¶ Opening Chat
- Ben has been on a field trip to do a battlefield tour of the Battle of Naseby. Discussion of the Wars of the Three Kingdoms (Cromwell in Ireland).
- Ben and his friend Mike (not that one) stayed in a Premier Inn in Rugby because the tour started at 8:45am, which is not Ben's peak, though bakers are already working on the next batch, or conducting affairs with their huge phallic latticed pastry and saucing wives (with apple sauce, special custard, bechamel, creme patissiere).
- Henry feels a stabbing wound every time Ben refers to his other friend Mike (Mike Wozniak being 'my colleague Mike') who is 'a big history Mike'. Henry fixates on the other WhatsApp group, 'Ben and the Fun Mikes'.
- Henry was not aware you had to book the Unlimited (not infinite) Breakfast at Premier Inn. Ben was hoping to tumble into his Saab and straight to Naseby but to make the most of the breakfast, you need to get in early, ideally the night before. Henry describes the egg-shaped gyroscope floating like a sky camera at a football match or Shard cleaner (alas the sausage meat backfired over the Shard, then breadcrumbs were needed to coat it so that all the crows of Europe could enjoy the Scotch Shard). This contraption is also the Maitre D' who welcomes you to the Premier Inn breakfast. Henry imagines metal trays like a prison.
- After breakfast, Ben's excitement about the battle tour meant he did not experience the post-Classic British Meal terrible feeling.
- Tour was led by a former military man in cammo with a beret, waiting outside the village hall. He was formerly in the cavalry, riding the robot horse from the Paris Olympics Opening Ceremony. Other guy was from The Sealed Knot (Ben explains what this is to Mike and Henry). Henry worries that Ben will be lost to this world and Ben admits he could choose that path. The Sealed Knot = biggest land army in Britain. Are you a Roundhead or a Royalist? Cavaliers had more fun, fabulous parties (unlike a Star Wars stormtrooper) like in the Jabba the Hut bordello scene (full alien brothel: 15-boobed hog beast and eyes that pop out and devour you). Do you start as a grunt in The Sealed Knot even if you really look like Charles I? Different dweeb scenes: Star Wars and history nerds, would overlap in alien brothels.
- Enjoyable banter between ex-military guy (royalist) and Sealed Knot guy (on Cromwell's side), break for ginger beer and 2-finger Kit-Kat. Horse turned up but it was not a jumentous occasion.
- A battle can turn on one guy being a bit of a bellend. In addition to King Charles, there was Prince Rupert of the Rhine (Bonjamin's ancestry) was a dashing, Lord Flashheart type with military brilliance. Also Lord Astley (Never gonna give up ground) and Marmaduke Langdale (great on a night out). The King is at the back, encased in a prawn vol-au-vent on horseback. Lord Digby prevented PRofR from getting the ear of the king (Henry compares this with walking down the street with two other people). Henry assures us the course of history was changed because of the above in a very specific way... mumble... mumble... Sunak hounded from office.
¶ Topic Chat
- None of the Beans have been to the pyramids in Egypt but there are others, because of the aliens, and not just max-sized Toblerones. Henry has been to Mexico to see the staircase-system pyramids, the ones that a head could bounce down from a beheading at the top. Mike likes the idea of them being completely shrouded in jungle and monkeys but now they're shrouded in McDonald's.
- On holiday, lunch is more important than any sight you've gone to see (apart from breakfast and dinner).
- Henry visited Sigiriya in Sri Lanka, incredible Indiana Jones-type stuff but despite trying to experience how amazing it is, he thought only of crispy chicken and his footwear choice. Ben has this but he's also listening to the Guardian Weekly Football podcast (was Napoleon's invasion of Russia a ten Hag move?); while walking around the Jardin de Tuileries it was The Rest is Politics (how would Rory Stewart pronounce Tuileries?). Mike is pleased to hear this as when you are on holiday with small children, you may be jealous of the young bachelor able to take it in, whereas it's actually just bowels, bladder, hunger... will I get myself a little ice cream? Has Rory Stewart ever had ice cream (issa crammay with a chocolatta flahkey and rassperry sawse)?
- A photo of the pyramids is a mad choice, unless you're pressing the top like a button (top holiday photo along with holding up Pisa, Eiffel Tower penis, bummed by the Sphinx, birthing the Acropolis, shitting out the Golden Gate Bridge).
