¶ Opening Chat
- Welcome to series 12!
- Mike's video feed has a JJ Abrams-style lens flare. He would be the early kill, perhaps an alarmed leisure angler swallowed by the huge kraken (comes out arse-first) he's caught with a fly. An off-season kraken to avoid the licence. Jason Statham stunt doubles are often accidentally caught in the kraken trawler nets. Most sand is in fact eroded Statham body doubles.
- Ben's big news: the Hyundai i10 lives! Restored as part of a 12-part Channel 4 series with Paul Bettany. Ben makes clear that, although the car had been sitting on the road all this time, no one was shitting in it. Henry wonders if a Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction-style character (HyundIan?) could come and sort it/clean up the turds. He would use Chinese military-grade cleaning products. The local community centre suddenly has 40 kilos of turds and turd bunting (tunting?) ruining their weekly quiz.
- Ben worries about the listeners listening for the first time. Henry would send them back to the first episode to recap, in the same way as he has read the book 'Dune' twice. Ben and Henry are excited to see 'Dune 2'. Mike saw Zendaya on the promo tour in a robosuit with arse windows. Was Chalamet upstaged in his silver trousers (halfway to robot)?
- The Hyundai is fixed, which Henry sees as Ben showing his irrational, sentimental, big softie side. The Saab 9-3 now has its own quirk: can't use the electric windows if the lights are on. It's lights or air. Got to ban night guffs (not very romantic).
- Sometimes the Saab's full beam doesn't come on. Henry's new podcast: Full Beam.
- Henry struggles with remembering some actors' names: Kenneth Branagh, Hugh Bonneville and Gene Hackman. Advert for 'full beam' featuring Henry's technique for remembering actors' names, only £79.99 a month, which also gets you Henry's protein powder made of ground-up beaks (for people tired of informing the council, Chris Packham and Bill Oddie to grind their own beaks). Ben suggests that the mnemonic should be 'Henry Buys Good Hay' for Hugh Bonneville and Gene Hackman but Henry prefers to use visuals. Smell is best but Henry doesn't know what Hugh Bonneville smells like (Peat! Pete Townshend? No, he smells of under-ripe mangoes). His visual mnemonic is to imagine Hugh Bonneville nibbling on a chocolate bar (a Bournville) with Gene Hackman hacking away at the other end of the bar. Branagh can be added in by branding Gene Hackman's arse.
¶ Topic Chat
- enterthebeanmachine.boats – Henry questions the domain name and whether seaworthy vessels for sale would use a .boats domain. Henry 'regrets' that .gov domains are pronounced 'guv' but spelled 'gov'. Is he responsible for them? Has he been seen in the same room as Tim Berners-Lee? Discussion of the 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony and Branagh playing Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Jason Statham playing Queen Elizabeth II/the Clifton Suspension Bridge. The Queen jumping out of a helicopter and the resultant bolognese rain. Announcements over the tannoy warning Olympics patrons not to eat the bolognese rain. Seb Coe will hand out the limoncello and shot glasses (one per person). Duncan Goodhew bald joke is okay for Henry to make but not the others.
- Stonehenge topic – is it a pun on Stone, where Ian the submitter is from?
- Stonehenge exactly equidistant between Mike and Henry. Is the podcast on a ley line?
- Tories building a massive tunnel under Stonehenge to give another lane to the A303. Mike worried about the encampment of protestors who disappeared. Ben suggests that Stonehenge sent them into space using cosmic power: the Henge Rapture.
- Henry goes on the attack about Ben's cynicism because he wasn't listening. Now needs to be put down like a poorly-treated XL Bully, without the 'humanely' clause.
- Henry goes full beam on Stonehenge: hasn't made it to the Seven Wonders of the World or the modern wonders. Is the Big IKEA at Brent Cross a wonder, with the meatball vats being Babylonian in scale? Would you cross the world to see Stonehenge? Ben lives 1.5 hrs from it and always has (anti-restraining order), but never have his eyes lain upon the stones, meaning he is spiritually tethered.
- Mike has driven past 14,000 times but has never stopped for a wander around it. Ben wonders if Mike would have a spiritual epiphany seeing the A303 from Stonehenge.
- US visitors will visit it but UK people don't unless they are into 'Hobbit bullshit' (Ben worries about the emails they'll get) and 'Mordor gubbins', i.e. Paganism/pre-Costaism.
