¶ Opening Chat
- Ben starts with a professional, radio-style introduction to the show, which the Beans believe is his way of becoming a presenter on Radio 2.
- Henry is in a helicopter doing the traffic, and Keith from Worcester is on the texts.
- Jeremy's Vine where the Jeremy Vines are clone-bred under laboratory conditions.
- Pets in freezers being discussed as a topic on Jeremy Vine's show (Mike doesn't defrost his freezer until there are ice crabs).
- Calm but harried voice achieved by having a good night's sleep but also an itchy arse. This is where middle-aged haemorrhoids come into their own. They help you empathise with stricken Venezuelan cocoa farmers and just enough time to bleed one during Lionel Ritchie.
- Arse grapes on the Jeremy Vine that make wine for the midnight Radio 2 communion.
- Henry's anecdotes about celebrities often involve a urinal or should involve a urinal. Recall about the story of a "bleeped" celebrity pissing in a car park in Hampstead.
- Henry once saw Jeremy Vine riding an unicycle. Ben doesn't believe this, Mike is completely on board. Jeremy Vine had a steampunk look and was covered with wheels.
- Ben subsequently Googles "Jeremy Vine on a unicycle wearing steampunk clothes that have wheels all over it and he has a bare midriff and he's wearing lots of different helmets and two monocles and he is in a London Park, maybe Richmond Park but maybe not Richmond Park". His algorithms have given him pictures of women with bare midriff and a picture of Sting. Sting performs a "perpetual crunch" which they think is why he sings they way he does.
- Henry talks to Google and still Asks Jeeves. Pompidou where Henry asks if the Beans can hear themselves as he can't (until he presses direct monitor).
- Henry sounded like a Californian woman in the 1970s, shagging Dentists and smoking cannabis cigarettes.
- Ben believes that in the Bruce Springsteen song Philadelphia it goes "neh meh neh meh mehh" not "doo be doo be doo".
- This debate unleashes Henry's real voice as a punk-assed street dentist from Detroit.
- Henry's accents have a time delay. Eventually it goes a bit Havers.
¶ Topic Chat
- Ben erroneously starts singing the Casualty theme tune. Maybe they have done a time travel or flashback episode.
- Some people know the answer as to what time period they would travel to. Henry doesn't, he'd read the room.
- History repeats itself, there was a Hendrix at the Battle of Hastings. The Bayeux Tapestry is essentially the first "take me to your dealer" poster.
- Talk of "dinosaur era", actually 1994 premiere of Jurassic Park (ed: which came out in 1993). The time machine works by putting you in the body of Laura Dern (not Andrew Lloyd Webber).
- Political dinosaurs running the country.
- Taking a butterfly and a puppy and pushing them through a sieve.
- Henry learnt at school that you can put a wasp in a hole punch. He denies he did this but it sounds like he did.
- Wasp Park - ethically checks out but boring as shit.
- People ask when they would go in time but not where. Henry throws shade at Derby.
- Henry would like to go to a Dickensian or Ye Olde era - which is just like Derby today. Ben went on a cursed journey to Derby with Henry Widdicombe, his petrol cap was vandalised and then they hit an owl with the car at 60mph.
- Henry recalls the previous incident of finding a small, brown bird in his childhood bedroom (he was in his early 30s). Recently on holiday in France it happened again (same bird, same merry dance). The bird of blind terror. Henry completely naked, bird wearing trousers. Henry went to cup the bird but it flew at him and he ran out of the cottage.
- Henry asks to take his top off - is his body covered in small brown birds? A tattoo of a middle-aged man? Henry has a blossoming silver frontage.
- Henry no longer cares about changing rooms, Mike and Ben also don't care. Don't be coy. Challenge a stranger to a wrestle. Henry gets his clothes off and talcs before he gets in the pool.
- Mike can cup anything.
¶ Emails
- 46:36 - Time email section starts
- Ewan had a breakdown in Lille and said it was breakdown-inducingly shit.
- Sam and family staying in an Air B'n'B in Devon. There were animals there including a rhea which pecked his son's toes drawing blood.
- Isabelle was listening to the episode whilst sat at a pottery wheel, has never used it to fashion a phallus.
¶ Jingles
- 4.15 - Icy Crab Bell
- 6.18 - Digestive Tract Talk
- 7.32 - The Glamorous London Life of Henry Paker
- 13.25 - Pompidou
- 20.13 - Havers
- 21.30 - Bean Machine
- 27.10 - Satire (first play)
- 46.36 - E-mails
- 52.55 - Flightless Bird Zone
- 55.09 - Patreon
¶ Bollockings
- Possible bollock from Bort. Says Ben missed the nice parts of Lille on his recent trip. More shade directed towards Derby. Ben says this is "water off a bollock's back" says that he was very hot and tired and blames Lille for that, also expensive and made to sit inside a creperie. But can Ben reflecto-bollock this if it is not an official bollock?
¶ Notable Quotes
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“Over to Henry in the Eye on the Sky!”
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“Ring the Icy Crab Bell.”
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“Good nights sleep but an itchy arse"
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"I do run into celebrities a lot in urinals.”
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"It’s Jeremy Vine on a unicycle?"
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"Naked midriff, for a bit of flavour."
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"I’ve actually drawn a picture of the Jeeves butler on my laptop"
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“Was I sounding like a Californian woman in the 70s?”
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“I’m making love to my dentist at the moment, he’s incredible, you should make love to him as well!”
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"Does he mean that, does he mean perpetual?"
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“You punk ass motherfucker, you want to do this right now? You wanna dance, kid?”
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“I’m fucking a dentist here!”
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“What you’re listening to is the real Henry Paker, everything you’ve listened to the last eight or nine series has been an affectation, the real Henry Paker is a punk ass street dentist from downtown Detroit.”
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“You want crowns, I’ll give you crowns, you piece of shit!”
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I floss with your ma’s knickers!…” “The voice is gone, the voice is going, we know I’ve got a time delay on these things…”
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Meanwhile, it’s Crowded House! Right, let’s bleed these beauties!
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"The arrow that went in Harold’s eye, there is a strong argument that it was actually a spliff."
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"Henry, put the hole puncher down."
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"Welcome to Wasp Park!"
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"Don’t come back to the past and not have seen a dinosaur Ben, please!"
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“It feels like an act that is going to bring calamity upon you, to kill an owl.”
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“As a creative person Ben, I’m perpetually a child in a way that’s not annoying?”
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“Do you mind if I take my top off for this story, I’m very very hot?”
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“You’ll see then that my entire body, is made up of 400 small brown birds, they’ll just fly off..."
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"You’re a Silverfront, as it turns out!”
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“Imagine a sort of wise old dog, that had been imperfectly turned into a human by a witch.”
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“Dick out in a Ryman’s?”
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“Towel your anus with impunity!”
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"Guys, let’s just wrestle to this out!"
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"The Bird of Blind Panic"
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“I’ll cup a bird, I’ll cup a haddock, I’ll cup a baby boar, whatever’s going really.”
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"It’s a bollock spinning down the corridors of infinity, never finding a home."
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“Why is it that small windy streets are charming? Just why?”
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"Classic rheas, isn’t it? Nature’s gits."
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Sean Bean Lounge Eisteddfod
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Benjamin from Tijuana - mouth trumpet and acapella version.