¶ Opening Chat
- Mike has ordered a new Triple Cream cable so next week the sound will be creamy creamy with sound coming from within the moustache canopy which is used as a pop shield, crumb barrier, anti-moth net, novella filing system, CD rack, but they fall out.
- Moustache as a toast rack in a provincial B&B – Mike has to lie on the table the night before – elderly couple running the B&B are a nasty piece of work – want to use his belly button as a marmalade container but it's too big.
- Belly button hole vortexing down into abdominal Mendips with fabulous frescoes – Henry pulls out of saying stalactites/stalagmites – HP's mnemonic involves tights from Boots / BP's are over the face of a bank robber with head in the seat and legs as bunny ears (softens the look).
- The other robber wears a cardboard Prince Charles mask ('80/'81 era Charles) – conducting affairs with top totty.
- More stalagmite/stalactite confusing chat involving Boots – what is Stalag Luft? – BP's trips to Wookey Hole with its stalagmite that looks like a witch (but not really).
- Ben taught tights come down = stalactites come down, but no one is suggesting cave banter of that kind, which is a thing of the past (80s was a different time).
- Henry profers some 80s tour guide patter of the orgasmic wails/moist cave walls/sweaty buttocks kind.
- Ben compares mnemonics to acrostic poems, confusing Henry further but Mike says those are a subset of mnemonics: Richard of York Died In Battle In Vain (2 indigos in BP's rainbow).
- Mike says there needs to be a narrative or structure. Henry prefers visual aids (nobbled cave extrusion next to a picture of the word that's all furry).
- Henry asks Mike to picture a furry picture in Tate Modern that he's travelled all the way from Exeter to see, but it's not a very very very very very very realistic painting of a boat so Mike won't believe it's art (can't smell the crabs).
- Mike needs to imagine art on the wall of a maritime-themed pub or a toilet – crossover with BritArt in Hirst's shark ("quite radical") but Hirst's sheep was "agricultural vandalism" and Mike called 999, ruining his family's day out.
- Turning on the bean machine is a challenge in spring – spores – pipes full up with cubs – cub comes out blinking and passes the fecal plug (1,000 Mars bars left in a hot car, taken out and let out of their packet, rolled in fluff, feathers and bioluminescent alge, fungus found in bone crypts (a necronibasement for necronistorage (just off the A7))).
- Necronigarage saves you on car insurance but you can get a Mesopotamian Skull Crofter on Nextdoor app – various ads for necronistorage – skeletal hands/dogs – BP has necroniconned up the bean machine – haunted skulls and bones are a little macabre but with a jolly size (xylophone bones) – human skull is grinning after all – we're all just walking dead skulls.
- Bean machine gift shop shut down by the council – necronigift shop doesn't pay business rates but too many skulls becomes a mausoleum.
¶ Topic Chat
- NNNEEEEIIILLLL! is the topic submitter again (Henry's rendering of Neil's name lasts 22 seconds with spare air from his independent Neil lung (not Neil Young)).
- Ben spooked by comment on Patreon naysaying the Neil jingle – perfectly polite so that's worse – can't write them off as a ne'er-do-well.
- Henry is an always-do-well – he gets his skeletons from (asked that often at schools and MBA seminars) ... he'll tell you privately over a (poisoned) bap while punching you in the gills
- Henry does the dark business circuit (not the LSE) in the underworld, in NecroniLoughborough and the NecroniUniversity of Florida.
- Ben would like to paddle in the swimming pool of definitions in his Victorian woolen swimming costume.
- Henry not as into crime shows as Ben & Mike, he prefers the mystery of whether the poet can keep up their use of alliteration or whether the rhyme scheme will be ABBACCAABB or ABABCCCAB...
- A quiet Friday night in for Henry is looking at a corner of a Manet, marvelling at the light catching a teapot.
