¶ Opening Chat
- The Beans would normally go 'airplane mode' for records, but Ben has to keep his phone on for alerts from the garage about his Hyundai's 17th MOT.
- Turning off a phone on a plane or in a petrol station forecourt is deeply ingrained but is it strictly necessary in these days of paying at the pump by phone? Having a firework display is probably not advisable, unless you can hide from the security cameras. It's a pyrrhic victory giving that "Fuck you!" to the system though, because you've blown up your car.
- Henry is confused by how petrol gets to petrol stations if you need petrol to get to a petrol station. Only he would worry about this and it's a heavy burden. His knowledge of them comes from American films, so he always expects a guy to pop up asking "How much would you like, mister?" before the heist begins.
- Is a forecourt the same as a food court, the High Court, a tennis court, the court of Edward VI, or the court of public opinion? You just put it "fore" some bottles of AdBlue, screen wash, and the best hot dog in the world (from Henry's former local garage). Is it legal to call something the best x in the world?
- Ben used to end up in Victoria bus station frequently, after getting the bus from Cardiff to London. It is not in a useful area, though it has fancy buildings, and a wall that smells of human piss. Some small-town boys just can't handle London.
- London's high standards mean the first sign one sees upon exiting Victoria coach station reads "Please do not defecate here." On the walk between the coach station arrivals and departures, one might see fibreglass prawns, crowds thronging hither and thither, a fringe theatre show, people with TB and whatever's coming next (such as an inside-out sandwich).
- Around here is also a shit-looking cafe with a sign reading "Try our world famous fish and chips!". How has anyone ended up there? Have they just given up during the short walk to Hamilton? Is it because of the teeming nature, the sheer scale of London? Is 'world famous' taken as gospel because of our watertight legal system? Has it come down through the legislature of old, from the porcine assizes?
- So much life is teeming that a crap business can thrive through sheer Brownian motion. A business selling wet chips can do well in London but Cathy's Ceramic Chickens in Exeter might fail, despite Cathy giving up everything for those chickens, and Mike dressing as a ceramic chicken for the launch parade. Unfortunately, he passed out while thinking about why people don't generally wear ceramic clothes, and is glad to now be able to share this thought, after being broken out with hammers by the Lord Mayoress.
- The wet chip shop can thrive even surrounded by business analysis offices and coach ticket to China stores.
- Taking a coach to China might mean having to use the coach toilet, traditionally forbidden on school coach trips. Ben may have used it on a long journey, but never for a shit, because of being inches away from a middle-aged married couple.
- A Megabus driver will give one of the least uplifting speeches at the start of the journey, maybe having a little fun with it (after all, it's a kind of showbiz) but making sure to remind people the toilet is for liquids only (including diarrhoea? keep your lidded wellies handy).
- Will Ben's Hyundai be becubed by the garage? Mike feels sick at the thought. The car has been written off so many times (including being an outdoor toilet, Cathy's Ceramic Chickens with the chickens being sold out of the boot and Fortnum & Mason's chutney display) but always comes back.
- The Hyundai clunks over speed bumps (should be called 'less speed bumps'), making a change from its usual clanking. Henry wonders how many rodeos it has left and whether it might be better off as a Flintstones car. The last time the garage had her, they messed up the heating so that it constantly blows at your feet. Trying to get the temperature in a car correct takes up too much time.
- After the Hyundai's last MOT, Ben didn't follow up on any of the advisories, as sometimes those things just go away. Mike would have sorted them all, as an absolute patsy with the advisories.
- Henry is worried that this car chat is getting too provincial dad, as most listeners are of course cool young movers and shakers in the London music scene and need an explanation for the terms, e.g. MOT = Master of Traction.
- Most normal humans kick the advisories down the road, waiting for them to be lethal (you'll know when you'll know). The mechanics might well re-evaluate their lives if your car survives another year, perhaps going after their dream of becoming Secretary-General of the UN.
