¶ Opening Chat
- Mike looking healthy, vital and trim after US holiday. He is fully signed-up to a fraternity with its dark secrets. Consuming pink sludge from a nozzle in Nozzle Belt states rather than steamed crabs. Always looking best just before the body explodes. Pam sneezed on legs and they came clean off. Is it Mike or is it a cake?
- Ben went to Greece and Albania where there are rugged Balkan chewy hams from sinewy beasts: lamb hams and goats walking vertically with your camera in its mouth.
- Albanian breakfast: chopped tomato, feta cheese and omelette. The omelette was overshadowed by tomatoes (tomato reverie ensues).
- A chef can show their skills via an omelette, like a driver doing a 3-point turn. This is like the Chinese game 'Go', which is a bit like an omlette (omlette recipe follows).
- Clarity is the theme of season 6.
- There was a big black hair in the breakfast 1 day out of 6. Ben shares pic of the Greek breakfast buffet (photo below): untouched sweetcorn, rabbit turds. It is a workmanlike, Dutch youth hostel or Swedish prison spread – 'reformed hams' nice bit of wordplay.
- Folding the hams like folding towels in a hotel. Henry: you can only fold a thing 8 times (Mike reckons 7). Bollockings are predicted.
- A ham ruff has consistency similar to Ben's thighs during an uphill walk (Google maps doesn't have topography), i.e. moist, bleeding thighs like stigmata. There were no hams in Albania to slap on a ham layer.
- Buffet salami been there since 1992 or possibly wax or a printout. The white hams/turkey/hammified chicken in the photo disturb Henry (Mike: hammified cheese?).
- Pink nozzle onto a cold plate is what creates ham.
- Henry was freaked out in New York by turkey bacon and the US phrase: 'Breakfast Meats'. Henry considers this heinous (to rhyme with penis).
- Mike was offered these in diners with his 'waffles on rye' – puddingy breakfasts, waffles to start and end your day.
- New York hotels offered no breakfast, Ben considers this the End of an Empire.
- True friendship is silently sliding a plate of ham.
- Henry summered in France but had only Continental Breakfasts (no ham).
- A French service station had dried sausages as tall as Henry if he was as tall as that sausage/as tall as a person up to Henry's ribcage/a dog that's massive (floor to top of head – Henry cannot compute this).
- Henry is less worried by a chunky tall dog than a rakish, stringy, Nicholas Lyndhurst dog, which freaks him out.
- Henry has photos of the sausage but not shared by beans online.
- Ben asks for submissions. Henry chopped up hams for a galette for his apprenticeship (mushroom signet ring) but that's not relevant.
¶ Topic Chat
- Not nice to think about teeth cos they're visible bones sticking out of your head.
- Ben thinks it's weird that there are doctors just for teeth (or eyes or feet). A GP would laugh you out of there. Barbers should do teeth too.
- Henry went to his GP with a tooth problem – alternating doctors cos he was at his wits' end – they were using Henry as a proxy war.
- GPs just play for time and rely on things going away but Mike defends the humble GP and calls Ben & Henry malingerers.
- Henry is not a malingerer, just afflicted with a lot of health complaints.
- He could only eat 5-mm foods: wafers, caramel waffles, whatever Bluebell regurgitates, salt and vinegar Discos, Oreos and eventually becoming coin-operated.
- Henry's complaint started when eating a v. large metallic box/bin of chips. Henry eats as if expecting imminent attack. His friends throw shrouds over. These are artisan shrouds made in the style of a beatific saint suckling the Christ child. This pain while eating chips triggered something that lasted months.
- Henry's South African dentist impression (starts Australian and brings it in). This dentist was a detective of the mouth (possibly Russell Crowe) but Henry's mouth problem completely undermined him. It was the case no dental detective could solve.
- The Venn diagram of detective/dentist matches up with magnifying glasses.
- Henry has confounded London's dental community.
- Henry was taught scuba diving by an Australian/Margaret Thatcher/OmniTory Mongolian boat captain with a Scottish assistant (Scottish = safe, trustworthy banking). The diving teacher was tying up an anchor on the sea bed (watch out for sea snakes) when a sea snake swam through/between his legs and he gave Henry the cold shoulder for the rest of the holiday cos his ego was insulted.
