a Beach Boys soundtrack accompanying its surfing over the tissue. His superpower is the ability to check out of a hotel at record speed. He is repulsed by the thought of the cockroach flying.
- Mike had a holiday in Ko Pha Ngan with an insect that sounded like a Chinook (sound effects at 43:25 / Henry's repulsed noises at 44:40).
- Henry also had a holiday in Thailand where tables of diners would take it in turns to stand and scream when the insect flew towards them.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Kathy and Stu of Shrewsbury email in (Henry wants to lay the trap now with 'Shraspberry'). Kathy and Stu think that Timothy Chalomet deserves his own jingle (jingle is played).
- Alex of Bremen thinks Nigel Havers should have his own jingle (jingle is played).
¶ Jingles
- Provincial Dad (17:50)
- Will's Bean Machine jingle (26:07) (Hans Blix is coming to inspect the Bean Machine next week). Will has been on the dark web to uncover the true noises of the Bean Machine. (Thanks to the baritones and castrati. the acoustics are reminiscent of secret chambers containing slow worm basilisks and leading via staircases and slides to the Ealing Costa.)
- Emails (45:40)
- Bollocking (46:35)
- Pompidou (51:26)
- Chalamet (55:40)
- Havers (56:21)
- Patreon (57:13)
¶ Bollockings
- Jaz the Polar Scientist sent Ben a 'light bollocking.' Lobsters are not immortal! They age slowly and die young, large and exhausted. Henry envisages a film starring Jeff Goldblum where people are lobstered. Meme of trying to grow a leviathan lobster. Henry learnt from Dr Custance that you can't have bus-sized ants. 'How deep is your ant?' ballad (50:20).
- Henry introduces the concept of: The Bollock within a Pre-empto Deflector Intra Self-deflecto Bollock with a side salad of Fuck You. It would involve a Bean secreting bait into an episode to trap listeners into emailing in a bollocking, but then it being revealed as the above and the punishment being the listener then has to offer a Pompidou discount on a service they could provide. Ben accepts Jaz's bollock.
- Matt from Cambridgeshire sends in a maritime bollocking about keel hauling - it was the Dutch not the British Navy. Bollocking Accepted.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Fugitives' Bingo: Bingo Caller was Purple Strawberry, the winner (of surgery to look like a Sean Bean body double) was Daniel Hunt
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Matt the bollocker has also sent in the theme tune: An ambient, modular, synthesiser and kalimba cover in the style of an early noughties documentary on The Wonders of the Cosmos (presented by Matt Baker.)
¶ Notable Quotes
- Yes, he is wearing a Hazmat suit, and he is standing 3000 metres away, but, he is safe.
- I think I got a hot glowing chunk of Uranium to take in my little pocket, to feed to the cat when we get back.
- Shit directly into a nuclear reactor? I’d pay for that!
- It’s not a giant fox, it’s just incredibly close.
- So, what happens when you get down in there, is it, little railway tracks? / It’s a big pit. / It’s a big pit. Deep pit? / Deep pit, big pit, yeah. / Big pit deep pit.
- Quite prison-like, then? Those are prison-level perks, I’d say, a communal shower.
- Signed by David Millar, no less. / If only you’d worked with Susan Billar.
- Ensalad de Tres Beaños
- The agricultural semen burglars
- A ninja can give you one of the best handies on the planet, but you don’t know it’s happened.
- You’re going to have to re-strate a few of these guys. Can you do that? Get stitching!
- Bobfrey’s afraid of spiders!
- And just like a tongue, when you pull on the tongue and pull it out, another tongue comes out.
- In the right circumstances, it could be considered coquettish, but here it’s menacing.
- I'm a wobbler, I'm a wobbler, mate.