¶ Opening Chat
- Episode 7 lull. Final ep has 'demob happy' and 'last song of the night' vibes, where one might steal a snooker cue and break into a Halifax branch (money kept in loose change in shoeboxes). Be sure to secure your bindle.
- Do kids know about bindles these days? The stories come from pre-strap times, when people wore their pocket as their entire clothes. Snooker tables used onion bags as pockets and onions of various ages for the coloured balls. Henry remembers when Bindles was on the high street.
- Jemima and Humphregarde Bindle in every kitchen (the mantra crocheted on every fridge door).
- Do kids even know what kerchiefs are? Neck kerchief as fashion item.
- Illustrated bindles exist in picture books for small children but they're not blurbed. A mouse would have a bindle.
- Henry's bee (with a bow tie) in his bonnet: illustrated plates in old kids' books were too sparse and you couldn't tell which story they referred to. Mike reminds him you have to read the book as well, but Henry had no interest in the 'extended blurbs'.
- Henry didn't know what a bindle was at the start of the chat but he deduced it from the surrounding info. You might find them in Moominland or on an American Gold Rush hobo. The kerchief part is balloon-shaped or like a buoy. A stressful way to pack because of the lack of subsections. Pre-1400s Samsonite Revolution (in Ghent) but post-tablecloth. Before the Dutch monk Martinn Fllappp invented flaps while looking at ducks and planning a holiday.
- Ben's actual fact: the patent for the first wheeled luggage was in 1972. Why so late? Train concourses were writhing with porters such as Keith Case (bastardised to briefcase). Nigel Havers' grandad created the Havers Sack (haversack) and his maiden aunt, Carpet Bag, invented the car, the pet and the bag.
- Henry wants to bring the Beans back to themes that were set up earlier, very much part of the episode 7 lull. The theme of straps: invented by Martin Strraapp (with three umlauts and a revolving 'a').
- Henry has always struggled with straps and feels a lot of shame about it, similar to how he struggles to get into a car. Sometimes the bag will end up on his front and then he has to pretend to be Spanish. Mike says Henry must look like he has something 'robbable' on but Ben and Henry mishear this as 'rubbable'.
- Henry is always rubbable as, according to several people, including stadium-filling comedians (on a Mickey Flanagan level), his head is one of the nicest things to touch, because of his natural grease.
- Henry's belt struggles, including his new light summery trousers with their fabric belt (not a karate black belt, as it's white). Henry is grateful that Ben gave him the karate banter as prep for any banter that might occur when he wears the belt. The belt is 'simple as you like', just like parachute straps and bungee cords. Henry would have to be at CEO level in the bungee company, then bungee down to the bottom again when they realise how disorganised he is. Maybe the bindle is the way forward for Henry?
- Ben sometimes has to fold his arms backwards into a backpack like a pterodactyl chick. Commuters in London are used to popping each others' shoulders in and out.
- Henry needs to do two courses: one in straps and one in arachnophobia. By the end, he should be able to origami a tarantula into something cuter like a hamster: a wearable hamstantula.
¶ Topic Chat
- The Beans hum 'Land of Hope and Glory' getting increasingly more strident.
- Another heavy-duty historical topic like the time they had to give up on talking about Rasputin because they didn't know enough about him. Fascinating historical 'what if?' – Did Queen Victoria and Rasputin ever meet? Imagine the play about this with Judi Dench as Rasputin and Tom Hiddleston as Queen Victoria, with Ashby-de-la-Zouch/Zoids as the matchmaker.
- She liked a park. Loads of Victoria Parks. She gets credit for it but all she did was get her toes massaged by 20 people while people suggested things (canal to Aberdeen? burn down Aberdeen? invade Burma again?). Royal biographers tend to be on the royals' side: Burrell, Starkey, Witchell, Bond.
- Royal journalists spend a lot of time thinking 'We do do this sort of thing very very well': Pageantry. Well-trained horses. Plumage-heavy helmetry. We actually do though.
- Victoria's interest in the Highlands meant people started liking nice views instead of thinking they should build a tin-processing plant.
- The Victorians invented various things: the internet, SpaceX, the Segway, France, pickles, geese sandwichi. Hallowed people: Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Charles Dickens, Florence Nightingale. Did they have to wear little doily bras on their ankles?
- Was she the original goth, mourning Albert, or was she having it off with Billy Connolly? Did she not smile or did people just not smile much in photos then? Did she have wooden teeth or a full set of hippo teeth, including the little bird that flits between arse and mouth?
- Did QE2 reign longer? QE2 = 70yrs 214days / Victoria = 63yrs. Meant more in Victoria's day though – more wear and tear. Like spoons – do ceremonial ones last longer or do spoons become more spoonular after time? Do they wear out evenly? A fork on the other hand, has prongs/tines, a ladder is rungs, a cow is udders, a hand is digits and an armadillo is panels.
- King Chucky would have to upload himself to a USB stick to beat that reign length, sitting on one hell of a cushion, perhaps from Queen Anne's dolls house. The tasselmonger to the King would attach the tassels to the cushion very very well. [background noise of some kind of pageantry] Commentary on the tasselmonger's little dance, his father, his apprentice, the Queen consort and Kim Kardashian (who has tasseled her own arse for Wayne Rooney's enjoyment). Commentary on the annual ritual of plugging the King's USB into an old Dell laptop, presented by Nicholas Lyndhurst and an IT teacher from Scunthorpe (also called Nicholas). The royal family then has a private ceremony led by comedian and entertainer Ashby-de-la-Zouch on day release from prison in Malta. The procession then moves to Curry's where Queen Camilla makes the choice of whether to upload him to an external drive or to The Cloud.
