Plug for Ben's film showing in Cardiff of 'Daddy Superior', along with the films, 'Sump', 'Neckface' and 'Aargh!'
¶ Opening Chat
Henry wants a BP Kazakhstan anecdote but did Ben take out Anecdote Insurance? He had but it had already been vetoed by his Frozen Horseshit and Frozen Man anecdotes told previously. As well as the one involving the Near Fatal Down Coat.
Ben now tells a data-heavy anecdote: on the flight, he had watched The Apprentice and Kramer vs Kramer. (Mike would have demanded Marley and Me and would have bought all of the merch too.)
Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep are starring on a 70s Air Astana plane taking VHS videotapes.
Sometimes Ben's best option is to disguise himself as an oozie and be smuggled over borders. He doesn't get great views then though.
Ben could have watched any of ten films from a Hoffman package. It will be Zellweger next month in the curated film choices so it's worth flying to Kazakhstan just to watch Bridget Jones 2 and Cold Mountain.
He could also have watched Kazak TV showing 'Billions' starring Paul Giamatti, or the CEO of Air Astana giving prizes to children.
Advice from the Beans to go to a reputable website to get Anecdote Insurance. Tesco and Direct Line have good packages or go for the Grisham or the Matthew McConaughey package. Avoid the Stoppard one as it is enriching but wilfully impenetrable.
Kramer vs Kramer has fantastic preppy clothing. Derek Guy would screengrab the outfits. Hoffman nails Casual Wear just like Henry in his blue, beautifully cut tshirt. He banters side saddle like a Southern Belle who has three suitors, one in oil, one in ranches, one in duck-hunting - and all you have is an idea for a salad dressing - mustard and cranberry. But these ingredients don't mix. Kerrigan's cranberry failed for that reason.
The Beans had actually tried to bring their own-brand mustard to the market as merch, but there was a Mustard Avalanche after Brexit. Ben had approached a white-label mustard company to provide 'Uncle Barry's Homemade Traditional Mustard Sauce.' But it had failed on two counts: Uncles and anyone called Barry.
Ben's correspondance with Carole, who wants to move swiftly, gets Henry all hot and bothered. 'Time is money is mustard.' E-mustard is the future of condiments but is hard to attach to an email. Henry feels the subject is like a Mills and Boon with titles such as: Pumpkin Pie Curd, Quince Jelly with Rose Petals, Spicy Caribbean Chutney (Banana).
Ben had never felt more like an Apprentice candidate but Three Bean Salad would have had to have registered with the council as a food business, and be personally responsible if customers shat themselves to death.
¶ Topic Chat
Matt from Chester upon Bremen suggests 'Gardening'.
Henry doesn't have a garden except for the fungal gardens on his feet, which currently have beavers being introduced on them.
Beavers have been released in Dorset, UK - or was it Soho and Pimlico in order to dam and reroute traffic in order to save Belgravia?
Ben wonders if animals all just do the things they are meant to do. Pam mainly chills. Do mice? Does Ben? What if Chris Packham and Kate Humble put him in a burlap sack and released him in Edinburgh - would he immediately begin podcasting?
Are animals less stressed and more successful at what they do because they only do the thing they do? Like Mick Jagger.
Mike tells the tale of the Frog and the Scorpion. Henry misses the point entirely by pointing out that frogs can swim. Even a goatherd from 4000 years ago could have understood the story, whose moral is: Bastards be bastards and beavers gonna beave.
It is not in Mike's nature to garden. Henry thinks it is meant to be good for your mental health but maybe that is because you are having an affair with an aristocrat. It's also good because you tune into nature's cycles: Spring - bees/ Summer - bees/ Autumn - bees/ Winter - beavers.
Ben's partner made a bulbsagne. Ben used to watch TV gardening shows like Ground Force with Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock. He also saw a show where Tommy Walsh couldn't understand why he wasn't losing weight until the presenter pointed out he was drinking a pint of Baileys a night.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
37:40 Laura's Swedish jingle provokes some Bean nordic impressions. Henry learnt how to say the phrase, 'You don't have to tie the laces up' in Danish as had used it to sell self-tying shoelaces.
