¶ Opening Chat
- Henry needs buttons sewn back onto garments, micro-tasks that increasingly form the main meaning of life such as finding somewhere to put batteries (been holding them for 3 years).
- Battery Hand, the new Game of Thrones (a man with quite a hot wrist holding batteries in his dominant hand which eventually gets tired).
- The land of Batterania, the Duracell Bunny is the King, the quest for the socket, the wedding where everyone gets tired.
- Henry can't be arsed to learn how to sew buttons. A sewing kit is something you can ask for in a hotel.
- Other hotel equipment including the shit-smearing iron and the Kettle O'Piss. The tradition of the Kettle O'Piss, you know Mike has stayed there if the Kettle O'Piss is boiling hot (he's stuck the button down so it keeps boiling).
- February is a leftover month. Henry had his birthday and a meal out - he spends the whole day in Costa (the staff don't give him birthday wishes, though they might issue him with a writ).
- Henry has recently been visiting a "ghost Nero" with a toilet like a deep-sea wreck. Henry felt maybe he could captain this Nero.
¶ Topic Chat
- Is there a difference between a Zeppelin and a blimp – no one travelling in a blimp? Beans Google about Zeppelins and Hindenburg finding out they originated pre-war in New Jersey. Bad radio.
- Talk of releasing the early "Covered Markets" to Sean Bean patrons "it's fine" says Ben, whereas at the beginning the Beans were saying "it's exceptional or it's in the bin".
- Hindenburg – German, commercial passenger airship, rigid ("in some places"), envelope volume – like at the post office (large letter or a Zeppelin), probably best to send a Zeppelin signed-for.
- Hindenburg named after field Marshall Paul Von Hindenburg.
- Hovercrafts – Mike lived near a military base where you could get a hovercraft – floating for about 3 seconds and then noisy and incredibly bouncy, toilets are an absolute catastrophe, you are the Kettle O'Piss.
- Hovercraft are mechanised frogs, very unlikely to be nabbed by a golden Eagle, not likely to have legs chopped off by a Frenchman to put into a (delicious) salty stew.
- Hovercraft reproducing – Hovercraft spawn is exceptional, clogging up the Solent. You think you've seen a buoy, it's actually hovercraft spawn, waiting to be spunked on by another hovercraft.
- Discussion about the benefits of frogs – their knife-work (they are feared and respected by pond folk), amphibious, but the hovercraft is not using the full technology, why has one not gone to Central London? There should be a hovercraft corridor from the South Coast to London, getting you covered in piss and blood but getting you home.
- Were hovercrafts made by a Brit? Sounds like the type of thing taught in British schools, forgotten about the Austrian Dagobert Müller von Thomamühl who built the first hovercraft in 1915 and formed Muller yoghurts on the side.
- Idea of modern hovercraft associated with Christopher Cockerell – discovered this by blasting air at the annular area of two concentric tin cans (cat food and coffee) with a hairdryer ("bollocks!"). Henry mentions a robot's anus.
- Cockerell visited Dagobert at a Viennese tea party, wanting him to sign a yoghurt with a pen that writes in strawberry compote. Cockerell invented the Muller Corner, then Dagobert stole it, then Cockerell stole the hovercraft by saying he blew air in a robot's anus.
- Henry keeps calling Dagobert "Diggbert" and amuses himself repeatedly saying "box of curiosities", of which Dagobert becomes trapped inside
- Hot air balloons – Mike troubled by this as there is no piloting. Ben talks about the experience of getting a hot air balloon ride as a gift – possible scam. Eventually finding a day you can book, travelling to it, being told by a weird guy you're not being able to fly as weather not good and then repeat.
- The weird guy running the place has a new gold tooth and nicer trainers on subsequent visits. Balloons seen in the sky are chromatic aberrations, generally it's Benny from Abba being projected. If you do get on the balloon you go up and see the balloon guy shagging someone you love and stealing your car. Instructions for flying the plane are on his white pasty buttocks, becoming increasingly difficult to read but you have to look. Has it been coordinated? My Aunt did buy me this experience (all on Aunty's Tabitha's coin).
- Only technology when you are transported in a Fortnum and Mason's hamper – Ben suggests that the impact when you land means you get patéd ("bang! pork pie with an egg through the middle").
- By law you have to propose to whoever you are with on a hot air balloon, even if it's a random Dutch tourist.
- If you survive the hamperisation you have to live out a long and loveless marriage with a perfectly nice Dutch person, but you might get an EU passport out of it. You not be able to import yourself onto the European mainline if you are mostly foodstuffs like chutney. Dishwashers as snacks.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Josh likes the jingles; however, confused by email jingle, realises it's "a robot shoeing a horse" rather than "a robot shooing a horse". Henry thinks it is naive Josh thinks robots taking over will be so gentle ("a thousand ball bearings through that horse", "4 hooves and a smell and it's name in the air briefly - 'Excelsior'"). Josh thinks the robot holds the horse at gunpoint. Henry keen to meet with Josh to discuss AI and investment opportunities, considering if Josh is actually an AI. You take from the jingle what you will, the jingle is the way to catch out AI. If this email is read out, the AI have taken over and the robots are now our masters. Get all your electronic devices and try and do whatever you think the whisk will want you to do, if you make a meringue that holds, you might survive till the Summer. Is Sperbs at the apex of this network? Is he just a wi-fi enabled toaster stuck on the 'perturb some podcasters' setting?
- Sons of Sperbs – twisted Sperbs' ideology "full fusilli". Conchiglie of despair, penne of hope, carbonara of truth, fatty lardons of justice (pancetta of tomorrow, bayleaves of peace). The email starts "Dear bastards". Sons of Sperbs have been infiltrating (hooded gits and whisks) whilst the Beans have been on tax-deductible yacht holidays. Next live event might be a sea of Sperbs, waiting to give a live unibollock, something to think about when "you're showing Henry how to pleasure a woman in your live demonstrations". Henry thinks those demonstrations have gone well – Henry and Ben both learning a lot. Henry says shoplifting in John Lewis is "a whisk I'm willing to take" – Ben is impressed but not amused, Mike thinks there was heavy crowbarring.
- James – previous episode spoke about escaping Sperbs in the Yukon. At that moment, he was traversing the snowy landscape in the Yukon and his cover had been blown. James will now need to go further undercover (under balloons?). American news story about radars picking up, and missiles destroying, Chinese spy balloons, might have been a 6th birthday helium panda. Henry thinks a panda is a kind of Chinese dog. This is why the Beans don't cover the news.
¶ Jingles
- Battery Hand Theme Tune (3.31)
- Bean Machine (12.24)
- Robot Digestive Tract Talk (24.30)
- Emails (34.37)
- Patreon (51.33)
¶ Notable Quotes
- Battery Hand: they’re calling it the new Game of Thrones.
- Every toilet visit is an utter catastrophe, if it happens on a hovercraft.
- Hovercraft spawn is amazing to see.
- It sounded like there was a robot’s anus involved, there.
- Oh no, I am now one of the curiosities!
- This was all on Aunty Tabitha’s coin. What’s going on? Who’s pulling the strings here?
- On impact you’re pâtéd.
- Bam! Pork pie with an egg through the middle.
- It’s entirely dependent on the caprice of the whisk.
- The lardons of justice.
- As I said when I last went shoplifting in the kitchen section of John Lewis: that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
- Bean Appétit!
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual moth-proofing picnic
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Morgan's film noir version.
- Mike is a loose cannon detective, Henry the hapless loveable sidekick. They are led to the Cassowary gang which they find is led by Bonjamin, though he is just a lowly henchman for Sperbs. A gun is fired, but by whom?