¶ Opening Chat
- Mike has lumbago (dance as old as time, playing in the key of in-built obsolescence), he's now in the managed decline, downhill slope category with the health services. Like a defunct cable car rusting on a hillside. Lumbago is just lower-back pain using terminology not in any modern textbook but that sounds a bit like a Cuban dance from 1957 (The Flaming Lumbago) or a rare inter-species STI (perhaps with illegally imported lizards).
- Is evolution real? Crabs don't have backs so don't have lumbago. Lower-back pain shows that modern life is not suitable for humans, who should be gambolling across the savanna.
- Henry visited Putin's masseuse who he accesses through the North Sea pipeline. She said "You sit at a computer, don't you?", knowing from Henry's odd stance that he had not wrenched the hooves from a goat with his jaw. She gave Henry a pummelling and asked about his pain levels, which were at 'Kill me!' but she should just ignore that. The pain is wanted to an extent. Henry could enter his memory cathedral but it's a mess in there and has been turned into a Greggs run by Chris de Burgh ('Lady in Bread' – Henry thinks this pun should be clipped up, making them go viral and end up on a US talk show (The Jimmy Wingle Show)).
- "What was the question?" from Henry: pain coping strategy. Can he trigger a passing out by shoving his head through the hole in the massage table, while bending his hand into a rictus 'thumbs up'? He mentally divides himself into sections, like the Titanic, including the Pelvic Promenade, Pelvic Conservatory, and 5 Pelvic Business Units (churros, WH Smith, meat wholesaler, Chris de Burgh's new Greggs franchise – clip that one up too). Top thighs is the most painful, giving Henry flashbacks to a bully move involving squeezed thighs in childhood. The Chinese burn and BCG punch are standard bully moves. Ben never had his BCG so may have tuberculosis now, which Mike thinks would suit him, living out his days in a sanatorium with a blanket over his knees, getting great at banjo and doing watercolours that the art dealer brother of the guy running the sanatorium says are the worst he's ever seen.
¶ Topic Chat
- Ben from Minnesota submits Vikings. First Minnesotan (discussion of how to spell it, like whittling, and whether Fargo is set there or in one of the Dakotas, Henry tries the accent).
- Vikings got Henry through being a kid in terms of History. Where would Henry be without raiding, braiding and aiding. Vikings are like dinosaurs: did they really happen? Merch levels out of proportion to world impact. Sadly no social security safety net so they're all freelance.
- Flaw in their society: drinking out of horns but nowhere to put them down. Should have taken the horn stand when it was upsold to them. Food is all haunch-based; a two-handed meat. Can't put the horn under your arm or you'll have hot mead on your nipple. You can kick a monk's head down a long table but what do you do with the horn tankard?
- It's pre-rack because it's ... (Henry cycles through a load of eras). Persian racks changed the world. Could stick the horn in the eye-hole of a monk's skull or the soft belly of a Celtic prisoner/slave.
- Ben gets ahead of the bollocking: they know the helmets didn't actually have horns (except Henry will die on the hill of contending that they did).
- Did the longships have a canteen, mini cinema?
- How does Mike know so much about Norse mythology (Mike explains why Odin has one eye – was it somewhere for his dad to put his tankard)? It's just a gimlet of knowledge, always in the shallows. Mike liked that mythology as a kid (Urborne My First Book of Nordic Myths).
- Henry thinks of himself as Loki; the prick, the dick, the trickster. Getting into scrapes like in 'The theft of Idun's apples'. Coming up with mythos: Susan from the ocean fell out with Grandor, the King of the fern trees, he splashed her with water, which she spat out and it landed on the sky – this is the start of a new religion: Pakerdoonia. Not a cult, just a religion that costs £25.99 a month. Wisdom upgrades: £44.99. Enlightenment weekend: £777799 (where's the decimal point?). Susan shat spring (eaten too much korma). Teachings from The Anecdoticon (sounds a bit insipid).
- Thor visits the land of the giants – no, he didn't. Henry thinks they should be concentrating on turnips. Arguing for ultimate ignorance: the third rule of Pakerdoonia.
- So many world civilisations but schools only focus on the Romans, Vikings and Celts. Henry has no time for the Celts who built hills and wore fur on their crotch while the Romans basically had Wi-Fi and early Ryman's and a form of Adrian Chiles (Julius Caesar). The Celts just made nice necklaces and tattoo designs (Henry can now never go to Anglesey). Western European education doesn't teach the Persians, the Phoenicians or the Babylonians (invented accounting, which might fire kids up).
