¶ Opening Chat
The Beans open with a welcoming acapella ditty - which means most listeners will have left and the Beans can then plan their heist from Asda carpark, to steal some capons. What is a capon? A chicken that is a bit bigger than a normal chicken. That has been castrated. Ben might get hench that way too.
Ben shares his sideburn journey. At aged 18 he was full Noddy Holder. Mike, however, was late pubertially.
Ben was going for a Gladstone vibe, or Darling Buds of May character. How did the mutton chops fit into the whole Bonjomin aesthetic? He was offering pigeons and prison scrumpy to friends, made from the insides of McDonalds apple pies. Drink that and you'll think you are Brunel.
Henry imagines a scenario where they had both been to a Student Union debate and that Bonjamin had been impressed by him. Ben would have been wearing a low status duffle coat. Mike seemingly gets confused about what a duffle coat is and needs to calm the heck down. He thinks it is pervo, possibly like Paddington.
Whereas Henry favours the polar opposite which is the actual perv coat: the trench. 'I operate in the dark spaces of society. Or I am Inspector Gadget.'
Mike was wearing pseudo-leather jacket but didn't have the budget for the authentic Indiana Jones.
As a teenager, Ben also wore baggy jeans but avoided being a full loser by not wearing a waistcoat. Henry would have seen him as a conundrum he couldn't have been bothered to solve.
He would also probably have worn Converse shoes and carried a leather satchel and MP3 player. Mike gets confused and think he meant a minidisc player.
Henry points out that the midlife crisis reaching for a leather jacket to recapture your youth doesn't add up as not many teenagers could have afforded a leather jacket.
Ben has a master thesis about sideburns - 'Mutton chop sideburns never look good on anyone and no-one should have them.'
Henry thinks there is a difficult choice to be made in the barbers shop as, if you have a square cut sideburn, it sends out the message that you are square. What to do with the flat, hairy oblong on your face? How long should it go in a Tetris move?
Ben has wonky ears and no spirit level so what is a barber to do without a true horizontal? They will develop Topiarist's Elbow. So Ben just does them himself at home.
'We all develop an uneasy truce with our own face.'
Plug for the Tour Show - with the first show in London being tonight, September 10th 2025, at the Queen Elizabeth Hall where the Beans are excited about the incredible acoustics. Henry feels he might bring his flute as some of the great flautists have played there. Including James Galway, silver-fluted flautists, and the magnesium flautist who died during his first performance when his head exploded.
¶ Topic Chat
Henry launches into an Australian accent but hasn't been to Australia - except Earl's Court! (A London joke). Henry lived in Baron's Court, the Earl's Court of Earl's Court.
Ben hasn't been to Australia either but Mike has been to Adelaide and Perth. He did a comedy show in Adelaide but was missed off all the posters, a recipient of the Australian Cold Shoulder. He was treated like a croc and ended up staying in a youth hostel. Mike feels South Australia is a strange place as it was full of pre-cons. All the festivals happen at the same time in Adelaide, giving it a month-long stag-do vibe, into which a young Mike Wozniak was thrust.
There was some visa trouble as they didn't believe that he wouldn't want to stay there forever, and guessed he was smuggling bushmeat.
Most Australians he met were very nice, and handsome too.
Neighbours gave a glimpse of Australian society in the suburbs - which we in the UK loved, but which could have been in Surbiton. But cheerful and more tanned.
Henry loved Neighbours for hearing his name pronounced Hinry. And seeing Guy Pearce, who wasn't Harold Bishop. Daphne was the Character-in-a-Coma trope. Finn was also in a coma and woke with amnesia and sought revenge - but for what?!
Over 50% of the plot is there just to work around actors' schedules which are full of pantomimes and washing ads.
Storylines always involved orange juice which was liberally drunk in quantities that UK parents never allowed.
The character Shane once went to his room to look for something and Never Came Back. His orange juice completely solidified after 17 years.
An explainer as to what Neighbours is: 'Imagine that War and Peace was cut into 25 minute chunks and you watch it every day. And instead of samovars of tea, they just drank orange juice.'
In the 70s, dinner parties had glasses of orange juice as a starter. Along with grapefruits - which are an attack on the face from the inside. OJ is a form of soft glass which leaves a film on the inside of your head.
Mike and his sister were fed OJ propaganda about getting the squits.
Ben is in Scotland and had a full Scottish breakfast yesterday and enjoyed a half time orange on his plate at the end. He has another tip, specifically for Christmas, and that is to have a Pomelo. It comes in a polystyrene casing, having travelled from the Patagonian lowlands.
Henry would feel like a knob asking for a pomelo. Especially if he grabbed one in front of Sophie Ellis Bextor, who may have named one of her children after the fruit.
Henry reflects that there are so many fruits out there that we can hardly imagine - many of which taste of banana and grapefruit. Why have some risen to the top though? Apple will always beat lychee. Ben thinks watermelon is B tier, a one-off summer vibes fruit. Mike disagrees.
Henry thinks lychee and kiwi should both look to themselves.