- Ben wonders if Manet got pissed off about Monet having a similar name: "Do you mean Monet?" – or Mani from (sic) Supergrass – or Man A – or "money" as said by a Scouser (Henry's accent is a hate crime).
- Henry and The Sun no longer welcome in Liverpool, he should walk into the Mersey – imagine angry scouser hands pummelling his face.
- Henry tries to claw it back by telling of his nice breakfast in a cafe in Liverpool (no big deal) – curse of the Londoner: what they mean is "It's not that different from London"/you can drink the tapwater/nice poached eggs.
- BP couldn't believe the Highlands of Scotland was part of the UK – HP says they're Londoners' secret along with Cornwall and the Suffolk coast.
- HP driving in the Highlands is surprised by hills appearing behind hills cos they're not see-through, completely non-Pompidou'ed.
- HP excited by the Elizabeth Line cos you can see the rivets – mossed-over rivets in the Highlands like a faux fur carpet or wallpaper.
- Ben reminds the listener to stop off on the way at the Soup Dragon Cafe for their Pompidou discount (is it 10 or 15%?).
- Henry loves the palette of the Highlands but is disgusted with himself for saying it.
- The feeling of sinking one's teeth into a ptarmigan – HP watching the Attenborough doc on the British Isles – includes N. Ireland so it's UK – if a squirrel goes over the Irish border, what does the DUP think about it?
- Mike has watched it and feels it needs a murder or two – Henry reminds him there are murders but there's no suspense.
- Mike found the seal pup death very hard to stomach – Henry tries to channel how he feels about pigeons (there's loads, not a big deal, like swatting a fly) – MW more comfortable watching a human being killed fictionally – what killed the seal?
- County Lines squirrels as a warning to other seals – one hench squirrel with a snooker ball in a sock – might end up like Gary the seal (now in the necronistorage where the prices are murderously good).
- Ben asks Mike to recount the murder that distressed him so: an orca did the murdering after going into the gully where the grown-up seal had scarpered – Attenborough: "teaches the other orcas how to drown it" – Ben asks if it's in the Thames next to HMS Belfast, but it's off the Shetland Isles.
- In the shows Mike watches, the orca would be called Reverand Whale and would be tending to his mint plant in a small parish with an anxious housekeeper – money needs to be raised for the church roof even though it already has 3 roofs – complex plan involving a twin brother.
- No subtext in a nature doc, just lunch – but what if the seal was in a locked room all along? (Mike is now interested).
- Henry thinks the show should have 10 celebs in between the orca and the seal, including Titchmarsh dressed as a walrus, Travolta as a seagull, Lumley as a sea otter – "Save That Seal" – both mental and physical challenges in the aching cold of the North Sea.
- Titchmarsh would surprise people by gardening his way through the kelp plains – "he's put a pergola in".
- Ben explains that Titchmarsh is the premier TV gardener and writer of appaling/smash hit erotic novels – Titchmarsh wins the Bad Sex Award every year with his digging metaphors – pruning/weeding too tricky.
- "Mr MacGregor" is the novel with the bad sex writing: "lissom limbs"/"human boa constrictor" – HP wonders if this means his phallus and wonders which book it was cos he has his Kindle right there.
- Mr MacGregor is also the gardener in the Peter Rabbit stories – he does the most banging even though surrounded by rabbits: "they're at it like me".
- Carrots as penis metaphors: white tendrils/needs peeling/needs 3-min boil/scrubbed under a harsh tap with a wire brush – certainly not organic, drenched in pesticides.
- Henry calls this the most lewd series and Ben suggests an Ultra Lewd/Titchmarsh-level warning – Henry points out 'tit' in surname / Ben points out 'arse' is in there too (and first name is an anagram) / Mike reckons it's nominative determinism.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Emails introduced by Latin jingle remix from Mary Ellen for "original sexy monk Bean Partridge" – Henry finds the chanting and Latin so sexy – absolutely x-rated – he pictures a pew writhing with monks under a flickering neon bulb – did the lower voice have an American accent? – Mike now knows the Latin word for robot (which is robot) – email comes from the Latin – Henry tells Ben to visit Pompeii because they did have phone repair shops – one of the guys caught in his final moments is deleting an email from LinkedIn (he has become his own screengrab).