Kelly Vivanco's Show Art
¶ Emails
- Louise emails about the guide dogs chat from the sixties ep. She trained Walter to be a guide dog for a year but he was an absolute bastard, chewing skirting boards and chasing cows. He didn't make it as a guide dog due to dodgy hips/being shit. Mike compares this to a national scandal that Britain is not ready to hear about. Ben thinks guide dogs and the RNLI should be melded: rescued by a lovely labrador. Henry thinks it doesn't make guide dogs bad just because of one bad apple, like if one guy who trained to be in the RNLI was a serial killer.
- Patrick in Lewisham was working in a mid-range menswear shop (many guesses as to which one) when a pigeon got in so he called the local animal shelter ("that's mad") and a man with a net (presumably just ceremonial) came and shot the pigeon. Mike is most concerned that the man had no uniform ("at the very least an embroidered polo shirt"). What should you do when an animal enters a building? Feed it sugary water? sugary milk? until you become the guy who is followed around by a stag, resulting in a viral TikTok reunion video years later. Ben was served a viral video of this nature but the creature rescued was a lobster from a restaurant tank, eventually growing into a teenage boy, Lobsto, with a boiler engineer apprecnticeship. A lobster living in your house would be like a hot, wet, slobbery insect, like sleeping with wet, slimy scissors, covered in prongs (answering Henry's "What's a prong?" from earlier).
- Tom Carr offers Alanisn't Morissette as a tribute act name (better if the guy is called Alan). Ben offers Alanis Norissette, e.g. if the guy is called Norris. Henry offers Atlantis Morissette and the show is sub-aqua (perhaps duetting with Lobsto) but the Beans are petering out and can't think of sub-aqua spins on the lyrics of 'Ironic': "It's like a drooought, on your wedding day to a trout."
¶ Jingles
- A View from the Illustrator's Chair (5:07)
- Bean Machine jingle from Tom of Ashby-de-la-Zouch in the Midlands. Henry thinks Ashby-de-la-Zouch is a character in a 70s sitcom. Ben thinks it sounds like a 70s entertainer who is now in prison in Malta. Proper jokes and proper crimes. Tom's jingle is a football song inspired by the women's Euros and the song 'Vindaloo' by Keith Allen and Fat Les. Henry calles it 'appropriate for an episode 7 lull' and finds it keeps the 'weak, watery looking flame' burning of the Allen original. Will the Beans be sued by Fat Les (Ashby-de-la-Zouch's tour manager)? Henry wants to move on from the jingle in the same way culture has moved on from Ashby-de-la-Zoids and his ankle tags. (20:36)
- The Regal Zone (23:20)
- Choice of email jingles by listeners: either one made by a teenager, one in 80s horror movie trailer style or one in Finnish. Mike is drawn to the Finnish one and Finland in general, though nothing to do with Nokia. Something distinctive going on in Finland (Moomins?). Jingle made by Maya who was inspired by the recent Swedish jingle (in the gardening ep). The word 'postmasters' has 10 syllables in Finnish (Henry is confused and says English doesn't have 10 consonants ("Move on, keep it moving")). Maya no longer has access to a sauna, which Ben assumes is because she has done something very very bad. Henry wrongly says Finland is part of Scandinavia (Mike and Ben point this out to avoid a bollocking). Maya enjoys Cardiff mentions as she was an exchange student at its university in 2011. While Ben reaudiofies the file, Henry talks about what he loves about Finland (lakes) from the top of his screen/head. Not a shark-themed amusement park. Was Maya's jingle like having a chocolate orange suppository for Mike? (42:20)
- Mikey from Bognor Regis via Vancouver sends a Listener Bollocking of the Week jingle. Was Bognor Regis Ashby-de-la-Zouch's first wife? Orchestral-style theme (53:45)
- Patreon (56:11)
¶ Bollockings
- From Douglas who worked on a container ship and is catching up on 8 months of eps. In the hamsalad ep, Eleanor of Aquitaine did not marry the Hamsburgs but in fact married (a load of puns of a Plantagenet theme inserting the word 'ham'/'chorizo'). Mike and Henry think the long time away at sea always comes with a cost. Henry calls Douglas 'George' and reckons his friends at sea were a piston handle and an old diesel-soaked rag, who are a more forgiving audience for puns.
¶ Notable Quotes
- We bindle hither and bindle thither.
- If people don't know what a bindle is, they shouldn't be here.
- There's no subsections within the bindle.
- I'm going to develop the theme of straps for a bit.
- A bindle full of hamstantulas.
- Solid gold from the get-go to the let-go with Ashby-de-la-Zouch.
- Spoons are kind of immortal, aren't they?
- What's a prong?
- Henry, had you heard of Finland before today?
- I wouldn't call it Helsinki, I'd call it Heavenfloaty.
- If you get into a real fist fight with Mike Wozniak, you don't never do no waking up never again.
¶ Sean Bean Lounge
- Q&A with Sigourney Weaver where she said "No" to many questions (45 patrons)
¶ Listener Theme Tune
- Doug's theme inspired by early 2010s American college indie after he heard same at an indoor bouldering centre with his son. Took half an hour on Garage Band. Doug also dreamed of getting into a fist fight with Mike, which seemed very out of character.