Email from Katie in the USA: How did Mike's Christmas meal go?
He had been far too chilled out about the whole affair and his family had found him on Christmas morning googling the derivation of the word 'Gravy.' His sous-chef took over and his mother, blinded by love, didn't realise he hadn't cooked it himself.
Ben reads out where the word gravy comes from - either the Middle English meaning the sediment of melted tallow, or the French for 'stew'.
Mike feels he had been a toddler king in relation to the whole event.
Long email from Rachel in Cork about a tortoise falling from the sky. Her dad felt that they should return the tortoise to the sea and released it on the beach, only to get back to find their neighbours hunting for their pet tortoise. The tale had a happy ending in that the tortoise was returned to its rightful owners on dry land.
51: 40 PAM SIGHTING!!
Email from Jules who still hitches trousers to avoid knee bags (in relation to the talk about Wogan and guests.)
Ben may now also adopt the habit.
Emails about Rumpkins.
Henry did eventually find the tiny nut he needed.
Richard from Ipswich emailed about Martin and Newby on Fore Street which had the world's fifth longest working lightbulb, which sadly stopped working in 2001, and was in the men's toilets.
Martin's local Rumpkins had a box in there which said, 'Hollands Special Pie Fat - for Manufacturing Purposes Only.' It was in a canister with only one wheel.
Pete from Perth, Australia grew up in Arley Kings, Worcestershire and writes in about the Rumpkins there called Afgreys, where the man who ran it was rumored to be a chicken-fucker. But he would never judge someone for buying a tiny nut.
¶ Jingles
22:08 Kerrigan's Time
22:57 Bean Machine
31:50 Lewd Content Warning
37:40 Email jingle from Laura in Sweden
51:40 Pam!
1:00:40 Patreon
¶ Notable OPENING
It’s the breadcrumbs that we scatter so adeptly, don’t we?
They’re trying to read the breadcrumbs, aren’t they?
Anecdote Insurance?
You only have to man the gun turret for 20% of the journey.
Mike: “It’s either that or being smuggled over a mountain pass, isn’t it?”
Ben: “On camel back.”
You don’t have to load yourself, do you?
We don’t know much about gun anatomy…I think if you’re looking through the silencer you’re in deep shit.
Totally take away-able by eagles.
Henry: “Tesco's are offering two weeks Anecdote Insurance for £19.87.”
Mike: “They’ve got quite a good anecdote exchange rate, as well.”
They’ve got a very good paragliding and jetski disaster anecdote package as well and you can also get non-fatal banana boat anecdote.
And it ends with you having to garrotte an omelette chef to death.
I banter in a sort of side saddle.
It’s like you’re on a third date with a Southern Belle.
It looks like every sentence is going to end with the words, 'Chase me”, is what it looks like.
“But what has Daddy got to say about it, is the big question, isn’t it?”
“I’m not sure that Daddy’s gonna like mustard and cranberry! And he’s so busy with the gubernatorial elections at the moment! I don’t think we should tell him!”
Mike: “It’ll wreak havoc with his reflux! Oh, Daddy!”
Ben: “Oh, Daddy!”
It’s first principle stuff guys, come on!
“And that’s why Kerrigan’s Cranberry failed.”
Well, post-Brexit every man and his dog was trying to start their own mustard, weren’t they?
“When people think mustard, they think, Uncle Barry!”
Uncles are inherently untrustworthy
Time is money is mustard, yeah?
Was she offering to email you a sample?
Are we talking about 3D mustard printing?
It’s the future of mustard!
We’re talking eMustard.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
Fill A Massive Inflatable Queen Victoria With Minestrone Soup
¶ Listener Theme Tune
Ollie sends in a Classic Hollywood Orchestral Style as performed by the Bremen International Festival Symphony Orchestra of Bremen. Ideally to accompany Indiana Jones and some crabs and cassowaries fighting with Nigel Havers.