- Some of the stones are from Pembrokeshire in Wales. This doesn't grab Henry (even the extraordinary distance – is it a mystery?). He saw a dead rat the size of a small labrador a couple of months ago – is that a mystery? Was it the King Rat? Henry's window to eat its liver and knit The Mittens of Power from its pelt (to become King Rat himself) had passed.
- Like the opposite of the siren's song, the stones call out 'don't bother stopping'.
- Henry's anecdotes compendium will be called 'Firecracker, with Full Beam's Henry Paker' as he's had so many 'firecracker moments'. In this case, it's that the stone is from Pembrokeshire – the guide should drop that in just as disappointment is crossing the tourists' faces.
- The tours used to have actors playing a druid and a virgin, with the latter's gargled last words being about the Pembrokeshire stone. She's only doing the virgin gig to get her Bronze Duke of Edinburgh/get into a red-brick university/because she is Liz Truss.
- A lot to bear in mind (limitations of the time), much the same as a Dualit toaster today. Henry has an infinitoaster Dualit that doesn't stop toastin' because of a deal with the devil done by the guy at John Lewis. Ben lived with someone who brought home the toaster from a tv chef programme she worked on, used by the likes of Carol Decker from T'Pau. The DNA profile on it means we can create our own Gregg Wallace with the singing pipes of T'Pau (using Wallace's penis DNA).
- What was Stonehenge for? A clock? Putting the clocks back must have been a pain. End of podcast!
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Nick writes about an awkward encounter with someone on their own Beefcake Journey where he used 'The path to beauty is prolapsed hemorrhoids' to a non-beanist and got a new nickname. Henry's Beefcake Journey update: jingle played for the last time as Henry has cancelled his gym membership.
- Joe writes about a previous listener correspondent who wrote about his dad playing Archimedes in the latest Indiana Jones. This confuses Henry, who only heard the nouns (Ben reads it again for Mike's benefit as noun-only and then for Henry as verb-only, finally with just the word 'Archimedes'). Joe's dad acts as a double for Michael Keaton when Michael Keaton can't be bothered to do something. The producer of Tim Burton's 'Dumbo' said everyone was talking about the resemblance. The Three Bean Salad 15%-off actor roster now has (1) someone who can play Archimedes and (2) someone who looks like Michael Keaton.
- Sam references the Patreon ep where Ben talks about his seed-based morning regime to help gut health. This has given Sam chronic diarrhoea (eating the seeds or just the idea of it?).
- Patrick from Cardiff got changed at the Hampstead Men's Swimming Pond next to Ed Miliband and he was incredibly ripped (Ed, not David – Henry has to check).
- James writes to say his friend was in a hot tub with Kofi Annan at a COP climate change summit (a bit on-the-nose, satire-wise).
¶ Jingles
- Chalamet (5:54)
- Bean Machine (14:14)
- Regal Zone (17:45)
- Emails (36:15)
- Beefcake Journey (37:49)
- Patreon (47:14)
¶ Notable Quotes
- I've got a kraken by the arse.
- Did you take it to the Hyundai necromancer?
- Don't ask him where he's going to put those turds.
- This is our new section: it's the Red Carpet Frock Watch!
- Keening for those lost in the Boer War.
- Darling, I want to guff with you under the stars. Not tonight.
- If you insist on guffing at night, I do have some special bags. Guff bags. Guff into the bag, please.
- It's your mindscape.
- I'm not going to buy a boat from anyone called 'boats.boats'.
- It's important if you're parachuting out of a helicopter, not to jump. It's rule number 1.
- If you are covered in a spattering of bolognese rain, please do take the bolognese rain chunks to Westminster Abbey to be interred.
- Maybe there's more to this world than exists in Bonjamin's spreadsheets.
- Have you not heard of Norbert Dentressangle? Chief Druid!
- For just another £4,000, we can upgrade you to the Infinitoaster model.
- I've got Branagh in the hacking position, it makes no sense.
- I'm a one-man Beefhenge.
- Part of the problem is that you're not actually listening, because we've been recording for a while and you've not had any snacks.
- Thought purgatives, from Bonjamin Partridge.
- Eat like a bird, shit like a bird.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Pre SBL chat about Ben and Henry's Film Corner for the Patreon subscribers: 3 episodes so far.
- Raucous 'Throw A Hole-Punch As Far As You Can' competition (22 patrons).
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Nick explains that his version corrects the central tension of the original theme ignored by other listener-submitted themes (something something chord 1). Henry has had that exact thought. A harmonic approach from a hair metal masterpiece (Van Halen style). Thanks to Tommy on guitar and Doug on drums. Long legal battle with the estate of Eddie Van Halen now begins.