Ben feels allergic to gooey fruit but forgets that and has another one, then swells up.
Henry watched a guy online talk about a Brian Fruit which, again, tasted like bananas.
Ben, when in Brazil, ate The Wild Crape Myrtle.
Which are the Beans' favourite fruits?
Mike: Watermelon (over his freedom from death by being dashed on the rocks by three interns on a training execution. One graduate did Geography at Warwick, one did Land Economy at Cardiff, and one did Art History also at Warwick, but didn't know the other graduate).
Ben: Nectarine
Henry: Cantaloupe Melon (the jazz choice). He had had one in France this year, which is such a middle class answer. But when he tries them in the UK it is like eating a ream of paper that a badger's pissed on.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
Olly from Leeds shares a Provincial Dad chat anecdote about the Pride March in Brighton. He saw the colourful flags and then talked with his partner about what the word was for the study of flags - a word Mike knows: Vexillology. Henry makes a joke and feels that he could make some West End shows more funny - including Les Mis and Blood Brothers. He still hasn't seen Les Mis so didn't get Ben's joke about 'Can You Hear the People Laugh?'
Olly had been thinking of a different word to do with flags being used for signalling but couldn't remember it, when a middle aged man dressed in hiking gear turned to him and said, 'Semaphore! That is the word you are looking for.'
Was he a hero or a bit of a knob?
Henry has had a similar situation where you want to help someone but it reveals you have been eavesdropping.
Ben did it where he told a woman to get off the train and get another one.
Henry had a Spanish family ask him about directinos in London and he felt the pressure to become the head of their family and their ham dynasty. He panicked so much he messed it up.
It is hard to know the exact situation that Olly was on but perhaps he was in the boring, Provincial Dad section of Pride where the float comes through the day after and has people analysing maps on it.
Mike reveals that the show he is writing has a character who likes flags.
Henry and Ben then test Mike on the names for stamp collectors, butterly collectors and bellringers.
The Sexy Cartoon Animals rear their lovely heads again. It had begun by Mike's admitting his crush on the Queen in Dogtanian. Amanda emails in to say that she too had a Dogtanian-based crush - Aramis. Mike sees him as the Mathew Baynton of his day. Mike would have prefered Porthos, at the more Bear end of things.
Henry remembers the Cadbury's Caramel Rabbit - voiced by Miriam Margoles.
For Ben, it was onviously Shrek.
There's someone for everyone.
Alison writes in to say how her 6 year old learnt a new word today. He had made a TV remote holder out of Klix and then accidentally dropped it and it smashed.
Alison shouted, 'Ben, you have totally smashfucked the remote!'
¶ Jingles
23.12 Bean Machine
48:44 Email Jingle
59:30 Patreon
1:04:20 The Old Switcheroo
1:05:51 Listener Theme Tune
1:10:26 Bluebell
¶ Notable Quotes
Mike: “Okay, that's got rid of most of them...”
Ben: “Let's talk about the details of the heist...”
Let’s steal some capons!
I was late, pubertally.
And I've got some scrumpy warming on my radiator.
“I commend to the House that we should allow ostriches to copulate with pandas!”
I wasn't giving Big Dick Energy, let's put it that way.
I'm gonna talk to Ben, you Google duffle.
Can everyone just calm the heck down!
Henry: "Have you SEEN Paddington?"
Mike : "YES! Have you SEEN it?"
Ben: “Please Mike. I’m a loser but I’m not THAT loser.”
Masterthesis?
Please do not use my ears as a guide for the horizontal. Please.
We all develop an uneasy truce with our own face, don't we?
Hair is a language, and I’ve got a very small vocabulary!
Henry does mean that, even if it doesn’t sound like it.
So it's gonna have to be crackers for breakfast!
Mike I was young, I was in my MID THIRTIES!
I've got another citrus tip!
“Pomelo, your spine! Think of your spine!”
Over 100% of them are disgusting in my experience.
As opposed to the domsticated crapemyrtle.
Can you hear the people...LAUGH?
Can somebody strangle me to death with one of those...you know those licorice strings...
Her son was an Android?!
From EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE pause ...Emily
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
The Corduroy Hat Swap Shop
¶ Listener Theme Tune
EEE....Emily listens to the pod while sewing and makes a Switcheroo!
She uses her boyfriend saying 'You're so full of beans' along with her duck whistle to make a theme tune which reduces the Beans to tears of laughter.
'The conductor was Andrew Rattle with the BBC Symphony Orchestra. And the goose was Caspian de Fronge'.
1:06:40 Henry imparts the very sad news that Bluebell, his beloved British Shorthair cat, passed away a while back. She was 12 years old and led a very happy life. He learnt the truth of the saying how, when you welcome a pet into your life, you are booking in heartbreak, and that's the deal. He pictures her sitting on his lap - and honour she didn't bestow on anyone else - and she would purr and Henry would mentally purr.
Then she would run off and leave him with hairy trousers. He is hopeful that Bluebell will now be able to live on in podcast form.
(The Bean community later gave donations in her memory to The Battersea Dogs and Cats Home - raising over £4000.)