- Dan from Aberdeen now living in the north of Sweden via Bremen – his newborn baby imprinted on Henry shortly after birth when the pod was played instead of music playlist – if the child is to be fed, need to print out Henry's face, take it to Snappy Snaps, make a face mask for parents to wear, buy some Paker scent online (although a lot of it is taken from men with a similar build) – two masks, one on each breast, with nipples coming out through the mouth: this is not the way to do it – wear the mask, spit worms through the mouth and into the baby's mouth – Dan's son also has an onion-shaped birthmark on his thigh – three onion children now (one for each bean) – feed them shrews "skeleton-in" not off the bone – nanny society gone mad.
- Gareth emails in reference to Ice Cream episode and HP's "billion dollar idea" that he hasn't thought about since – ready-scooped is already a hit in Moscow – yet again an HP business idea is a rehash of an old Soviet trick like his one about collectivising farms, secret police, network of informants, icepick assassin squad: Paker's Big 5-Year Bonanza.
- Robert of Sheffield writes to access Mike's Provincial Dad wisdom – his colleague believes in an everlasting lightbulb being quashed by cartel of lightbulb makers – is it nonsense in the vein of Soviet space pencil? Mike likes it as a bit of trivia but it reminds him of The Man in the White Suit. Mike is on Robert's side and says he should stick to his guns regardless of evidence – cleave harder and be prepared to ruin a barbecue/a car journey/dinner party/evening in a small rustic pub. Weather the convo with your wife: "why does it matter to you?" and stare at the road ahead before getting up at 3am and playing "Smoke on the Water" on your electric guitar until dawn.
- BPen has found stress relief in popping on headphones, plugging in and playing along to a backing track the solo from "Comfortably Numb" 5 times in a row – ultimate mindfulness – lovely and tragic – always got your six-string – but what if someone secretly filmed Ben's facial expressions, projected onto Big Ben and had Titchmarsh describe them? Ben closes curtains so it's ok.
¶ Jingles
- The Regal Zone (4:28)
- Lewd Content (10:38 & 41:44)
- Crab Bell rung (14:54)
- Bean Machine (21:44)
- Neil low and distorted (23:48)
- Latin email jingle remix (46:44)
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- French Firefighters Wrestling (partially in French) (20 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- John from Bremen's "Three Bean Mambo" – a dark mambo with no real guitar (already bored Henry this episode)
Kelly Vivanco's Additional Note
¶ Notable Quotes
- I tell you what, maybe they spent too much thinking about stalagmite, and they didn’t think about whether they should stalag-should.
- I tell you what, I pleasured a woman down here three weeks ago, you can still hear her making her loud orgasmic wail.
- You think these cave walls are moist, you should see how sweaty my buttocks get when I’m at it.
- That’s two indigos in my rainbow.
- You call this art, it’s not even a very very very very very very very very realistic painting of a boat.
- I just thought that was a piece of agricultural vandalism, frankly. There are proper processes to dispose of dead sheep. And for very good reasons.
- We’re all just walking dead smiles, aren’t we, at the end of the day, and it’s worth remembering that, if you’re ever a bit low.
- And how many people, genuinely, literally ne’er do well?
- Henry, have you punched a gill into someone?
- Will it be ABBACCAABB ? Or will it be ABABCCCAABB, or will it be BBBAABBCCDD or will it be AADDBBCCC?
- It’s completely non-Pompidou’d!
- I love the palette of the Highlands.
- She felt like warm compost under his hands.
- They’re at it like me.
- I’ve lacquered my penis. / I’ve also drenched it in pesticides.
- Oooh, that sexy monk!