- Danegeld: 'Nice monestary. Be a shame if someone burned it to the ground.' Hard to sound sinister in a Nordic accent. King Canute/Cnut was a Viking and Harald Hardrada. Mike's history ruler has them all on (goes up to Charles III). From Portsmouth's historic dockyard. Ruler/ruler pun – Henry and Ben just got it. Game: which ruler is at 15cm? Henry thinks it's one of the Johns (one of them?), Ben goes for Henry VI. Henry then jumps in with Henry V but is dimissed for cheating. 30cm is the phone number for the company who makes the rulers, who are Henry's kings.
- Henry asks who were the Saxons (Germany) and who was before them: The Beaker People. Why aren't we The Ramekin Era? Mike wonders about the types of Beaker People (bell-shaped?). The feeling is that Britain can't be invaded, despite being invaded by the Romans, Celts, Saxons, Jutes, Beaker People, Germans (if you count Jersey). Henry gets into blood and soil via a new political party: Beaker Nationalism, tied in with the first prophet of Pakerdoonia.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Lots of emails about the story from Rachel in Cork from the gardening episode about a tortoise falling from the sky. Various theories, including Henry's about tortoises being used to smuggle contraband on a plane and having to flush the tortoises to avoid a jail sentence. Ben 'questioned his dedication to telling the truth' re the brother who told the tale (a LibDem move) – he was just a liar. Henry reminds Ben to recap the story (if he can get a bloody word in) and does a post-recap precap. The differences between tortoises/turtles/terrapins – what about a fourth way, airborne (a Frisbee?)? Henry wonders if it crawled into a T-shirt canon at a Shakira concert (nice warm place to sleep) or a medieval trebuchet.
- Lyra's email represents all of the above and explains about birds carrying and then dropping tortoises to bust them open and eat the tortoise goo inside.
- Aeschylus died when a tortoise was dropped on his bald head by a passing eagle (mistaken him for a rock). Henry thinks this is seen as a religious tract for the Anti-Bald Movement.
- What a day for that tortoise: attacked by an eagle and put in a rock pool.
- Holly emails about a S2 episode where Mike mentions a teacher who was in the SAS section of the TA. Holly's History teacher told them his parents lived next door to Bono and they spent Christmas Day with him, learning he only took off his sunglasses when unwrapping his gifts. Henry heard that U2's nicknames (The Edge = naff) were from school so we should give them a break. Henry's school nicknames: Henry Picknose and King Farter.
¶ Jingles
- Crab bell rung (3:30)
- Bean Machine jingle from Jassy, the wife of a Patreon supporter travelling Australia in a van. The jingle shows she has 'real talent'. The Outback may have taken a lot out of her. Also may have eaten her husband. Possibly some kind of Casio signal to tell us they've been kidnapped by koalas. A samba beat wards off alligators/crocodiles but a CD by the composer Michael Kamen wards off a caiman. Ben thinks you could kick a caiman in the head as they're only mini and more like an angry handbag (but don't store credit cards in them as they regard them as usury and they're too small for an overnight trip (but can avoid using the overhead locker by calling it a 'frightening wallet' or a 'thick belt')). Ben would like to handle a caiman. He's been watching Steve Irwin documentaries on YouTube (he died doing what he loved: harassing a stingray). If Ben died doing what he loved, it would be editing out Henry's gutteral noises from a podcast. If Henry died doing what he loved, he'd be looking at a funny YouTube clip. (13:13)
- Email jingle from Beau (a cool name), a pianist and singer from Glasgow. Henry is happy for Beau to lead him wherever he wants. He can use the free piano in St Pancras while Henry gets lunch. Vocally, it sounded a bit Jeff Buckley and a bit Susan and the Apricots (Henry means Antony and the Johnsons). (42:54)
- Patreon (52:43)
¶ Notable Quotes
- Please meet my dance partner, Sciatica. She's a beauty!
- They say he's taken a lizard mistress. The scaly pleasures.
- Do you enter your memory cathedral?
- I'm going to gather the townsfolk and kick him off the pier.
- If it's a croc, let the metronome go 'tick tock'.
- If it's a croc, let the rhythm be rock. / If it's an alligator, then it's samba time later.
- Just a shoutout to Vikings. They let me know it's okay to be weird.
- In a way, they were the first digital nomads.
- This has put me in such a bad mood, I'm going to have to behead another monk.
- No AI can take on UI: ultimate ignorance.
- Ooh, we've crafted some things that look quite cool in jewellery... if you've got a certain kind of vibe you go for.
- If any of us have a pagan-style murder coming, it's probably me.
- One of the Johns??? This is why you need one of these rulers.
- I'm using 'John' in the Saxon sense of 'short for James'.
- Piles of shit and dirt that are the truth of this country.
- I can trace my lineage back to an actual beaker. / Full of spunk?
- Don't call me 'mate'. Call me 'my right honourable friend'.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- A whole week for Hoisin Thursdays (126 patrons!)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Graham/Graeme from the New Forest in 80s synth style (Tangerine Beans)