- Mike's Hyundai used to take him 1,000s of miles around the country, but Ben's just takes him down the road to the IKEA cafe for 12 meatballs. The IKEA staff refer to him as "the guy with the screaming car" and test him with special offers such as "£2,000 free with every meatball".
¶ Topic Chat
- Ben wouldn't trust his Hyundai with a road trip. Discussion of the pronunciation of Hyundai and the emails the Beans get when they pronounce it the old way shown in adverts in the UK for years. Henry apologises to new listeners hoping for a break from Hyundai chat and getting a breath of exhaust. Even people with Hyundai tattoos would turn off at this point.
- Is Josh of Bristol dreaming of a road trip?
- Atlantic schism: would Americans look at what we consider a road trip and think it just a trip down to the MegaMart to pick up a Ginormo tub of margarine? Driving from Bristol to Warrington would be equivalent to what an American would do before breakfast to pick up an AK-47.
- Mike would like to do an Americas road trip. Would it take in Venezuela and Greeland (does Henry have a licence for that truth)?
- Mock the Week is coming back – is this needed? People would be up for it if it was Jesus, Owain Glyndwr, King Arthur, or Joan of Arc (Mike needs to update his references).
- Jamie's Italian (the restaurant chain) is coming back. Mike was aware of the branch in Westpoint, where they train marines how to storm a Jamie's Italian or extract a president from a Jamie's Italian (take out Jamie first). Behead the snake, but is it more like pruning (where is the neck)? Do snakes have a tail or are they all neck? Figuratively behead Jamie, and put him in the Wagamama's in Guantanamo Bay (takes ages to get your gyoza). Henry is being very satirical today, almost as if he knows Mock the Week is coming back.
- Loads of Italian chains already. Jamie's wasn't even affordable. There's also those doing interesting things with Italian food, according to Mike, like putting a Snickers on it or a deconstructed Snickers.
- Henry and Ben remember the complicated breads in a tin from their visits to Jamie's Italian in the 2010s, including a bread plank (like a bathroom tile made of thin, hot bread). Henry's waiter squatted beside the table ("Hey guys!"), which is such a TGI Friday's in the 90s move. He wanted to project an arm-around-the-shoulder Jamie Oliver vibe while explaining the concept of a lasagne.
- Ben is looking up the Jamie's Italian Wikipedia entry and discovers that (a) the sauces used in the Glasgow branch were made 400 miles away and (b) some illnesses resulted from undercooking mince. Jamie's response: "Cor blimey, mate!" while skateboarding off.
- Why does all of this need to come back? Hedge-fund financiers in gilets will have bought the IP or the truth will come out about Oliver's connection with Mexican drug cartels (real name: Jaméz Olivero). This explains the ridiculous accent.
- Ben saw a "Gordon Ramsay Street Burger" restaurant when in London last week, with no one in it at lunchtime ("Good!"). Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's Winkle Shack – celeb chef but pretendy down to earth, but also too expensive. Next to open: Three Bean Salad Soufflés – Henry has cold feet, despite knowing that soufflés deserve to have their moment happen.
- Of course Jamie Oliver is not in the kitchen; he's in a high-security Mexican jail!
- Mike and Ben both liked Carluccio's. Mike wonders if it just disappeared from Exeter or across the board. Henry offers to explain about franchising on a separate podcast.
- A new burger renaissance comes every 7 years. Previously, Byron said: put it in a brioche. Now it's smashburgers' moment. GBK is still there because the omnigroup controlling it has forgotten about this footnote while dealing with the issues in their nickel mines. Burger fashions pass Mike by because he is living a "more shallow and less enriched life" than Henry. This could be Harvester's slogan. Mike's shadow is permanently imprinted on the wall in there.
- A reminder that the topic is Road Trips – these restaurants are the sort that you might stop at on one!
