¶ Opening Chat
- Mike's opium habit – Oramorph bottle shaking sound – oral morphine strictly below the counter. A medicine from the Silk Wars era.
- The dosing spoon doesn't cut the mustard so Mike has a syringe. Spoon really for gloopy medicine like Calpol and Lactulose / syringe for non-lossy dosing.
- Heroin is illegal (that's the important part) and may also be called smack, horse, scazz, Mrs Bitumen's Fun Cream or Aunty Herbert's Whoopsies.
- Bluebell had to be given medicine by syringe, with loving hands holding her down; much like Mike, her medicine would go in her fur or on the floor to be licked up, with caregivers asking if the patient (Bluebell/Mike) is still shitting in the bath and being entered for shows.
- Henry is interested in the nozzle end of the syringe (no needle) and Mike reassures him he is in control of the situation.
- Mike smashed his ribs up, but not in an argument about an Egg barbecue set. A coincidence because the story starts with the missing tortoise next door, called Egg. Which emergency service should be called? The RAC?
- Mike's tortoiseshell glasses, cereal bowl and tortoisehead door knocker were hiding in plain sight.
- Henry calls Mike Matt. Both big hitters in the M-starting name world.
- Egg had his pre-hibernation ablutions, like a spa treatment. Recently learned to climb. Henry doesn't believe it. Is this just a Rashomon-style account no. 1? Henry thinks Egg might be a vampire tortoise because of the wall climbing scene in Dracula.
- Henry is into true crime podcasts at the moment and Mike's story also has no satisfactory ending.
- Is Egg hiding, working as an enforcer in Bosnia or making the most of feeling sexy after his spa treatment? Perhaps this is only in spring, when you see the tortoises gamboling and wearing sexy bonnets, high heels and tight chinos (the key to successful lovemaking).
- Classic mission creep: Mike decides to lop the top off a bay tree with an extendable phallic hedge trimmer and a blundering approach to ladder use. Finding Egg is a delicate thing but Mike, like the baddies in Avatar, blunders in with his cocksaw. Did Egg push over the ladder?
- Mike fell and landed on a brick, not the tortoise. He smashfucked himself. His ribs opened like the jaws of a Hungry Hungry Hippo. Confusion over which organ was punctured, if any (not any, cos Mike didn't die in the night). Is the spleen a Medieval mistake by Gerald of Monmouth? Is it too big to collapse, like HSBC?
- Henry can picture a pancreas by picturing St Pancras station and working back. He can't picture a spleen despite being paid to draw them in books (Cedric the Spleen, as a Medieval ironmonger).
- Provincial dad injuries always involve a 48-hr wait before seeking medical help ("it'll be fine, darling").
- Mike was bled from the back and now has to eat a bishop's turd from his mitre every Thursday.
- Did Mike see life highlights when he fell from the ladder? Henry wasn't in the slideshow (if it was a 9-ft ladder he would have been) and he's heard from David Cameron that he's not interested in investing in the film of Mike's incident (not uplifting). Ex-Tories are all rejecting the investment opportunity ("Kwarteng is out.").
- Could a fox find Egg and poke him out of his shell? An urban fox would use bangers in the leg/arm-holes.
- Henry wonders if Egg will be found in the spring, at Easter (Egg) during an Egg Hunt.
- Ben found a lost dog during a countryside walk this week. We learn that a lady gave a lost dog to a farmer ("he'll sausage it before you know it, it's his instincts") and later Ben met the man who had lost both that dog and his wife. Ben took control of the situation, feeling good about himself and doorknocking around, but we don't hear how the story ended because Henry is amused by the part where a man couldn't help because some medicine needed to be given to his hedgehogs. This just reinforces Henry's view of the world beyond Zone 5.
- (27:04) Egg song/midsong editing phone call between Ben and Mike regarding the names Bob and Ruth (Mike's neighbours?). Nigel Havers starts the guitar solo but ultimately isn't needed. Mike stifles Ben's creativity by naying the song that has been run up the jingle flagpole.
- Merch announcement: threebeansaladshop.com has new T-shirts and a new jigsaw that will not end marriages nor cause service station murders. Henry is now off the FBI's Most Wanted list and El Chapo is back on. The new jigsaw respects whodunnit rules: the first person who was interviewed dunnit, or the most famous (James Nesbit) not Stuart Winchester, the 'look him up on the IMDB' equivalent to the old jigsaw. Henry doesn't play by the rules; he comes to meetings late but still orders the pastries (Carol doesn't ask questions). Henry seems to be seducing Carol but it's very confusing and needs its own sexual politics rulebook. Free postage plug. Henry narrows the market by plugging the new Beefcake Journey vest as being for gym buddies (no, it's for everyone!).
¶ Topic Chat
- Is Holland to the Netherlands as England is to the UK?
- Ben knows Frisia cos of friesians which Henry does not know are cows. Massive udders, bred into a corner.
- Is the power of the Netherlands all in irrigation?
