¶ Opening Chat
The first episode. An introduction to The Beans. Ben Partridge gives an introduction to the format of the podcast.
Henry Paker sets expectations for future anecdote quality.
We learn that beans are the opposite of lobsters. The first six topics will come from Gareth; it is explained how this links to Russian Democracy.
¶ Topic Chat
Batman posters. Posters as a form of human connection and signalling identity and then in turn attracting beautiful women on commuter trains. First appearance of the sexy Deutsche Bank executive. Impressions of her include concepts such as “being bored of men with heavy watches" and “intrigued by teenagers with gerbils named after their favourite wizard”.
Elaboration of the teenage commuter train fantasy and origins of this (lack of exposure to girls at school). Henry explains that he was “brutally in love” with his maths teacher and would linger at the end of classes to give her ample opportunity to express her love to him.
Henry and Ben try to guess Mike Wozniak's posters. Ben guesses F15 fighter jet and Henry guesses an Andy Warhol/Enoch Powell private commission. Other guesses include a tattered union jack and a guitar hero (e.g. silhouette of Eric Clapton). Mike agrees that his posters were heavily guitar based. Henry says there was probably a framed handkerchief that had a 30% chance of once belonging to Santana.
Henry says that he once saw a Sanatana tribute band – or was it? The Beans agree that a 200 seat “corn exchange” venue is a safe booking for Santana. He recalls that there was a very old audience (on a communal drip?). The Beans agree that Santana’s look is basically a disguise. The question is “who is Santana anyway?”. Perhaps, like a king, he likes to go amongst the people.
Ben had a huge poster of Paul Whitehouse from the fast show (thumbs up pose “Brilliant!”) and a lord of the rings poster of Liv Tyler that he got free from the cinema. The Beans ponder if this is lacklustre or luck. Henry suggests that the two are from very different universes but somehow balance each other out.
Posters are a phase? Discussion of a Toy Story scenario where they come to life Liv Tyler and Paul Whitehouse are kissing. Jimmy Hendrix and Eric Clapton jamming together is suggested. Mike is very happy. All Henry’s batman posters team up to be The Batmen! At the end, the posters are rolled up and discarded, Liv is shredded, Paul is saying brilliant with a ? and squashed under glass in a frame.
The beans discuss the 'framed print scene' and how it is the adult version of a poster. Ben considers a framed Tate Modern exhibition from the 90s. Henry desires a holiday poster but is only able to find "lovelessly churned out" West Country art. This begins discussion of the ‘Maritime Themed Tat’ industry (worth billions of pounds) including the nautical bathroom scene and shells in the bathroom. The Beans each have a theory about why bathrooms are seaside related (freshness/turd travel agency/sniffer dog scent to guide to a destination).
Mike tells us of a friend he had as a kid who although not allowed to look at porn, had found a loophole by cutting out underwear adverts and sticking them on the wall in significant number.
Ben follows this story with one about someone he knew of whose mum collected Page 3 women from newspapers and kept them in a ring binder.
Henry suggest that this might lead to a fetish for stationery and suggests an inappropriate activity with a laminator. Henry highlights that the ring binder would be useful in terms of exploring the fallacy of the idea that the women were different every week and that hobbies could be cross referenced. Ben introduces the idea of the Page 7 fella which leads to conversation regarding “torso of the week”, which was once Tony Blair.
The Beans discuss why David Cameron isn’t hot and why this is (is cartoon features?) and then move on to the idea of John Major's head on a "shredded" body with "sweet abs" and how this is disturbing in the dichotomus way that Skeletor is a skull on a muscular torso.
The Beans discuss how posters of prime ministers are rare but that David Cameron had a poster of Maggie Thatcher when he was young (allegedly) although The Beans agree that they have never seen one for sale. They also mention that the Royal Family have their images in houses but rarely on posters; usually on "optional ceramics and stamps and money". They note that the Royal Family don't carry money but do carry toilets, then discuss the features and responsibilities of the royal toilet servant; incognito, travelling ahead, owning many allen keys, using octopus technology, shooting non-royals from the ceiling so that Prince Charles can climb over corpses.
Kelly Vivanco Show Art
¶ Emails
- 40:12 - Appeal for emails
Henry: “Dont ruffle feathers”.
Henry shows no concern as birds are not scary.
Mike: “Eagle Owl?”
Ben introduces the rhea as flightless birds to be afraid of, and their relation to Chris Rea. Flightless = driving home for Christmas.
If they escape you need to call the army as you cannot reason with them at all.
Conversation moves to birds with "sexy legs", eyelashes, backwards knees, and a peanut brain filled with primal hate; this is drawn in comparison to bears who understand hugs and have a family unit.
Appeal for emails about rheas or Chris Rea or attacks by either/both.
¶ Jingles
- 6:01 - Opening theme tune
¶ Notable Quotes
- “Have you had a different experience of boiling beans?”
- “You’re the only person I know whose teenage fantasy involves being on a commuter train.”
- "They don’t have a gerbil that they’ve named after their favourite wizard."
- “If 200 pensioners watch a Santana gig, and go home telling their grandchildren that they saw a Santana gig, does it matter?”
- "Oh, you have a poster of Paul Whitehouse! Hmm, we love ze Fast Show! In Deutsche Bank we love it!"
- "Liv Tyler’s gone through the shredder, horrible scene, really really hard to watch."
- "Your turd is about to go through something very traumatic. It’s been shot out of an anus, drowned, and then transported through miles upon miles of dark wet tunnels, into a vast endless ocean."
- "I would’ve loved to see a shredded John Major at the Chilcot Enquiry. Just slipping his shirt up a little bit to show us his sweet abs."
- "The Athena peruser."
- "You open the door to that toilet, and, you see the leatherette toilet seat, and the penny starts to drop, you look up, you see the man stuck to the ceiling.""
- "He would refuse to use a toilet unless he could climb a staircase of corpses to get to it."
- "I think any email that’s like long, is from someone mad, it has to be."
- "Are you reviewing your policy then, that there’s nothing scary you can ruffle, feathers-wise?"
- "All of the tall, flightless birds with sort of weirdly human, slightly sexy looking legs."
- "Have you been attacked by Chris Rea?"