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Martin from Wigan went on a school ski trip to France at age 12 (his first trip abroad) in 1986. He chose a bottle of Orangina (25p) to bring home as a gift for his brother but drank it on the flight home (the Beans are surprised at the flight part, and would have expected a coach + ferry) and it was also readily available in the Wigan Asda. A lasagne tragedy of many layers (don't eat the prawn lasagne tragedy!). Martin's holiday also featured sunstroke, food poisoning, and a fall down stairs, all on the first day. His mum was unsuccessful in getting a full refund. Moral: don't go abroad, it never ends well. Just stay at home for the 3 fantastic serieses of Fawlty Towers and look forward to Line of Duty coming back (the only crime series that's an exact replica of what actually happens). Henry's opinion on Martin: what a disturbing person (Mike does not second this).
- Email entitled "Meat Hygiene" from Jane with her frozen chicken breasts for the dog being kept warm in the oven (40 degrees) of her Everhot (like an Aga, or an AI robot husband). After 24 hrs of forgetting it, the chicken smelled very unpleasant, so Jane rinsed it in red-wine vinegar, boiled it for 5 mins and then drained the smelly water away before repeating step 2 (the boiling). Is that being careful? Vinegar is always involved, or bicarbonate of baking. The dog was fine after eating the chicken (Mike wouldn't have fed it to his dog). Discussion of whether it was raw or cooked. Henry reminds them that you never see a dog reading the instructions to an air fryer. Henry suggests boiling water and has forgotten that was already discussed because he was playing the little internal film in his head (it's good: Road Trippin' with Henry as the star). In the 'Choose Your Own Adventure' of this anecdote, Jane went down the corridor leading to death by doing the smell test and proceeding when the smell was noxious. The Beans will soon be launching their own range of 'Choose Your Own Adventure' meat hygiene books: The Tale of the Lamb Mince, The Tale of the Three Rancid Turkey Necks, and The Rotten Pork Medallions (set in the sub-Arctic) featuring choices like "Do you pour red-wine vinegar on them?"... turn to page 75 ... you die in gastric agony.
- Back on bad gifts, Joey's dad always gave his mum bad gifts (dishwasher, membership of Tate Modern in his name) but the worst one was a large (either 3ft or 1.5m), remote-controlled dalek gifted even though she (and, indeed, he) had never even watched Doctor Who. Joey's dad, with red face and shouts of "Ha!" (and later storming from the room) sounds quite Dickensian. The dalek (perhaps named Deborah) screamed 'Exterminate!' but stopped short of 'Divorceminate!'. Had Gordon down the pub talked him into this or has this idea not touched the consciousness of another human?
¶ Jingles
- Patsy Zone (17:25)
- Provincial Dad (18:05)
- Bean Machine (21:50)
- Satire (30:11)
- Emails (41:25)
- Patreon (58:01)
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Non-stop content on Patreon, including Talk-a-long-a-colonoscopy. All the regulars last night went to the annual Trip Through the Channel Tunnel at Night in an Unofficial Capacity (123 patrons).
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Harvey's surf/bossanova style theme to warm our cockles in the northern hemisphere (unless you live somewhere warm already in that hemisphere like Egypt or Ghana).
¶ Notable Quotes
- Do we need to take you through what a "forecourt" is, Henry?
- Don't just leave your night soil upon the gutters.
- This isn't a real toilet. It's a thought toilet.
- If you've got diarrhoea, fill your boots! (don't fill your boots, fill the toilet)
- We here at Kwik Fit are all amazed and delighted that you're alive.
- Even I'm finding this – I'm going to say – actively boring.
- Move, move, move! We haven't got time to try the tapenade!
- If you do a big enough fart in the ocean, you create a wave.
- Put it this way, no one asks you if you've been to a Harvester before, do they Mike?
- They stay sexy forever and you can also use their arse as an oven: it's the Everhot.
- You'd actually really like her if she wasn't constantly banging me in the Tate Modern toilets, which she is.