- Any negative idiom in Europe mentions Britain.
- Henry and Ben are not sure of the history but Mike remembers the royal connection through William of Orange and then caveats that he knows nothing. Henry = slightly charming ignorant pig.
- Art from the Netherlands = austere, wood panelling, jugs that express all the sensuality in a painting. The 1980s porn mag was put on a top shelf because often the jugs were on a top shelf in a Vermeer. Versus a papal interior = filled with paintings of babies with wings.
- Amsterdam changes as you go through life; you move further away from the station. Ben first went as a young teen on a family holiday vs Henry went on lads holidays in his 20s.
- Any area near a station in Europe is grotty and seedy. Ben stayed in a seedy part of Frankfurt that resulted in him Googling "Can you passively smoke crack?".
- Stations are the ports of the land: drugs, dockside deals, culture ferments, new life can grow, e.g. in Euston (has a mezzanine Leon and a decent WH Smith).
- FEBO in Amsterdam = an 80s vision of the future of food. Variations on breadcrumbed cheese balls. A progenitor of Scraegg. A series of shelves.
- The Mid Countries = Henry's feeling about the middle of Europe, e.g. Phlegmmark. Their palate is similar to the UK: ham/cheese/sausage.
- Middle Europe stereotype is efficient trains but awful telly: a guy dressed as a badger shitting on a policeman's hat while someone plays a banjo. They're obsessed with a random section of an episode of Coronation Street from 1987. They listen to Depeche Mode.
- Ben's holiday coincided with 'Life' by Des'ree being massive. As massive as gorgeous boys Wet Wet Wet with their longtime No. 1 hit (the Beans sing a weird nasal 'Goodnight Girl' but mean 'Love Is All Around'). The lyrics of 'Life' are the worst ever – everyone is always thinking about having toast but you don't put it in a song.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Henry (not that one) emails with a story inspired by the episode haircuts, where Henry Paker cycles over a rat in Finsbury Park. The boating lake in that park once froze and killed a swan, which emailer Henry witnessed with a rat bursting from its chest. Henry P, up until that point, had imagined the frozen swan as a centrepiece at a wedding. This reminds Henry of seeing a dead rat in the Thames with a huge intestinal bubble, inspiring artists and writers (e.g. an episode of Eastenders). Ben asks for other horrifying rat stories to beat the rat bursting out, like a grotesque advent calendar.
- Graeme/Graham emails about the door-to-door fish salesmen of the budgetairlines episode. Mike's sister was 'got' by a salesman who matched Henry's description from that ep precisely. She bought the fish, being a soft target. Was it a mass hallucination? Graeme/Graham's girlfriend (now wife) filled 3 freezer drawers while he was at work with fish from a seller. This was in Bristol but has Rick Stein got the West Country sewn up? At least it is real fish and not cheap ham shaped into fish (not a bad idea, which should be edited out so Henry can set up meetings with the Beckhams and Bernard Matthews, and tie-ins with Messi wearing a ham-fish shirt).
- Several emails about Geordie fish men, e.g. one from Spanna (sp?), a new mum fleeced in Sheffield by a seller who kept saying '80-80-80' (Geordie maths). One from Hannah, whose friend bought an industrial-size polythene box because he 'got such a great deal, love', even though they don't like fish. Jamie from Coldingham's wife's mother Maureen, 15 years ago, spent £250 on cod, mackerel and haddock. Graham/Graeme from Buckinghamshire was working from home and in between calls someone at the door convinced him to buy a box of fish steaks and a £60 bag of scallops. They aren't just targeting mums. Ben is interested to find out if £250 can be beaten by any listener.
¶ Jingles
- 3:24 – Bluebell (fade out after "furry star")
- 5:15 – Provincial Dad Chat
- 36:34 – Bean Machine
- 52:46 – Emails
- 55:42 – London
- 59:05 – Crab Bell
- 1:04:48 – Patreon
¶ Notable Quotes
- Half of your sweet stuff will be down your trousers before you know it.
- Well, often we talk at cross-purposes; that's part of the podcast.
- I was losing my precious sweet stuff down my chinos.
- When you're that close, it doesn't matter if you know what someone's name is.
- I've never seen a tortoise climbing up a wall.
- If you're going to find Egg ... become Egg.
- Oh, his spleen must be hard. Bleed his eyes!
- I can just borrow a spleen from Gerald, can't I?
- A series of mishaps involving tortoises, dogs, hedgehogs, and wives.
- There's not even a sniff of assonance with the name Ruth.
- You've Britain-ed all over the sheets again!
- A dead rat floating along in its own intestinal balloon.
- I've got 80-80-80 on cods.
- Hello, my name's Henry and yesterday I bought four tonnes of sardines.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Use Up All The Stuff At The Back Of Your Cupboards Mystery Pie Competition (29 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- A call for listeners to send their tunes in if they weren't ever played (crack slippage).
- This one is Ed's theme sans guitars (synthy).