¶ Opening Chat
Henry has an insincere cough.
He has joined 2023 by signing up for a Pret subscription and is now having internal convulsions and day tremors from drinking too much caffeine. He is also eating their Christmas sandwiches even though it is July. The thought of turkeys being knifed in the back makes Henry cry out of his mouth.
He is facing a limited life of acid reflux and eating Pains au Milk of Magnesia and having shots of Cinnamon Bismol. He has an auditory hallucination on air but knows how to deal with it (Pain aux raisins). We are all subscribing to death.
Ben asks Henry about a tweet he made (which he had attempted to make viral) featuring an iced latte on a hire bike, 'It's so 2023'.
Ben hadn't given it any support because there were three images all of the same thing and he wondered if it had been a Butt Tweet!
Henry has taken to hiring Santander bikes to travel between various Prets, yet somehow managed to buy the iced latte from a different coffee shop.
In order to secure his coffee on the bike, he created a suspension cradle from a bungee, and thought society at large would love to see it and it would make him famous.
He isn't sure what happens when a tweet goes viral - does your phone light up like a slot machine?
Henry had filmed a video in case people were interested, but they weren't. He gets ransomy and says he will release the video if the tweet gets retweeted over 100 times. The Beans wonder if they might have to reach out to influencers but can only think of Andrew Tate. Henry offers to visit a Chinese factory for some reason. He thinks he will be like Glimmerman, but he means Sugarman.
Henry had been hoping to bring lightness to people's days.
21mins: 'The Coffee Made It' to the tune of 'The Final Countdown'.
They riff adverts to go with the tweet, including Dettol and The British Army.
¶ Topic Chat
The topic of Whales is introduced and all the Beans make whale noises. None of the Beans has seen a whale in real life. Ben and Mike have seen porpi and Mike is proud to have seen seals. Are whales really mammals? A whale looks more like a fish, 'It doesn't really have a face.'
Ben reckons all whales are descended from wolves. That's why a whale could bite off Captain Ahab's leg? They have vestigial howls - 'Extraordinary'. Ben fact checks though in order to avoid Bollockmageddon. He reads that, in 1966, Lee Van Valen did research into 'Wolves with hooves'. Perhaps it was acid-infused evolutionary biology?
'Imagine a Whale Galloping' by The Hooved Wolves.
Evolution is a series of accidents which Ben thinks is too weird to be believable, 'It's nonsense! I don't think evolution is real!' Mike thinks that sticking to the Old Testament is much easier sometimes. They remember Jonah, 'The Big Whale Guy.' Mike has Biblical knowledge (though not sure about Hezbollah) and creates vivid images of Jonah being luzzed off the boat, being rescued by an RNLI whale, and spending three nights in its belly as an early Airbnb.
There is a lot of very loud Whale music and difficulty working out the lighting system. Sometimes it's just about getting away on a self catering holiday and experimenting with different ways of cooking krill.
Henry used to like going to the big, international underwater hotels of 300-400 Blue Whales all strapped together. But sometimes you got there and it was only Sperm Whales, and even then may be unfinished as still a hoofed wolf!
Jonah sulks but eventually does what he is told, but then moans about the tree God provides. Henry thinks the Old Testament accounts sound like stories written by six year olds who say, just as you think it's the end, 'And then this happened'.
Ben suggests that Jonah was in an Odd Couple relationship with God. 'They just can't get along' - 'One's a sailor and one's an omnipotent being.'
Ben reflects that there are often weird bits added on to the stories eg with Noah where he steps off the ark, gets drunk and exposes himself to his son. That doesn't get told at Sunday School so much.
Mike wonders if monks were actually writing HBO dramas and hiding them amongst the big-hitting stories. 'It's the original Diamond Harbour!' 'Come and meet the families of Ancient Judea!'
What is the moral of the Jonah story? 'Do as you're bloody told mate.'
'The Bible: Don't push your luck'.
¶ Emails
Email from 'The Local Yorkian Bean' re the Jorvik Viking Centre not giving the Pompidou discount. They work next door at the Van Gogh Immersive Experience and offers a Pompidou discount plus free VR viewing.
The risk is put onto listeners though as the emailer might not have the authority to actually issue this! The Beans appreciate the maverick cashier and want to visit the Van Gogh Experience.
'Anonymous' emails about her Pygmy Hedgehog who developed Wobbly Hedgehog Syndrome (sadly a real thing). She froze the hedgehog after its death and sent her through the post via Special Delivery. She arrived safely (but still dead) and the emailer avoided the wrath of the Postmaster General.
¶ Jingles
39:25 Diamond Harbour
40:10 Ben as David Attenborough and whales announcing the email section
41 mins Email jingle
47:30 Listener Bollocking of the Week
55:35 A Bollock Hero
56:06 Patreon
¶ Bollockings
Matt writes in to give a 'Semi Bollock' to Henry about how stegosauruses were from the Jurassic period (as Henry stated in Time Travel) but that T Rex was from Cretaceous. Henry thinks there should be a Bollock Amnesty for such subjects as Time Travel as even the leading scientists of our age (Robin Ince, Moira Stewart and James Cameron) get things wrong occasionally.
Henry defends himself alphabetically:
a) It's too long ago to be sure
b) Carbon dating doesn't even make sense
c) Dinosaurs feel too far fetched to be real.
Henry is sceptical as the case for dinosaurs was probably made up by dweebs who liked the idea of muscly animals attacking each other. He makes another list to counter Matt's argument:
a) Dinosaurs may not have existed
b) It was ages ago now
c) 'Just chill out, mate'
George (different to Matt, and not from The Giant Peach - a new edition of a Roald Dahl) comes to Henry's defence with an Anticipatory Dinosaur Reflecto Bollock. Henry is grateful and loves the Vigilante Bollock Heroes. Ben writes a jingle.
¶ Notable Quotes
Rebuilding the Armada. One account at a time.
About the iced oat latte, it looked like you’d bought it from a shop that wasn’t Prêt…
What is wrong with me?
I find it so hard to deal with the Prêt subscription that sometimes I just need to try and relax and get out and have a coffee somewhere else that isn’t Prêt and try and gather myself … so I can face the next Prêt.
t does sound like, potentially, some Acid infused evolutionary biology.
Henry: "Imagine a wolf galloping."
Mike: "Or a whale, for that matter."
Henry: "Imagine a whale galloping."
🎶 Imagine a whale, galloping, here he comes, with his hooves like drums. 🎶
It's nonsense. I don't think evolution's real.
And he’s got a lovely three days just to chillax, in a whale’s belly.
You’ve got to make sure you’ve got your anal shaded monocle, so that bit doesn’t get tanned…
By the way, if you are looking for an anti bleach clouded anal monocle, they do sell them in the travel Boots…
A Jellyfish Monorail
He doesn’t Reflecto Bollock God…
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Ben tries a Radio 2 style intro this week.
Henry reports that the Santander bike that he had hired has disappeared from the porch and he risks a £3,000 fine.
The lounge theme is Colonoscopy Roulette, which includes "some bloke called Elis James".
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Dom sends in a 'Generic Rock Version' which pleases Mike a lot