- Wherever Henry goes, he catastrophically undermines the professionals he encounters.
- A bionic dentist from Eastern Europe found the problem (a dark shadow) with her top-of-the-range camera.
- Mike was once fleeced by a Tooting dentist during a routine check-up who said he needed a filling (Amanda the family dentist would be so disappointed) but the Emperor's New Filling didn't exist. If Mike went back, it would be just an empty room with a landline phone on the floor.
- Henry fakes a dentist's drill and puts himself in the frame as a bogus dentist who saw Mike coming.
- Ben once chipped a tooth opening a beer bottle with his teeth (lads, lads, lads) but his dentist said "What do you want me to do about it?" – great approach to professional life (as long as there's a call-out fee (£78)).
- Henry does an impression of builders but stops at the Welsh impression.
- Ben ground his teeth down during noctural anxiety grinding to solve the issue.
- Deconstructed teeth as a design choice.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Jingles
- America (0:19)
- Foreign Holiday Breakfast Buffet Ham Update (3:21)
- Cured Meats of the Continent (19:25)
- Bean Machine (25:11)
- Bluebell (fade-out version) (30:00)
- Emails (48:38)
- Listener Bollocking (55:01)
- The Old Switcheroo (1:00:15)
- Patreon (1:00:50)
¶ Emails
- Pompidoudmin: people advertising their wares.
- Dr P (Henry interups because of squealing outside the windows – very revealing: doesn't investigate the squealing, just shuts the window) writes: a consultant neuropsychologist offering 15% off the price of a cognitive assessment – how does this shape make you feel? – been watching how you ate a sandwich (marketing experiment by M&S).
- Ian runs a fencing club in Nottingham and promotes www.radcliffeswordclub.co.uk and congratulates beans on their sword name knowledge.
- Another small business gets in touch (if there's one thing the beans don't support, it's small businesses) – Rebecca's sushi delivery service in South Wales: sushiwales.com.
- These businesses could be a full-day stag do: cognitive assessment, then fencing, then sushi.
- Laura emails a photo of Westie puppy (photo below) she has named Henry. His facial expression is "I've eaten my own shit and I'm cool with it". BP posits they do next week's episode with the dog Henry instead. Henry does an "old switcheroo" joke re both Henrys but gets it wrong on the last line.
¶ Bollockings
- Matthias from Germany (living in Norway) – Mike should know why Toledo is full of swords. It's one of two Middle Ages European sword centres – the other is Solingen in Germany (the only country that practises sword duels to the blood). Beans didn't acknowledge Germany as a ham culture either. Bollocking Accepted! A complaint of gross negligance. Mike apologises in Deutsch.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Annual Antibacterial Wipe Ball (20 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Charlie from an Aberystwyth's car-boot sale cursed vinyl. A Henry Paker test pressing from 1971 (Led Zeppelin style).
¶ Notable Quotes
- We just nozzle-belted it, on the whole.
- You look almost exactly like a Mike Wozniak but you’ve got the consistency of a cake.
- It’s going to be lamb hams, isn’t it?
- It’s very much the territory of the goat that can walk up a vertical wall, isn’t it?
- You can three-point-turn your way all the way from Bristol to Dundee if you want.
- You could make a ham ruff out of those.
- No-one’s touched the breakfast sweetcorn.
- Any meat can be a breakfast meat, if you feed it through the right nozzle.
- True friendship is silently sliding a plate of ham towards you.
- Cured Meats of The Continent!!!!!!!
- Let me hear you Bremen!!
- Does that ham look right to you?
- Think of the Vitruvian Dog.
- It’s very hard to be a tailor, making a suit for a dog, very hard.
- Visible bones! Visible bones! Bones sticking out of your head!
- No malingerer thinks they’re a malingerer.
- You eat as if you’re expecting an imminent attack.
- You confounded London’s dental community.
- Wherever you go, you catastrophically undermine the confidence of the professionals you encounter.
- Pompidou-dmin.
- In Exeter, everyone’s got an opinion, haven’t they? Ooh maybe I should call the police!
- And if there’s one thing we don’t support on this podcast, it’s small businesses.