¶ Opening Chat
Mike has given Ben some terrible news but the Beans get distracted by Ben's hot blackberries. Squirrel talk. Ben will patent the Hot Blackberry Regime and sell it on TV. This reminds Henry of the ads that are shown in Robert Dyas - a new High Street Shop Topic, but Mike and Ben have never heard of this middle-aged space of hoovers, Light-bulb Corner, Spatula Avenue and Meat-Hammer Highway.
JML infomercials advertise little things that will revolutionise your life but that you will never use eg. The Nylon Hedgehog Hotel! The ads give microdoses of dopamine by mentioning high numbers eg The Julienne 5000.
Each product is also non-stick and has at least 8 functions, and free Application Gloves.
For the first time ever, Henry says something and Mike understands it!
Henry has done the opposite of the Hot Health Kick - Cold Pork Medallions? - He discovered frozen berries in the form of the BerryBerg. And worried that the Christmas Bolognese might poison everyone by still being frozen.
They acknowledge that they have been avoiding Mike's bad news which turns out to be, 'My Hyundai i10 is dead.' The cause of death was a catalogue of errors and strange noises. Ben is now having to face the mortality of his own i10.
He writes the Hyundai Lament (20:58)
'There comes a time in every i10's life,
When it turns the final corner.
You've served us well, me and my grateful wife,
Think of you as a daughter.
Bye bye Hyundai
You never left us high and dry.
Why did you have to die?'
¶ Topic Chat
There are two types of people: those who command the hearth or BBQ and those who don't. Essential husbandry of fire shows the alpha male/ dad, but Mike does not feel he is among such company. He feels he is moth-like though, having been pyro-obsessed as a child 'unintentionally' burning off his friend Olly's eyebrows. His family may not have noticed however and perhaps Olly became a professional swimmer in the form of Sir Michael Phelps.
Henry also confesses to a crime: the Terrible and Intentional Fall of Bobty.
As a child, did Ben deliberately hurt a friend? No as he's not a psychopath.
Henry asks if the others have ever been fired. Mike has done TV pilots then seen Nicole Kidman in the role the following year.
Henry has not been fired so much as 'We agreed to a parting of the paths.' This was after three main incidents:
- SMASHFUCK!!
- Found to be asleep most afternoons
- The petty cash tin being stolen on Henry's 'watch'
Kelly Vivanco's Show Notes
¶ Emails
The Beans love Elizabeth's email jingle and think it sounds like a lost recording from the 1960s which could be used on a Wes Anderson film (89% on Rotten Tomatoes but just a bit too long).
Eugenie from Hobart, New Zealand had watched the 2003 film, 'Master and Commander' and emailed in to share some Beany lines from what she saw as the Ultimate Dad, therefore Ultimate Mike, movie. Mike hasn't seen it.
Russell Crowe is the only actor who can shout louder than cannons and thunder. Paul Bettany is the go-to guy and brings homemade chutney to his roles.
Henry wonders if Mike or Ben watched Sharpe and tells them that, originally, Paul McGann was going to play the starring role. Mike mentions that Tom Selleck was due to play Indiana Jones. Ben says that Patricia Routledge was supposed to play Lara Croft. Anyway, Paul McGann got injured playing football so Sean Bean got the gig. So there is no Paul McGann tier or lounge. Yet.
¶ Jingles
22:00 Bean Machine
23:27 Provincial Dad (with Rum Raisin)
48:15 Email jingle by Elizabeth from Louisiana
55:45 Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
“I’m shocking my body with hot blackberries!”
Ben: “We could go on.”
Mike: “We sometimes do!”
Smash Eggs the new way, with the new Egg Smasher from JML!
I’m just going to have a look at it, on my way, either to or fro the lightbulbs.
“That’s right, this Mini Hedgehog Hotel, is completely Non-Stick!”
“Not 1, not 2, but 7!”
Henry: “Do you know about frozen berries?”
Mike: “Well, I know what both of those words mean, yeah, so I think I can hazard a guess, yeah.”
Mike: “The news I broke to Ben was that my Hyundai i10 is dead.”
Ben: “Oh God!!! MIIIIIICHAEEEEL!!!”
“It’s Hyundead.”
“It Hyundied.”
And maybe it's time, not mention all the things that are wrong with it and sell it to a teenager.
Give me one of those jeeps or I’m going to push you down the stairs.
And you’re stroking with your other hand, a bejewelled black tortoise!
“Oh, I see you’ve met my friend… consequences!”
“Total smashfuck!”
You’ve not just broken a plate, you have smashfucked that entire wall of antiques!
Henry: “When I was asleep in that room I was looking after it, actually, I’d say…”
Mike: “Like a dragon?”
“There’s no way I could have stolen the petty cash! I was asleep!”
“That is so the Moustache Mafia talking there, isn't it, you, you always look after your own!”
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
It's the Great Monuments of the World Cake Sale in the Paul McGann Suite in the Sean Bean Lounge this week.
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Beth from Devon went to see Zusa in Nottingham and has sent in a Klezmer style theme in homage