- Ben loves the Egyptian section of a museum and is offended when Henry gives the backhanded compliment that he'd look good in a sarcophagus (with viscera in a jar). Mike and Henry would be the keepers of the eternal flame who must remain chaste til death. Ben and the other Mikes would be off up the River Styx while Henry and Mike are stuck in the mortal realm. Henry realises he has the wrong mythology (Greek not Egyptian) before they get the bollocks. Originally it was a case of paying the ferryman on the Styx but now they have the tunnel and doesn't take cash post-covid. Prepaid QR code rather than silver coins. Cerberus does have three anuses as well as three heads, but only one digestive tract.
- Ben describes the entry into the afterlife and Henry dares to question whether it was all made up, and is cursed with a fanged flying goat. Henry thinks humanism never caught on as a religion as it's too vague. Nothing about what the statues are like.
- If you don't have a good heart, you're devoured by the godess Ammit (forequarters (not four quarters) of a lion, hindquarters of a hippo) with her dump-truck ass, the very definition of 21st-century beauty standards (hairy forearms and hippopotabooty). Head of a crocodile. Are they phoning it in?
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Plug for Bath live show. The Beans are playing the Komedia (built by Jane Austen) in March 2025 as part of the Curious Minds festival with all the proper journalists, thinkers and historians. Have they made a mistake?
- Tom emails about the radio ad jingles for 'Riders' and 'Quinn's' which Henry has half forgotten already. Tom remembers Capricorn Blinds in Birmingham. Henry thinks any business can be called Capricorn (footwear, insurance, dentistry). Tom recites the blurb which Mike realises should be said/sung like an marines yomp and Henry realises the end line about curtains is telling people about alternatives to blinds, the one thing you shouldn't do. Henry remembers a McDonald's ad with a catchy tune (two/to old/all beef patties) that Ben and Mike don't think is catchy at all, nor do they remember it.
- Leanna from Kalamazoo emails about the chain Menards in the USA and its radio ad (Henry again riffs the spoken bit over the top: 'Great deals on concrete, wood, horses and wood' which the chain could use to decide on their stock).
- Ben asks if Henry and Mike have seen the British Pork advert from the 80s and plays it for them. Henry wonders if there is a subtext (there isn't). Britain was a sinister place in the 80s.
¶ Jingles
- Jumentous (15:22)
- Regal Zone (16:46)
- Bean Machine (23:29)
- Emails (41:35)
- Listener Bollocking of the Week (47:05)
- Bollock Back (49:46)
- Patreon (57:19)
¶ Bollockings
- Oliver had to issue an immediate bollocking while pausing the pod re the 'Riders' ad. The lyrics mention Bridgewater, not in South Wales. Ben has found the old ad's music online and plays it (a newer version, not so soft rock) with Henry riffing the spoken bits and it does say 'Bridgewater' but there used to be a branch in Cardiff. Is this a score draw? Or a bollock back? Henry is baffled by a motorbike-only business despite having a Lego town as a kid that had one house, a police station and a motorbike shop (Mike likes those ratios).
- Last week, Ben wasn't sure if there was a centre to the Galaxy, and Henry was wrong in a different way, but Ben drew the bollocking fire. Loads of emails, but this one from Vin points out that Henry correctly identified (by Brownian motion) that it's orbs orbitting bigger orbs all the way up. Sagittarius A* (supermassive black hole at the centre of our Galaxy) might keep Henry awake at night IF he understood it. Instead he will imagine companies with Sagittarius in their names.
¶ Notable Quotes
- Eat this without licking your lips.
- By the way, who is this dick? I'm angry now!
- It's a fully nozzle-based system.
- He wasn't wearing village hall cammmo.
- Not everyone can like all Mikes, can they Mike?
- All the ladies love Prince Rupert of the Rhine.
- Liz Truss was born that day, on the battlefield.
- Think of it as a much more harrowing slinky.
- Do you know what would suit you, Ben? A sarcophagus.
- What's the decor? Are there skirting boards? Is it wired? Is it plumbed?
- Baby's looking thicc.
- You're making me have an evil soul. Look at that ass!
- My heart was purer before I saw that sweet sweet hippobooty.
- One weird little magical child in North London would remember it for the rest of his life.
- Plenty of pork for me. Plenty for Fred.
- My wife, she's got what it takes, but she does not have a line in this ad.
- Are the Falklands ours or aren't they?
- She'll turn Apple into sauce. She's got what it takes.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Apple store fuckery announcement to do with signing up (use a browser). Three Beans vs. Apple.
- Plug for forthcoming Film Corner on Hundreds of Beavers and Top Gun: Maverick.
- Create Effigies of Your Favourite Schoolteachers Using Salmon Mousse Night (40 patrons).
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Jessica from Encounter Bay, South Australia (née Canberra) recently discovered an old Casio Tonebank keyboard CA301 but had no reliable way to record it. Decided to record it without being able to hear it.