¶ Opening Chat
- Starts with a technical issue - Henry had plugged his headphones into the wrong aperture and became flustered like an upside-down swan.
- Individual successes, collective failures.
- Primordial soup is just organisms thrashing.
- Ben uses some impactful sports banter.
- AI Ben looks like a sexy Glen Campbell, of "Witchita Lineman" fame. This song gets recommended to Henry a lot, Mike (inexplicably) has never heard it. Mike to be videoed listening to this for the first time.
- Mike treated a new pair of walking boots on Thursday. Mike is a sucker for a salesperson and bought the protective spray.
- Henry being upsold "special" non-reflective glass when getting a picture frame.
- Henry is increasingly anti-science and believes polarised glass / big cats / Häagen-Dazs are not real.
- Mike's old walking boots will stay in the attic just in case, and will only throw them away when destroyed.
- Three Bean Salad tour - Hawaii has a Union Jack on their flag so is a tour option. Also plans to play both Turks and Caicos and Inaccessible Island.
- Inaccessible Island has a cliff called "Where the Pig Fell Off". The British tried to populate it with pigs and they all just fell off. Sharks that day were in heaven with the "sausage rain". Henry sings "Sausage Rain" to the tune of "Purple Rain".
- The "Inaccessible rail" is the world's smallest flightless bird.
¶ Topic Chat
- Oat is the second biggest milk after cow. Ben and Henry prefer oat milk, Ben wonders why oat milk is more expensive.
- Seeing your dairy cow doing their first nativity (a tear jerker). Second nativity not as fun, cast as a cow again not an angel.
- Discussion about the shoe measuring contraption in Clarks and how pleasurable it felt, but could crush you at any time. Even as a small child Mike's feet would be described as "rather wide" and would require the "platypus bracket".
- Ben not sure what size foot he is - tall ankles, inverse arching and "lacquered balls".
- Trousers will expand over time,particularly if well treated chicken leather trousers. Trousers also contract / shrink.
- Ben usually buys his trousers from Asda, and they can get confused with his pre-cut chicken pieces.
- Ben has fallen far from his Hapsburg Prince roots, living as a peasant for 3 plus decades.
- Henry getting adverts for "emotionally intelligent" omni-trousers, that can write simple contracts or look after a cat for a week.
- Trying to get the conversation back to Oats, having to retrace steps and "Hansel and Gretel this shit".
- Does the UK import oats? If the podcast was just Mike and Ben it would just be discussing oat imports.
- History of the world could be told through oats. "Game of Oats" on Netflix starring Idris Elba.
- Henry finds wheat, oats, barley the same. In France saw fields of crops and ran his hands through it. Ben is thinking of Gladiator, Mike is thinking of Theresa May.
- Henry thinks porridge is either "quite nice" or "totally gross" depending on his headspace.
- Phantom Thread is the porridge of films. Art house films are better when pouring honey on your face.
- Henry likes smooth, white porridge. Mike likes to "feel the grit" and makes very thick porridge, which could be dropped from the first floor of a building and cause someone a life-changing injury. Maybe Henry just wants some cream.
- Phantom Thread's soundtrack by Bon Jovi.
- Oatcakes - Ben hasn't had one. How do they stick together? This is the nadir of the podcast.
- Mike is pleased they haven't discussed the "sowing of oats". Henry makes a joke about a "sewn" oat jumper, and the podcast has definitely reached it's nadir.
- What is an oat? If you know, email in.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- 44.57 - Time email section starts
- Will and Erin from Melbourne. Recently listened to Volcanoes in a cabin on Mount Fuji. The podcast can cause people to lose feeling in their hands. Discussion about Havana syndrome, which has the same symptoms as the podcast. Will and Erin lay claim to the highest altitude Beanheads (aircrafts excluded). The podcast may be more enjoyable if you have hypoxic brain injury or hypothermia. You should never eat prawns sourced from deep in the Himalayas.
- Alfie had a police officer who would visit his school named PC Justice.
- Live show plug - first two London Podcast Festival shows sold out very fast so they are doing a third one.
- Mike plugs comedian Celya AB's Edinburgh Fringe run of "Second Rodeo". Mike has directed this show / been a general cheerleader.
¶ Jingles
- 6.13 - Provincial Dad Chat
- 18.44 - Le Vrai Oiseau by Sam from France
- 22.05 - Bean Machine
- 44.57 - Emails
- 46.18 - Reflecto-bollock
- 52.30 - Patreon
- 56.21 - Trumpet Fanfare closing theme
¶ Bollockings
- Eduardo saying Bremen is neither a coastal or port city, which Ben reflecto-bollocks using the "bollock antidote" in the email.
¶ Notable Quotes
- You did have the look of a trapped bird about you.
- It’s useful for flight or flight, isn’t it, you thrash in either.
- To thrash, is to be alive.
- We all live betwixt the two great unknown thrashings, don’t we?
- You don’t know the song Witchita Lineman?
- A kind of deception plinth.
- You know Häagen-Dazs isn’t real?
- I want to go there so much but it’s inaccessible!
- We need the platypus bracket!
- How do oatcakes stick together?
- And with that, the podcast reached its nadir.
- There’s more depths to plumb!
- What is an oat?
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Summer German Christmas Market
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Max's "Trumpet Fanfare" version